Arnisi
by Nikkae
Summary: Shepard thought she had kept her past hidden but Lieutenant Alenko guesses the truth. Rated M for language and Shenko action in later chapters.
1. Chapter 1   Prologue

**Summary:** The road to love is a rocky one for this renegade Shep, and it takes a near-death experience for her to realise how much Kaidan means to her. Rated M for Shenko action in later chapters.

I love feedback - good or bad, it's all appreciated. Just because this story is 'complete' doesn't mean I won't tweak it if someone really wants me to (I've already made Kaidan more 'Kaidan-y' in response to a request from theblodeuwedd).

Many thanks go to my beta quantumparadigm, who is an excellent writer, and to Bioware, which owns all.

* * *

PROLOGUE

It was clear that Kaidan was throwing away his life.

_And for what?_ Kurt asked himself._Remorse? A sense of duty? _

He gripped the steering wheel and glared at the traffic lights, their red glow bleeding through the driving rain. He thought for the umpteenth time about what he would say to his only son when he saw him. Any fool could see that the Alliance Navy would snap Kaidan up in a second, but the boy had chosen to stay on Earth to study electronic engineering. Kaidan had claimed it was what he really wanted to do, but Kurt had his doubts.

He sighed. It seemed that all his son's time at BAaT was going to be for nothing. By all accounts it had been a harrowing experience, one that had visibly affected the boy for months afterward. Kurt winced at the memory of his happy-go-lucky son shutting himself up in his room, hollow-eyed and withdrawn.

Still, in spite of Kaidan's bad experiences at BAaT – or perhaps because of them – Kurt didn't want Kaidan's biotic talent to go to waste.

He finally pulled up at a the house in the university student block. The sound of strident music and laughter slammed his senses from the street. Kurt gave a polite knock at the door, and when it opened the noise level reached ear-bleeding proportions. 

"Great timing Dad, the pizzas have just arrived. Sorry about the noise." 

Kurt walked in and saw that Kaidan had his omni-tool switched on, with its vid screen displaying what looked like an asari fashion show. The same vid was screening on a large holo display in the lounge room, around which seven or eight young men were sitting, beers in hand. The asari were sashaying to strident music and weren't wearing a great deal; one wore what looked like three bottle caps held in place by a faintly glowing magnetic field. Her entrance was greeted by high fives from Kaidan's friends. 

"Good to see you son," Kurt said, giving him a hug. He gestured towards the holo display and its collection of rapt viewers. "Is this standard practice for a Tuesday night? Don't you have studying to do?" 

"I've been doing my study at the same time," Kaidan said, pointing to a circuit board on the kitchen table. "We don't normally watch this stuff, it's just that Matt bet me 50 credits couldn't hack into asari pay-per-view. They've been watching the Fashion Channel for two hours now. Matt says it's the best bet he's ever lost."

Kurt laughed. "So why aren't you watching it with them?"

"I did for a while but I wanted to get this circuit board finished. Anyway, asari aren't really my type."

Kaidan grabbed the pizza boxes and gestured for Kurt to follow him upstairs.

"Let's eat in my room Dad, it'll be less noisy there. My omni-tool has a lousy broadcast range so the boys will lose their asari show, but they'll just have to deal with it."

The pair made their way up the stairs, and when they reached the top floor Kurt heard anguished wails coming from the room below. He grinned.

"So," he said, as they both sat down to eat, "how is the course going?"

"It's going OK, I've been offered an internship with Future Mech."

Kurt was impressed; FM was Earth's largest robotics company.

"Does that mean you'll quit your job as a bouncer?" he asked. "You don't need to keep doing that, you know. Your mother and I would be happy to pay your way through college."

"I'm nineteen Dad, that's too old to be taking your money."

"Not as we see it. Anyway, if you did your degree through the Alliance Navy they'd pay all the fees – plus give you a salary."

Kaidan smiled. "Yeah, I know."

"So you'd rather be bouncing, eh? Do you like using biotics on the trouble-makers?"

Kaidan shook his head. "I don't really need to. I occasionally give antagonists a small push or lift, but usually I just put them in an arm-hold and calmly tell them the error of their ways."

They ate for a while in silence, and Kurt cast his eye around the room. He had expected it to be decorated with posters - essential items in student decorating - and it was. However, instead of displaying scantily-clad women or expensive cruisers, Kaidan's faintly-glowing posters depicted snapshots from distant planets. There was a crumbling prothean pyramid, a vast city protruding above thick clouds, and a small moon with a massive volcano erupting into space. They weren't the kind of glamorous images you'd seen in a tourism ad, but they all had... something. They held the tantalising promise of adventure in far-off places.

Still, now wasn't the time to be distracted. He had come here for a reason.

"So," he said casually, "you've never had cause to use your biotics properly?"

Kaidan's eyes gleamed. "Yes, once. It was another biotic and he was in the club causing trouble, knocking people around. I kicked him out, he made a fuss and I suggested we quietly settle it in the football field after I finished my shift. He came, and we had a dual of sorts. It went pretty well."

Kurt smiled at this understatement. Kaidan had always been modest, almost to a fault.

"When you say it went 'pretty well'," Kurt said, "does that mean you kicked his ass?"

Kaidan laughed. "Yeah, I guess I did. I haven't seen him since."

"And how did it feel to do that?"

"You know, it felt really good." Kaidan's hands unconsciously curled into fists. "The guy was an asshole, and dangerous." 

"So why don't you join the Alliance Navy and kick the stuffing out of dangerous assholes everywhere? You've always been one for helping the underdogs, for fighting against injustice. Here's the perfect way to do it. You've got biotics; use them." 

Kaidan's good mood vanished. He pushed away his chair and started pacing. "Ah Dad, you don't understand," he rasped. 

"What don't I understand?" 

"There is a risk I could lose control and... do something terrible." The pain written on his face wrung Kurt's heart. 

_Damn that bloody Vyrnnus,_ he thought. _He enjoyed making our kids' lives a misery. Will he keep on tormenting Kaidan, even from beyond the grave?_

"Son, I know how it feels to kill someone for the first time," he said, softly. "It is right that you should feel it – it shows you're human – but you can't keep beating yourself up over it. You need to move on."

Kaidan suddenly rounded on him. "Is that really what this is about?" he asked, frowning. "Did you honestly come here to help me move on, or are you searching for some sort of redemption for letting them take me to Jump Zero?"

Kurt scowled. "OK," he said, grudgingly, "so you've got a point. So what? How could I not harbour guilt over what happened to you?"

"Yeah, well, I guess we're both dealing with the fallout," Kaidan muttered, grimly. He clenched his fist and the empty pizza box crumpled into a ball and slammed into the trash can. Blue fire flickered along his arm and was gone. "Dad, why do you have to dredge this up? Nothing will change the fact that I lost control that day. I saw red and killed someone. Can you blame me for not wanting to jump into the military and use offensive biotics in high-stress situations?"

"Yes, I can understand your feelings, but you need to believe in yourself. You are older now, and in your workplace you have used your biotics responsibly and with restraint."

Kaidan sighed. "I guess so, although it's hardly a stressful environment."

"Whether a situation is stressful or not depends on the individual. You don't get stressed because you take a calm, rational approach."

"I guess," Kaidan murmured, looking thoughtful. "Nowadays I try to think before I act. I suppose I have Rahna to thank for that."

Kurt itched to shout that Rahna was a witless ingrate with the spine of a hanar, but he held his tongue. Rahna-bashing wouldn't help.

"Look, Kaidan, you don't have to decide anything right away," he said quietly, "but will you at least think about what I've said? Fight against injustice? Dispel your inner demons?" _And mine?_

Kaidan hesitated, and looked over at the glowing poster of the volcanic moon. In the background of the image, dark alien planets loomed and stars glittered like diamonds.

"OK Dad. I'll think about it."

* * *

Corporal Matthews picked her way through the remnants of the northernmost colony on Mindoir. The grass was burned black, still smoking, and the pathetically small domiciles were scorched and partially melted. There were a few dead bodies, but not many. The colonists were simply gone.

As soon as the Alliance backup had arrived, the batarian slaver ship had taken wing, leaving some of its cut-throat crew still planetside. _Typical batarians,_ she thought, scornfully. _They only care about saving their own wretched skins_.

Matthews would have loved to be able to shoot the slaver ship to pieces, but that would have been too risky; captured civilians could have died. She could only hope that some of the Alliance frigates would be able to track down the ship and safely cripple it.

Flakes of ash filled the air, a grim parody of snowflakes, and she felt them brush down her cheeks like tears. Through the swirling haze she saw a few abandoned slavers looking in vain for their ship. 

Matthews signalled to her squad to take cover, and they were able to take out the batarians with little trouble. This small victory should have lightened her mood, but it didn't. What satisfaction was there to be found when you're too late to save anybody? She kicked one of their corpses in disgust and was about to head back to the shuttle when she heard a commotion coming from a barn. With her crew silently following, she crept along the outside wall and looked through a crack in the door.

A pair of batarians were shooting at a biotic energy sphere in the corner of the room. Inside the bubble were a boy and a girl, both in their teenage years. The boy was cowering behind the girl, trying to make himself as small a target as possible. The girl was holding out one arm, desperately trying to sustain the biotic shield. Her face gleamed with sweat, and her shield was clearly weakening. Instead of causing the bullets to bounce off, it only slowed them down; the bullets' momentum sluggishly carried them through the shield, stopping within an inch or two of her body.

Matthews was livid. She kicked open the door and threw a biotic slam that knocked the batarians unconscious. Her squad made short work of them.

The young girl sank to the ground, gasping for breath. The boy took one look at Matthews' Alliance Marine insignia and leapt to his feat. "It's about bloody time!" he said. "Where the hell have you guys been?"

Matthews turned to her second in command. "Give the boy an energy bar," she said. "I think the girl will need medical attention."

The girl got unsteadily to her feet. "My name is Jane Shepard," she said wearily, "and I'm OK. Just tired." With a shaking hand she wiped the damp hair away from her face. "If you have an extra energy bar that would be good though."

Matthews found a chair for the girl and gave her water and food, and applied antiseptic foam to her scratches and burns. She didn't look much older than fifteen, and had a slight body with flat, wiry muscles. Her clothes were old and threadbare, but someone had carefully patched them.

Matthews saw with satisfaction that Jane was beginning to breathe easier. The girl looked up at Matthews and tried to smile.

"What's your name, Ma'am?" she asked.

"I'm Corporal Sue Matthews. It's nice to meet you Jane, I just wish it were under better circumstances."

"I saw how you took out those batarians," Jane said, awestruck. "It was amazing."

"It's not so amazing. You could do it too if you were taught how."

"My parents didn't have the money to send me away to learn," Jane said. "It was all they could do to afford the implant. A family friend had started to teach me but he… got taken."

"And your parents?"

Jane screwed up her eyes, trying not to cry, and sunk her face into her grimy hands. Matthews tried desperately to think of something encouraging to say.

"At least you still have your brother here… or is he your friend?"

Jane sat up and scowled. "Ismalo? He's neither," she said, angrily. "He came to Mindoir to stay with his uncle, Dad's friend. They were at our place when the slavers came. We might have had a chance to run and hide in the orchard but he screamed like a stuck pig. Mum and Dad grabbed the hunting rifles and ran to the front door. When the batarians saw the guns, they launched incendiary grenades.

"I still don't know how 'Malo and I got out alive. I think I made a biotic shield of some sort, but I'm not really sure."

"It was cool," Ismalo said, between bites of his energy bar. "You made this weird space-warpy explosion. Blammo! And the bad guys all smacked into the walls. I'm glad I was hanging onto you."

Matthews put her hand on Jane's shoulder. "It looks like you did good, kid," she said, encouragingly.

"But Mum and Dad are dead," Jane said, distantly. "I know I should be glad they weren't taken to be slaves for the rest of their lives, but I… I don't feel glad." Tears were running down her face, but she didn't seem to notice.

"They would have been separated, isolated and abused for the rest of their lives. It would have been a terrible fate."

"I wasn't strong enough to save them," Jane whispered. "If I had biotic power like yours I could have. Ma'am, how are you able to use biotics like that? The man I learned from could only make a shield."

Matthews dragged a chair next to Jane's, sat down and put a comforting arm around her. What a sheltered life this farm girl must have had, she thought.

To Jane, she said, "I'm a adept with the Alliance Marines."

"What's an adept?"

"A biotic specialist who is trained to use her abilities in combat. I enlisted with the Marines because I wanted to use my biotics to help people, to protect them from scum like those slavers."

The girl's eyes shone. "I would like to be an adept."

Matthews smiled. "You're a little young yet," she said, kindly. "If you like though, I can take you to Shanxi to finish school. After that, if you still want to, you can enter the Naval Academy. They will teach you how to be an adept. You don't need money to learn, the government will pay for it." A thought occurred to her. "That's unless you want to stay on Mindoir in another colony?"

Jane shook her head slowly. "No. There is nothing for me here now." Tears still rolled down her cheeks, but her red-rimmed eyes were resolute. "I have to learn to be an adept, then I can take revenge on the slavers."

"Alright then, let's go." Matthews stood up and held her hand out to Jane. The girl put her small, calloused hand in Matthews' strong one, and they walked out into the sunlight.


	2. Chapter 2 The beacon

The roar of the ship's engine was deafening, the ground was rushing past far below, and a young woman, scarred and beautiful, was loading her gun with the ease of long practice.

As the Normandy sped towards the drop zone, Kaidan watched her out of the corner of his eye. The infamous Shepard. The pinnacle of human bravery and determination, according to the Alliance. They loved promoting the achievements of soldiers like Shepard; it was good PR, helped to keep the public on-side.

Word had it that Shepard used to be a biotic. She wouldn't be the first person to have removed her amp for good, Kaidan reflected, and she wouldn't be the last. The ability had its downsides, and if you weren't particularly powerful it simply wasn't worth the trouble. Aside from the fact that you had to eat like a pregnant krogan – that's how Joker described Alenko at mealtimes, anyway – you couldn't wear heavy armour.

Well, you _could_, but the added bulk would burn through precious calories and impede the flowing movements that focused biotic energy. Who would want to operate at only 70% capacity while gulping down energy gel every 10 minutes, and feeling exhausted? Krogans were the exception, but their anatomy defied explanation.

Kaidan didn't know whether Shepard was still using biotics during the Battle of Torfan, but either way she had succeeded in the face of incredible odds. The one thing the top brass didn't talk about – but which everybody knew anyway – was that she had sacrificed nearly all her crew in the process.

How did they die? Human shields, some people said. Blown up along with the enemy, others said. Strangled with eels, Joker had insisted, ignoring the icy frowns of his listeners.

The truth was, nobody knew. Kaidan looked sidelong at Shepard, taking in her lithe, graceful frame and delicate features, and had a hard time believing her to be a heartless killer. Her expression revealed intelligence, determination and perhaps a trace of sadness – but not cruelty.

He watched her as she scanned the terrain below, and wondered.

Shepard gazed at the small colony domiciles far beneath them, housing yet another population of humans trying to make a start somewhere new. Any Earth-borns who scoffed at the idea could never have seen planets like Eden Prime and Mindoir. There was _space _on these worlds, and fresh, clean air carrying the scent of flowers and grass. Shepard had even loved the storms which had sometimes swept through their farm, filling the air with leaves and rain, and leaving behind a rich, loamy smell.

Now her life consisted of space travel and planet-hopping. It was something she had gotten used to – another planet, another skirmish. However, the last Eden Prime transmission told her this was no ordinary mission, and unease gnawed at the pit of her stomach. She looked down at the pistol in her hands and frowned, feeling naked without her biotics.

She shut her eyes and let herself remember the feeling. The thrumming in her veins, the warm wash of power spilling over and through her, a blue film over her eyes, crackling energy ready to break like a dam wall and smash her enemies…

No more. She looked down at the pistol, small and dully glinting in her hands, and sighed.

She suddenly had the feeling she was being watched, and turned to see Kaidan's gaze upon her. He gave a shy smile, and quickly developed an intense interest in his omni-tool.

Well, at least she had Alenko on her squad, the man reputed to be the most powerful biotic in the Alliance. She looked sidelong at him, taking in his powerful build and quiet, handsome face. He looked remarkably serene considering the fact that they were about to face an unknown enemy.

Shepard was feeling anything but serene, and she envied him. She had spent most of her working life feeling on edge, though she would rather have died than show it. Inner peace was a pipedream.

"Time!" the captain called. As she got ready to disembark, Shepard hoped Alenko was everything they said he was.

* * *

He didn't disappoint. Even if Shepard hadn't seen his biotic throw with her own eyes, she could have gauged its strength just from Ash's reaction. The Gunnery Chief had eyes like saucers after watching Kaidan throw the geth around like rag dolls.

The only problem with Kaidan, she reflected, was that he was rather too keen to rush into the thick of a fire fight, lifting enemies left and right. Obviously his quick reflexes and powerful biotics had kept him alive thus far, but one day, Shepard thought, this guy's luck may run out.

She called a quick time out.

"Alenko, as a biotic you're meant to be the rearguard," she explained. "Stay back behind cover as much as you can and let Ash and me cop the brunt of it.

"Also, use your pistol before you start using your biotics. Save your juice for when the enemy is numerous, or if they're getting too close. I don't want you to risk burning out. I get that it's only a small risk, but I want _zero _risk."

He stood to attention. "Yes, Ma'am."

Shepard looked over at Ashley, who was taking the death of the colonists hard but trying not to show it.

"Williams, you're doing a bang-up job," she said, clapping the Chief on the shoulder. Ash stood up straighter. "Thank-you, Ma'am."

They pressed on, but it became clear that it was too late to save most of the colonists. So far, Shepard had found only three, and her hopes of finding more were fading.

"These poor colonists were ill-equipped to deal with hostile situations," Kaidan observed as they walked.

"Your average colonist is a farmer or a miner. How can you expect them to know how to fight?" Shepard said, more sharply than she realised. "Their one hope was Alliance protection and it let them down. Ash should have been given a larger detachment."

Kaidan looked at Shepard sidelong with his warm, thoughtful gaze. "Well," he said quietly, "at least we were able to save some people here, Commander. A few is better than none."

Ashley pointed ahead. "More geth," she hissed.

* * *

Time, time... they didn't have enough time. Shepard's guts churned as she searched for the last detonation device. Nilus was dead, Saren was a traitor, the beacon was nowhere to be found and everything was about to be blown sky high. Shit shit shit...

"I found the bomb!" Kaidan called, and Shepard wanted to sink to her knees in relief. She couldn't though; she had to help Ashley pick off the last of the Geth while Kaidan defused the detonator.

She ducked out from behind cover. Three enemies left. She scrambled back behind a guard rail and listened to the geth's bullets slam into the metal, which shuddered and creaked. Dammit, it wasn't going to hold up for long.

She ran towards a concrete pillar, firing one-handed as she went. One of her bullets took down a geth, whose memory core crackled as it wiped its data. Safe behind cover, she heard another geth go down. She ducked out and took down the final one with a well-placed headshot.

"Let's find this beacon," she yelled, lowering her pistol to her side as she scanned the platform, and they pressed onwards.

Then, just beyond the mezzanine, they saw it. An unmistakable, glowing spire.

She radioed Joker and then, to her horror, she saw Kaidan being pulled towards the beacon, struggling to break free of a pull that was impossibly strong. He would never make it.

Shepard threw herself at him, felt her breath knocked out of her as they collided, and threw him away. She tried to get away from the beacon but it was too late. She felt herself drawn in, and was barely able to draw breath against the stifling pressure on her lungs. Her mind filled with a cacophony of sound and blinding light, and she knew no more.


	3. Chapter 3 Questioning

As she left the med bay, Shepard reflected that Lieutenant Alenko wasn't half bad. Yes, he had indirectly implanted prothean gibberish in her brain, but there was no way he could have known what the beacon would do. And when she'd told him as much, his worry lines had faded and he gave a relieved half-smile that she decided she rather liked. Hell, any woman would like it. The guy looked like he'd walked out of a fashion spread in _Vogue Hellas_.

Oddly though, he had been acting as though something was bothering him. She suspected it was more than the loss of Jenkins.

She left the med bay and spotted the Lieutenant near the stairs to the nav deck. He was standing rather rigidly and his jaw was set.

"Hell of a shakedown cruise," he observed as she approached.

"Yeah. It's too bad we lost Jenkins."

"There was nothing you could have done Commander, it was just bad luck."

"I know." _I'm still going to lie awake tonight obsessing about it though_, she thought.

"I see we're going to the Citadel, Commander," he said, deferentially. "Can I ask why?"

"We're going to brief the Council on Saren's betrayal."

Alenko proceeded to wax lyrical on the politics of the Council and the Alliance, and Shepard realised he might be a useful sounding board in diplomatic matters.

"You a career man?" she asked, smiling.

"Biotics don't go undocumented, I might as well get a pay check for it," he said. "Besides, my father served. It made him proud when I enlisted... eventually.

"So what about you Commander?"

"My parents were farmers on Mindoir," she replied. "They were killed in a raid by slavers."

That visibly shocked him. "I'm sorry," he said, softly.

Shepard sighed. She didn't want sympathy and she didn't want to think about her parents, not now. She decided to cut to the chase.

"Look Lieutenant, you've had a black cloud over your head ever since we got back. Out with it."

He hesitated. "I don't want to be out of line with this," he said, falteringly.

"Well, say your piece and we'll see."

He looked away, rubbing his hand on the back of his neck, and then decided to go for it.

"When I carried you to the shuttle I could feel your biotic energy. Biotics are at their weakest when a person is unconscious, so the fact that I could feel yours at all is...

amazing. Why would a powerful biotic like you want to give it up?"

Shepard grimaced. _Ah. That._

"Now is not the time to discuss the ins and outs of biotics," she said, casually, making a beeline for the stairs. "If you like, we can talk about it after we have briefed the council."

_Or you could just let it go, Lieutenant,_ she thought. _That works for me._


	4. Chapter 4 The Citadel

"You bastard, you've sold us out!" Kaidan glared at Udina, who responded to his accusation with a thin, supercilious smile. Evidently he was no stranger to being insulted.

Shepard took a step towards Udina and gave the ambassador a long, hard look. Udina's smile vanished and he started to look faintly alarmed. Kaidan could feel the tension building.

"Look, Shepard," Udina protested peevishly, "I know politics and you don't. That's why I am our representative to the Council."

Shepard glowered, and Udina hastily put his hand over the Council comm panel, as if he thought she might make a leap for it and start pressing buttons.

"Ha," Shepard muttered, scornfully, and turned away.

The ambassador, sensing victory, made a fist and smacked it into the comm panel. "I control-" he began, and then realised he'd just hit the button to summon the Council. He hastily switched it off. Ashley gave a strangled cough and he glared at her.

"Look, I let you people do your job," he snapped, "now let me do mine." He moved to stand in front of the stair rail and gave them an accusatory look, as if he thought they might try to make a run for it and slide down the banister. That, Kaidan mused, would be the most fun they'd had all morning.

Shepard turned back to face the ambassador and jabbed a finger in his chest. "One day, Udina, you will regret hanging us out to dry," she growled. Udina's jaw dropped. He couldn't have looked more appalled if she had started hurling grenades at him.

"We'll be back with the evidence to incriminate Saren," Shepard continued. "Captain Anderson, your support is appreciated. We'll see you soon."

She headed for the rapid transport, and Ashley and Kaidan followed.

"Let's go to the market district in the Wards," she told them. "Time to shop. "

"Awesome!" Ash exclaimed.

"Not for clothes."

"Dang."

The view of the Citadel from the upper Wards was awe-inspiring. Kaidan could barely believe his eyes. "Big place..." he said. _Oh, that was really eloquent. _

"That your professional opinion, LT?" Ashley said, slyly. He pretended not to hear her.

"It must be difficult to keep all these races and cultures working together," he said, trying to sound as though he had at least half a brain.

Shepard nodded. "No wonder they're careful with newcomers."

"Or maybe they don't like humans," Ashley said, flatly.

"Why not? We have oceans, beautiful women, this emotion called love... according to the old vids, we have everything they want."

"When you put it that way, there's no reason they wouldn't like you," Kaidan blurted. _Oh shit._ "I mean, like us, humans... ma'am." _Someone kill me now. Please._

Ashley was gleeful. "You don't take much shore leave, do you LT," she quipped. He gave her a 'shut up' look, but she just stood there with a grin like a watermelon slice.

"All right, laugh it up Chief," Shepard said. "I appreciate the thought Alenko, but we're on duty here."

"Aye-aye, Ma'am."

Was he imagining that she looked pleased? Was it possible that the beautiful, charismatic Shepard wasn't offended by his idiotic slip of the tongue?

Get a grip, he told himself, as Shepard led the way back to the docking bay. She is way out of your league.

Ashley sidled up and gave him a nudge.

"I have a helpful hint for you, LT," she whispered.

"Why do I have the feeling it won't be helpful at all?"

"If you don't want people to know you're attracted to the Commander, you should probably stop staring at her ass."

He cringed inwardly. "I didn't realise I was being so obvious about it." But how can I not notice the way her hips sway as she walks ahead of me?

Ashley poked him in the ribs. "You're looking again!"

"Last time."

Ashley rolled her eyes.

"Men."


	5. Chapter 5 The rumour mill

Joker took a swig of his Coke and waggled his eyebrows.

"So Alenko, you got to manhandle the Commander, eh? And on the very first mission!"

Kaidan sighed. "I carried her to a stretcher, if that's what you mean." _Not to mention I'm the idiot who got her knocked unconscious in the first place,_ he thought. He grimaced and took a massive bite of his burger in an attempt to forestall further conversation. Joker was not so easily deterred.

"With all her armour and soldiery muscles she must have been heavy," the pilot said, casually.

Kaidan shook his head and took another bite.

"Well hey - she must have been heavy because I heard you nearly dropped her."

"Hey, I dib noh!" Kaidan realised was spraying Joker with crumbs, and stopped to swallow. "I did not!"

Ashley arrived bearing her lunch, and Kaidan saw a triumphant look spread across Joker's face.

"Hey Ash, did Alenko nearly drop the Commander?"

"Yep," she said, airily. She started to squirt ketchup on her fries and gave Kaidan a wink. "You obviously don't have enough upper body strength, LT. What on earth do you do during all your gym sessions? Play skittles with the hand weights?"

"Probably," Joker added, unhelpfully. "Or maybe he just gnaws hungrily on the mats. Biotics are permanently starving you know. Just last week Alenko ate my shoe."

"You _lost _your shoe, Joker." Kaidan chuckled in spite of himself.

"Well, you eating my shoes would explain your lack of muscular strength Alenko," Joker said, enjoying himself immensely. "A shoe diet wouldn't contain much protein. I'm surprised you can even lift your omni-tool."

"Look," Kaidan said, "I don't eat shoes, Shepard isn't heavy, and I didn't nearly drop her."

Ash pointed an accusatory fry at him. "Oh really? From where I was standing it certainly looked like it."

"Well, maybe... but I caught her again, didn't I?" Kaidan protested. "I just... I got a shock."

Ash and Joker looked puzzled.

"I was shocked because I felt her biotic energy," Kaidan explained. "A person's biotics become dormant when they're unconscious so I shouldn't have been able to feel hers at all."

Ash looked nonplussed. "So... what are you saying? That she's a strong biotic? That's not a bad thing, is it?"

Kaidan sighed. "It depends. Anyway, the Commander's med scans reported abnormally high brain activity when she was unconscious after the beacon. She says the increased brain activity would have caused her biotics to be active. I guess it's not surprising her scans were off the charts, considering she had all that prothean data implanted in her brain."

Ash frowned. "Who'd have thought an old spike dug out of the ground could mess with somebody's head like that? It's a wonder the Commander woke up at all. She's one tough cookie."

"Hell yeah," Joker said. "Tough as nails and cool as a cucumber! For chrissakes, she came back from that hell-storm on Torfan with nothing more than a scratch on one eyebrow."

"It's pretty impressive," Ash agreed.

"You wanna know something?" Joker leaned forward conspiratorially, and lowered his voice to a hush. "They say that Shepard is so cool she can't visit Earth because she'd put the Sun out."

Kaidan rolled her eyes. "Sheesh Joker, did you see that on the extranet or make it up yourself?"

"It's true!" Joker tried hard to look solemn and failed. "Do you want to know what else they say?" he offered.

"No."

"They say," he continued, "that Shepard used to fight all her battles in her underwear, she only started wearing armour because her crew felt inadequate. And they say turians have skull fringes because their scalps are trying to get away from Shepard. And they say-"

"All right, that's it," Kaidan declared. He swallowed the last of his drink and pushed his chair out from the table. "I'm off to the gym to chew some mats."

"Put some in a doggy bag for me."


	6. Chapter 6 Training

Shepard raised her shotgun and shot two vorcha in quick succession. Their heads exploded into several pieces and they fell to the ground, green blood seeping from their necks.

"That's a great makeover you gave them," Garrus remarked, holstering his sim gun and toggling the holo controls. Different planet-scapes flashed on the screen as he scrolled through the scenarios, casting flickering lights across his reptilian face. "How about we tackle some human pirates next?"

"Sure," Shepard said. "Anything is better than the shoot-em-up bikini girl sim that Joker put in the system."

"What are bikinis?"

"Sexy swimwear."

"Why would Joker want to shoot attractive females wearing sexy swimwear?" Garrus asked. "I would rather not kill attractive females, but that's just me."

"When you shoot them they don't die. They just say, 'You're so manly, it's too much!' and faint."

Garrus laughed. "I might try it one day, just for the hell of it."

"Oh, so you're into human females?" Shepard teased.

"I'm not into human females per se, but I guess you do have a slim and supportive waist, which is an attractive trait," he mused. "Er, not your waist specifically," he hastened to add, "just human females in general. Um.."

"It's cool Garrus," Shepard laughed. "You know, I haven't seen a female turian yet – not close up, anyway. Do they look very different from the males?"

"To me they do, but maybe to you they wouldn't," he said. "There aren't as many in C-Sec as there should be; I'm afraid it's pretty male-dominated. I was trying to get my father to instigate change before I left. But after I left C-Sec he stopped speaking to me so I don't expect that change will happen anytime soon." He fell silent and gazed at the holo screen, toggling between scenarios.

"I'm sorry about your dad," Shepard said, quietly. "When all this is done though, he'll see that you made the right decision in leaving C-Sec. He'll be glad to see Saren brought to justice."

"As will I," he growled. "Shepard, I'm not hung up on my father so you don't have to worry about me. You just tell me who to shoot and I'll shoot them.

"Well," he added, "aside from females in bikinis."

"Even if they're krogan females?"

"Ugh, thanks for making me picture that. Now I feel all dirty." Garrus wrinkled his flat nose. "If you don't mind, I think I'll hit the showers. I've been in here for over an hour now."

"Wuss." She went to adjust the holo control and had a thought.

"Send Kaidan in here, would you? He needs the practice more than you do."

* * *

Shepard flicked through the scenarios and found a cave bristling with pirates. She was just about to press 'start' when Kaidan walked in.

"Ma'am," he said. "Garrus told me you think I'm a lousy shot." He tried to look serious but Shepard saw the hint of a smile.

"Shepard rolled her eyes to the ceiling. "I don't think you're a bad shot, I just think you could be better. I haven't seen you get a single head shot yet."

He looked faintly embarrassed. "I find it easier to aim for the torso."

"That's fine for long distance shots, but when you're closer it's better to kill them quickly. You're a little too dependant on your biotics." She gestured to the sim guns. "Grab the pistol and I'll turn on a new scenario. I'll put it on single player and turn the sound down so I can give you some pointers."

She hit 'start' and watched him as he started shooting the targets. He had been taught well, as they all had been, but over the years it was easy to slip into bad habits.

"Don't rush the shot," she said, keeping her voice calm. "Take more time to aim. Place your shot."

He frowned, and she could see him doing his best to slow down.

"You did well," she said, when he had dispatched the first group. There would be another group in 30 seconds or so. "I still think you should practice more, though. What do you actually do during your down time if you're not here? When you're not in the gym, that is."

"I usually talk tech with Tali or Garrus. You wouldn't believe the kind of machinery they have worked on, they–"

"No, no – I don't want to know," Shepard said, laughing. "Tech speak is all Greek to me."

"Well, I can talk to you in Greek as well if you want," Kaidan said, with his warm half-smile. It lit up his normally serious, handsome face, and Shepard suddenly wished he would smile more often. "It's my first language," he continued. "How's about I give you a double-whammy and talk tech in Greek?"

"None of your cheek, Mr Tech Head," she said, grinning back at him. "The next wave is coming so get ready."

He took aim and started picking off the next group of pirates. He did seem to be doing better, but his technique still wasn't ideal.

"Be aware of your breathing," she said. "You don't want to elevate the barrel."

She watched him for a moment longer and realised she'd caused him to over-think it. She paused the sim and put her hand on his chest, which was rather hot and damp. The ventilation in the small sim room wasn't as good as it could be.

"Don't breathe from up here," she said, and then slid her hand down to his stomach. "Breathe low, from your stomach. Show me."

He did as she said and turned his gaze to her, dark and unreadable in the gloom of the sim room. "Is that right?" he murmured.

She was suddenly aware of the light touch of his breath on her face, the heat of his body, his hard muscles lifting and falling beneath her hand. She could feel a constant, warm hum running through him, and her biotics threatened to awaken in response. She gritted her teeth and quelled them, although her quickening breathing was harder to control. She pulled her hand away.

_ What the hell is wrong with me?  
_

"That's fine, I'll un-pause the scenario and you can finish them off," she said, trying to keep her voice steady.

"Yes, Ma'am." He exhaled hard and ran a hand through his hair. He seemed a little flustered, but in the darkness she couldn't be sure. Likely he was just exasperated at having to practice shooting when he'd rather be chatting with the techies.

Shepard watched him take out the last of the pirates, landing his shots with increasing accuracy. When he was done she clapped him on the back, trying to feel the gesture as a platonic one. "Well done," she said, and smiled brightly. "I still want you back in here regularly though."

"With you, Ma'am?" he said, huskily.

She tingled at the thought but kept her tone casual. "With anyone, or just on your own."

"OK." He put the gun in its holster, sucked in a deep breath and sighed. "Commander, you have no idea how much I wanted to fire a hard biotic throw at those pirates. I kept wanting to and I couldn't."

"Try feeling that on the field every day," she said sadly, before she could stop herself.

_ Christ, when did I start wallowing in self-pity? Weak, Jane, real weak.  
_

She saw Kaidan looking at her with thoughtful concern, and for a fleeting moment she had the urge to tell him everything. The nightmares, the gnawing self-doubt, the guilt that felt like a lead weight around her neck.

Instead, she flicked the light switch and walked out.


	7. Chapter 7 Averting disaster

**Correction:** If you started reading this story before March 15, 2011, please go back and read Chapter 3. It was left out of the original upload. Thanks! _- Nik_

* * *

Shepard leaned against the wall of the ruins, gasping for breath. Her gun felt like it weighed a ton, and she could feel the sweat trickling down inside her suit. She signalled Kaidan and Garrus to halt, and they collapsed on the floor of the ruins to catch their breath.

"Why couldn't Dr T'soni be on a nice tropical planet?" Garrus panted, pulling off his helmet. "I can't wait to get off this shitheap."

"Amen to that," Shepard declared. "God, I hate Therum. I hate the lakes of boiling lava, I hate the reek of sulphur and I hate the stupid prothean ruins."

"Well, you can certainly see why the protheans left," Kaidan said, with a wry smile. "This place stinks worse than a vorcha's armpit."

They fell silent then. Nobody mentioned the very worst thing about Therum, although they were all thinking it. The worst thing about Therum was the geth. There were hordes of them, more than Shepard had ever seen before. Everywhere she went there were geth, forcing her to fight for her life over and over again. A week ago she had never even seen a geth, and now she hated them more than any other foe. If looks could kill, every single one she saw should have spontaneously combusted. But they didn't combust; they kept coming and she had to keep fighting.

"Rest time is over boys," she said, trying to sound cheery. "Time to get moving."

Kaidan jumped to his feet and extended his gloved hand to her. She let him help her up, but couldn't resist having a dig at him.

"Alenko, we're not living in 2020, you know. I can get up on my own."

"Sorry Ma'am, you just looked tired. I guess I'm old fashioned." He looked a little sheepish, but unrepentant.

"So can I expect you to open the Mako door for me, too?"

"That depends." He chuckled. "When we're under heavy fire I'd rather not stand there holding the door open while I get peppered full of holes."

"Bah, whatever happened to chivalry?"

She set off down the stairs, and wearily the three resumed their search through the ruins. Through the haze of exhaustion it started to feel like a dream to Shepard. Here's an elevator, does it work? Yes, going down. Doors open, more geth. Shoot the nearest ones and let Garrus flank and snipe the others.

She ducked out from behind cover and quickly took out two geth that were getting uncomfortably close. She retreated and heard bullets rushing through the air where her head had been. Sweat trickled down her face and she blinked hard to clear her eyes. Two more left.

She heard the distinctive crack of Garrus' rifle – just one geth left now – and after that there was silence. She snuck a look and saw the final geth floating helplessly.

She looked over at Kaidan and saw him sheathed in a blue shimmer, eyes ablaze with blue fire. He raised his arm in a fluid, almost casual motion and the levitated geth slammed into the far wall as though it had been hit by a rocket. It slumped and lay still.

Kaidan's blue shimmer faded and he languidly stretched his arms, as though he had done nothing more strenuous than hail a taxi.

_Damn you Kaidan,_ Shepard thought. _Why do you have to make it look so easy?_

Of course, Dr T'soni would have to be trapped in stasis. Nothing was ever simple. Shepard wanted to groan aloud, but she put on a brave face.

"Don't worry boys, I'll find a way to free her," she said.

"I know you will, Shepard," Garrus said, trying to hide the weariness in his voice. Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck and tried to give an encouraging smile.

She began to explore the area, wondering how the hell she was going to disable the force field, and then she spotted the mining lazer.

"Back up," she said, and flipped the switch. There was a blaze of light, a loud explosion and rubble rained down around them. Shepard peered through the haze and saw that her hunch had been right – they had blown a hole through the rock.

It wasn't until they had taken the internal elevator up and freed Liara that Shepard finally started to relax – only to feel the ground start shaking beneath her feet. There was a sickening roar from the bowels of Therum, and she had to shout to make herself heard over the din.

"We have to find a way out!" she yelled, trying desperately to keep her footing.

"The laser must have triggered a seismic event!" Liara said. "We'll have to risk the elevator."

The ascent of the elevator seemed to take an eternity, and they could barely see through the cloud of dust. The elevator's ascent was so painfully slow that Shepard wanted to scream, but she contented herself with gritting her teeth and clenching her fists. She was dimly aware of the angry crackle of her biotic energy licking along her arms, but she ignored it.

The elevator shuddered to a halt, and she was met with the sight of a heavily armed krogan backed by a squad of geth.

"In case you didn't notice, this place is falling apart!" Shepard yelled. "If we stay here we're all dead!"

"Doesn't bother me," he growled, and reached for his gun.

Shepard ducked behind cover, shaking with rage. After all her squad had been through, a suicidal krogan wanted to kill them all. In those split seconds she thought of Kaidan, who always had her back, risking his safety to protect her. And stoic Garrus, her friend, who would follow her to the ends of the galaxy if she asked him. This crumbling ruin would be their tomb.

Hell no. They would not die. She would kill the sonofabitch and his geth; smash them against the walls, tear them to shreds. She saw a blue film spreading over her eyes and felt the thrumming power fill her body, beginning to spill out of her. She started to stand up._ Die, scum._

Suddenly she was jerked back behind cover by Kaidan, and the blue film dissipated.

"No," he hissed, "you're not focused!"

Christ, what had she been thinking? Struggling to quash her biotics, she snuck a look around the rail and aimed at the charging krogan's ugly head. The bullet took him between the eyes and he dropped like a stone.

_ Regenerate that, asshole._


	8. Chapter 8 Insubordination

Shepard leaned back on her chair and stared at her bed. It was tempting to curl up there and forget she had nearly lost control on Therum, but instead she called Kaidan on the intercom to come to her office. Might as well get the debriefing over with.

He came in, dark-eyed and guarded.

"Commander, you wanted to see me."

"Yes." She switched off her terminal. "I figured you'd want to talk about Therum."

"Yes, Ma'am. I do have a few questions."

_Only a few?_ "Go ahead."

"You told me you weren't a high level biotic—"

"I never said that," Shepard countered. "I just said my brain was highly active while I was unconscious – which was true.

"You needn't be concerned though. I occasionally have a slight flare-up when I'm under a lot of pressure. It's no big deal."

"With all due respect Ma'am, you are potentially endangering yourself and others," he said. "High level biotics need to discharge energy periodically or it can build up and become hard to control – that's why I stopped you using it on that krogan. Nobody can retain full control of combat biotics after not using them for months, let alone years. If you'll pardon me for saying so, Ma'am, you took a great risk when you attempted it."

Shepard felt irritated; she wasn't used to having her actions called into question by a subordinate. Judging by Kaidan's obvious discomfiture, he wasn't used to questioning a superior officer either. If she nipped this situation in the bud she'd make life easier for both of them.

"I was exhausted and angry as hell," she told him, sternly. "My body was just letting off steam. But if you're going to be stressed about it, fine – the next time we're planet-side I'll shoot a warp in the air to discharge energy. Satisfied?"

His quiet frown made it obvious that he wasn't satisfied, but he didn't say so.

"Permission to speak freely?" he asked. Shepard gave a sharp nod.

"Commander, why did you stop using your biotics?" His tone was respectful but she could tell he thought her career change was crazy. "Did you quit because you couldn't control them?"

She shot him a withering look. "If that were the case, do you really think I'd be allowed to keep my amp licence?"

He paused. "No, I suppose not. We all have to pass regular prac tests."

"Exactly," she said. "End of discussion." She turned away but he caught her wrist, and she spun around to face him. With their emotions both running hot, their biotic energies swirled together under the warm grasp of his hand. She met his gaze and instantly regretted it. He was watching her with compelling intensity and she felt her breath quicken.

Look away, Jane, she told herself. _Step away from the gorgeous, interfering, insubordinate sentinel_.

Fortunately, at that point Kaidan seemed to realise how improper his action was, and released her.

"Commander, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have lost control," he said, chagrined. He backed away and put his hands behind his back. "I just think you should know you made a big mistake when you quit using your biotics."

Shepard eyed him suspiciously. She didn't like where he was going with this.

"You are needed," he continued, earnestly. "There aren't many strong biotics in the Alliance Navy. The Marine Corps has to reject most applicants because of psychological flaws or neural side effects. Hell, the only reason they accepted me is because I carry an injection to quell my migraines on the field."

"Hang on," Shepard said, curious in spite of herself. "I heard you had a five-hour migraine on the Normandy before Therum. Why didn't you inject yourself then?"

"Extended use causes reduced bone density," he said. "I don't want to end up like Joker."

"Ah."

"The point is, we need you. The Alliance needs you. You could be so much more than just a soldier."

"'Just a solder'? That's a bit of a slap in the face to Ashley, isn't it?"

"That's not what I meant," he replied, frowning. "Anyway, it's not just the Alliance that needs you, it's the human biotic community as a whole. You're the ideal person to fly the flag for human biotics, to show people we're not all crazy criminals. I believe it's your duty, Ma'am."

Shepard gave a hollow laugh. If he only knew what she was, knew what she had done, he would never have had this conversation with her. He wouldn't have wanted to serve under her at all.

_You don't get it, Alenko,_ she thought, grimly. _You've had an idyllic upbringing with your respected military family, and you've never lost even one person under your command. Your high-and-mighty ideals just don't cut it in the real world._

In any case, how could anybody understand the turmoil of having to suddenly go from being an adept to being a soldier, terrified of the prospect of being dumped from active service? After the nightmare that was Torfan, Shepard had thrown herself into weapons training, forcing herself to learn in months what other marines learned in years. She had stumbled through obstacle courses and lifted weights until she dropped, trying desperately to gain the strength to support 70 pounds of heavy armour and kit. The stress on her mind and body had caused her health to deteriorate, and a bout of virulent fever had nearly been the end of her.

_But by God, I did it,_ she thought._ No matter what has happened in my past, I am now a damn good soldier, but he thinks it's worthless – just because he's a biotic, and I'm not. Not anymore_.

She folded her arms and gave him a cold stare.

"I didn't make this career change lightly," she told him. "It was a personal decision. I lost control, so I took away the one element that cost me more guilt and nightmares than anyone could begin to imagine. Now if you have nothing more constructive to say, you are dismissed."

Despite the qualifier, her last statement was an order. She could see out of the corner of her eye that Kaidan recognized he'd crossed the line – but he didn't fight her on it. He saluted, and left.


	9. Chapter 9 Crossing the line

Shepard had looked forward to having a night out with the girls at the Port Hanshan hotel, to try to drink away the distaste of the Noveria mission. Unfortunately, Joker had insisted on ditching the boys in favour of the girls' table. As soon as Liara left to buy a round he immediately hissed to Shepard: "I think Dr T'soni likes you. You're in!"

Ashley laughed. "Ah Joker," she said, "you'd just love that, wouldn't you."

Shepard longed to give Joker a good kick in the shins, but she contented herself with rolling her eyes.

"Joker, we're not an item," she said, firmly. "Why don't you go and sit with the boys?"

"Nah, that's OK. I'm good."

"Fine," she said, airily, "but I heard Qui'in has access to classified prototype flight sims."

Joker and Tali immediately sat up straighter. "Hey, that sounds good," Tali said enthusiastically. "Would the boys mind if I joined them?"

"Not at all, my svelte quarian techno-whiz," Joker said with a grin. "Let's go."

Joker put an arm around Tali and she helped to support his weight as the pair made their way to the boys' table. Liara arrived with drinks and looked at the retreating backs of the hobbling duo.

"Shepard, did Joker sustain another fracture while I was at the bar?" Liara asked, puzzled. "He seemed able to move quite well on his own when we arrived."

Shepard gave a wry smile. "He's fine Liara, he just wanted an excuse to put his arm around Tali."

"I will never understand humans," Liara murmured. She seemed subdued, which was to be expected after their encounter with Benezia, but Shepard was worried. It had made sense to bring Liara on the mission, to attempt to reason with the matriarch. However, a number of times Shepard had wished she had brought Kaidan instead. He was an experienced fighter whereas Liara had never used her commando training on the field. Liara was constantly on edge, anxiously trying to look everywhere at once, whereas Kaidan's senses were sharp and well honed; he could size up a situation in seconds.

The trouble was, Shepard couldn't bring herself to confront him after that late night debriefing – if it could even be called that. She didn't want to admit it, but she felt ashamed. Ashamed that he knew she'd lost control. Nervous that he wouldn't understand.

She sighed and downed her drink. It was clear that Liara's power was immense, but her gentle nature made it a struggle for her to kill others. Bloody battles left her drained and upset, though she tried not to show it.

Liara would always do her best, Shepard knew, but as the battles got tougher and longer, would her best be enough?

Perhaps, in time. Liara was going to live for a thousand years, it was unlikely she'd be able to hold on to her sweet, soft nature forever.

_Still_, Shepard thought, _do __I __really __want __to __be __the __one __to __change __her, __harden __her? __Can __I __live __with __that?_

If only Wrex didn't have a 'shoot first, ask questions later' approach, she would feel confident about taking him on major missions. As it was, she restricted him to minor assignments.

She downed the dregs of her drink and slapped the empty glass on the table. Dammit, she'd just have to suck it up and start taking Kaidan on missions again.

She started on another drink before she realised Ashley was speaking to her.

"Commander, is it true that you and the LT had a... disagreement?" she asked, innocently.

"In a manner of speaking," Shepard replied. "We have differing points of view. Off the record, he thinks I'm reckless and I think he's an interfering prig."

"A prig?" Liara said. "You're saying the Lieutenant is an edible creature with a curly tail?"

Ashley choked on her drink.

"No, that's a pig," Shepard said, keeping her face serious. "A prig is a someone who is fixated on protocol. A fuss-pot, you might say." She slapped Ashley on the back. The Gunnery Chief gave a final splutter, regaining her composure.

"And here was me thinking he was sweet on you, Commander," Ash said, taking a few gulps of air. "Does that give me permission to try my luck with him?"

"I guess so," Shepard answered, drawing the words out. She didn't like the idea. "Just be sure not to contravene fraternization regs."

"Of course," Ash said. "I'm not about to get demoted over a guy. Anyway, I get the impression he's not the type to rush things."

"Ashley, I don't understand," Liara interjected. "Last week you said he wasn't your type."

"I do usually go for more outgoing guys," Ash admitted, "but c'mon - the LT looks like a Greek god. His surname should be Apollo, not Alenko. And if he's no longer interested in the Commander—"

"Whoever said he was interested in the first place?" Shepard shot back.

"Excuse me. Seeing as he's _not_, and never was, interested in the Commander, I might as well sound him out. Could be a fun fling." She twirled her straw thoughtfully in her drink. "I'll probably get shot down though."

Shepard couldn't help laughing. "Ash, you are beautiful. Has a guy ever shot you down in your entire life?"

Ashley went pink. "Well... not often," she admitted. "The stinky combat boots in my room have freaked out a few of my boyfriends though. One guy even left skid marks in my driveway."

Shepard laughed and put down her empty glass. "I highly doubt that." She stood up and smoothed her off-duty casuals. "I'm off to the bar. I have a hankering for potato chips, or whatever the equivalent is on this giant ice rock."

Ash leaned back in her chair and glanced over at the boys' table, where Kaidan was pretending to not watch Shepard's retreating form. The Chief made her excuses to Liara and went over to him.

"LT, can you give me some advice on which drinks are OK for humans?" she asked. So intent was his focus on Shepard that she had to wave a hand in front of his face. "Hello? A word please?"

"Uh, sure."

Ash led the way to the end of the bar farthest from Shepard. "Right," she said. "Listen. It's clear you have a thing for Shepard–"

"Wait, what?"

"Hang on, let me finish. Somehow, something went screwy between you too, but if you just apologize to her you can fix this. Even if it's not your fault."

"I don't share your optimism, Ash," he said flatly. "I really crossed the line. I questioned her actions, and said some pretty judgemental things."

Ash's brows furrowed in concern. "You're the last person I'd pick as being judgemental," she said. "What brought that on?"

"I... I don't know. I just had such high expectations of her. I thought she was perfect, and when I found out she wasn't, I felt let down."

Ashley breathed in dramatically. "Shepard is a brilliant tactician, a courageous fighter and a charismatic leader, but she has never claimed to be perfect. Nobody is."

"I _know_." He started tearing his coaster to shreds. "Ash, I don't normally put people on a pedestal like that. I don't know what I was thinking."

He knew Shepard was everything Ashley said she was, and more – compassionate, fun, intelligent, and sexy as hell. A man would be insane to throw away any chance he had with Shepard. Even if that chance was only a slim one.

Ashley put a hand on his arm. "You can still fix this, LT."

"I severely doubt that." He plucked a couple of ice-cubes out of his drink and crunched them savagely. "What makes you think she'd forgive me?"

"Well, I asked her if she'd mind if I hit on you, and by the look of her she didn't like the idea one bit."

"You were going to hit on me? I mean, I'm flattered but..."

Ash rolled her eyes. "Relax, I was never actually going to. I just wanted to see Shepard's reaction at the mere suggestion of it."

This revelation about Shepard made Kaidan feel dizzy, or was it the asari liquor kicking in?

"Does everybody know I have a thing for Shepard?"

Ash smiled. "Well, Joker has been throwing that theory around, but his credibility isn't the best. The way he tells it, everybody on board is sleeping with everybody else, around the clock. If that were true, we'd have crashed into a sun by now."

Kaidan chuckled, and then looked serious again. "Just because Shepard didn't want you hitting on me doesn't mean she likes me," he mused. "She could have just been opposed to fraternization amongst her crew."

"It's possible," Ash conceded, "but I still think you should apologize."

* * *

Shepard took her bowl of salted snacks from the bartender, and eyed the contents dubiously. They looked disturbingly like sheep pellets, but there were no other bar snacks available.

When she turned to head back to the girls' table, she nearly walked smack bang into Kaidan.

_Damn, __he __scrubs __up __well_, she thought irritably, as she regained her balance. His plain white shirt fitted snugly around his toned torso and accentuated his olive skin, and she felt the pleasurable and unwelcome tingle of attraction. She also noticed a number of female heads turn in the crowded bar.

She dragged her gaze to his face and forced a smile.

"Lieutenant. Some advice: don't drink the purple Quasar beer. You'll be carried out on a stretcher."

He gave a shy smile. "It's OK Commander, I'm not having any more drinks tonight. Garrus and Qui'in got me to try all these multi-coloured liquors and I'm starting to feel dizzy." He blinked a few times and put a hand on the bar to steady himself. "Actually," he said quietly, "I think I might just go and sit down."

Shepard made a mental note to have a strong word with Garrus. She led Kaidan to a small booth, put her sheep pellets on the table and headed back to the bar to get him a glass of water. A woman grabbed her arm along the way.

"Excuse me, but are you with him?" The woman tilted her head towards Kaidan, who had picked up a pellet and was examining it with an expression of quiet bafflement.

"Er, no, we work together." Shepard cast her eye over the woman, taking in her flowing red hair, stylish make-up and hourglass figure. Shepard was suddenly struck with the thought of how unfeminine her soldier's physique must look next to this beautiful, curvaceous example of womanhood.

"Cool," the woman said, brightly. "I'll hit him up, then!"

Feeling deflated, Shepard went to the bar and ordered a water and an iced Illium Supernova. The latter turned out to cost 40 credits, and she felt more annoyed than ever.

When she threaded back to Kaidan's booth, she noticed, with relief, that the red-haired woman was nowhere to be seen. She sat next to him on the rather sticky bench and gave him his water. He thanked her gravely, and drained half of it in one gulp.

"So what happened to that lady?" she asked, trying to sound casual.

"Who? Oh, the one who just came by. You know, I must look even drunker than I feel because she offered to get me a water, and then suggested a coffee, and then said she could help me up to my hotel room if I wanted. I told her you were looking after me and that she needn't worry. It was nice of her to try to help though."

Shepard smiled inwardly, then chastised herself for doing so. Then decided to forget about the whole thing and drink her Supernova. It was unexpectedly strong. She gulped it down anyway. She would get her 40 credits' worth if it killed her.

At that point she noticed that Kaidan was unnervingly silent.

"Are you OK, Lieutenant?" she asked. An alarming thought occurred to her. "You're not going to puke, are you?"

"No Ma'am, I don't feel sick. I'm just trying to think of how to say this to you." He looked up at her, his expression contrite. "I just wanted to apologize for what I said in your office. I had no right to delve into your personal life."

"I had expected you to apologize," Shepard said, carefully keeping her expression neutral, "but you needn't have worried. I wouldn't have given you a bad report just because you spoke out of turn. I'm not petty."

His brown eyes widened. "I'm not doing this for the good of my career, I'm doing it because my behaviour was wrong."

Shepard didn't know what to think. Kaidan was no fool; she knew his job meant the world to him, and that he wouldn't want to risk jeopardizing it.

"I accept your apology so let's just move on," she said, matter-of-factly. "It doesn't matter why you made it."

He winced. "It matters to me," he protested. "When we... talked, I felt angry. I felt that you'd let me down, let everyone down. It should have been obvious to me that you wouldn't have made such a difficult decision unless you had a very good reason. I shouldn't have questioned your judgement."

She could see regret in his gaze, but regret about what? For being foolish enough to tell his commanding officer how to do her job?

He looked as though he were going to say more, but instead he gently took her hand in his warm callused one. She felt that his biotic hum was elevated and rippling, a clear sign of mental unrest. Perhaps he was being sincere after all.

He looked into her eyes and gently ran his thumb over her palm, and it suddenly occurred to her that her biotics would compromise her emotional state as well. She slid her hand from his grasp.

"Well, I was wrong, too," she admitted. "I should have either removed my amp or made the effort to release biotic energy periodically. In that respect, at least, your knowledge of biotics has proved to be more extensive than mine. I got the bog-standard Alliance crash course. They taught how to use biotics, but not how they work."

Kaidan gave a shy smile. "Well, at least I got something good out of Brain Camp." He blinked his brown eyes sleepily, reminding Shepard that he wasn't entirely sober. She stood up and extended her hand to him.

"Let's get you upstairs to your room. I think you should go to bed."

"It's all right, I don't feel sick," he said, with a sleepy smile. "I feel pretty good, actually." He stood up and swayed a little.

"That may be," she said, soothingly, "but I still think you should lie down for a bit."

"Yes, Ma'am."

She took his hand and led him through the crowd to the elevator. As it ascended, Kaidan gazed at her with a dreamy expression. She couldn't help smiling back, but this proved to be a mistake because he moved closer and began to reach for her. She put her hands on his chest and kept him at arms' length.

"Alenko, you're drunk." She wanted to laugh but forced herself to sound stern. "You don't know what you're doing."

He halted his advance and contented himself with looking down at her with his warm, dark eyes. "I'm not that drunk, I'm jus' happy," he slurred. "I'm happy 'cause you forgave me."

_Step __away, __Jane_. _Step __away __from __the __gorgeous, __drunk __sentinel_.

The elevator chose that moment to shudder to a halt, and she hastily walked down the hall towards their rooms. The hotel had transferred the room IDs to their omni-tools, so Kaidan's door automatically unlocked when they reached it.

"There you go," she said, cheerfully, and patted him on the shoulder. "A good night's rest and you'll be right as rain. See you in the morning."

"Ah, Shepard, don't go," he said, huskily. "Stay with me, jus' for a little longer." He slid his arms around her waist and looked at her longingly. Shepard put her hands on his chest to push him away, but somehow she got caught up in his dark, Mediterranean eyes. The smell of his faint, spicy masculine scent made her head whirl, and she felt her self-control ebbing away, evaporating like dry ice in a desert.

With supreme effort she clutched at the frayed shreds of her willpower and moved to pull away, but stopped when he reached up one hand and gently brushed her hair away from her face. She shivered as his fingers lightly traced a line down her cheek. She knew, then, that she was lost. And she didn't care.

As if in a dream, she felt herself slide her arms around his neck and press herself against his warm, hard body. His gaze slid down to her mouth, and she tingled with heat and anticipation.

"Filise me," he breathed. His lips brushed hers, feather-light. "Meínete apópse mazí mou."

And then he closed his mouth over hers.

She shocked herself by kissing him back fervently. She slid her tongue in deep to caress his, and warmth flooded through her body, pooling low in her belly. She moulded her body to his, thrilling at the feel of his strong, warm hands sliding down her back. When he grasped her hips and pulled her harder against him, she almost moaned aloud.

Then reality hit her a sickening blow. She was a commanding officer taking advantage of a drunken member of her crew. It was completely unethical.

She gently extricated herself, and her body practically screamed in frustration.

"So, Alenko, that was your... er, goodnight kiss. Are you OK to go to bed now?"

His gaze lingered on her face, then slid down to her breasts, and then he finally took a deep breath and raked his fingers through his hair. "All right, I guess I'd better go," he said, thickly. He swayed a little, which made Shepard feel even more guilty. Just how drunk was he? The fact that he had mumbled some intoxicated gibberish just before they had kissed meant he must be off his tree. And she had gone ahead and smooched him anyway. She was a class act, all right.

Feeling flustered, she led him into the room, sat him on the bed and pulled off his shoes. He sleepily doffed his shirt and she got a close-up view of his torso. The light from the bathroom outlined the smooth planes of his chest and his defined abs, and she longed to run her hands all over him. _Dammit_, she thought, _this __just __isn't __fair_.

"Lie down," she ordered.

"Yes Ma'am," he said, automatically. He lay down, stretched his arms over his head and looked up at her with raw, drunken desire. Seeing him in the bed, bare-chested and with his dark hair tousled, she felt she had never wanted anything so much in her life. She felt sure that only his innate sense of propriety, still asserting itself through the haze of liquor, kept him from pulling her to him, kissing her deep and long.

Oh, she could have him. Right here, right now. She felt her heart pound in her chest at the thought.

_No_.

She forced herself to walk to the door. "'Night, Kaidan."

"'Night, Shepard."

She closed the door softly behind her and stood in the hallway, her mind whirling.

Tomorrow was going to be very, very awkward.


	10. Chapter 10 Dark memories

Nobody else had come down for the buffet breakfast. That meant, Shepard reflected, that they'd all stayed out far later than she had. No matter; they had more than earned this short break.

She loaded up her plate and spotted Kaidan in the corner, dressed in his Marine civvies and contentedly inhaling bacon and eggs. He didn't look troubled about events from the night before. Perhaps this confrontation would be easier than she had thought.

She walked over and slid into the seat opposite him.

"Good morning, Lieutenant. You seem to be well recovered."

He gave his warm, shy smile. "Morning, Ma'am. I actually feel fine, just hungry." He speared a mushroom. "If I didn't know better, I'd think I had been using my biotics last night. I really hope I didn't do any stupid biotic party tricks."

"So... you can't remember anything?" _Oh __please, __say __no._

"No."

She slumped in her chair in relief, watching him demolish a piece of toast.

"Well, I do remember hanging with the guys," he mused. "Then I chatted with Ashley, then I sat with you in a booth with a bowl of snacks that looked like they were made by dung beetles. And we talked... and I... I liked that."

"Yeah, I guess we patched things up a bit."

He smiled again. "Yeah, I'm glad we put that behind us."

"Same. So after that...?"

"After that, nothing. Please tell me I didn't make an ass of myself."

"Nope. You... um, you pretty much went straight to bed." She started munching on a roll to hide her discomfiture. "I bet you're pissed off at Garrus for giving you that crazy strong liquor."

"Nah, it's cool," he said. He paused, and then added, "You know, it gave me the most amazing dream, the best I've ever had. It felt so real."

"What was it about?"

"Er..." He busily occupied himself with spreading jam on his toast, looking embarrassed. "I don't remember it clearly. We kiss... um, I mean bliss. Blissful. It was a blissful dream." He cleared his throat self-consciously. "I mean, you know, whatever. Dreams are weird."

_Yeah. __Especially __the __ones __that __are __actually __real. _Her body tingled at the memory.

Kaidan, still bashful, lapsed into silence. She couldn't resist teasing him a little further.

"So, Alenko. You reckon an asari in a pin-striped suit is something you'd find on an extranet fetish site?"

He had just taken a gulp of water and nearly choked on it.

"Oops, sorry," Shepard tried not to laugh. "Would you like me to pat you unhelpfully on the back?"

He shook his head, coughed again and put the water down. "Ma'am, I said it _sounded_ like something you'd find on an extranet fetish site. I don't have first-hand experience."

"Pfft, you're a man. Even if you haven't seen any proper fetish sites, you must have at least seen some naughty asari sites. I see ads for them everywhere."

"Why would I want to?"

"Oh come on. Most asari are quite beautiful. You don't think they're easy on the eyes?"

"Well, sure. I also think the turian A-2500 cruiser is easy on the eyes. That doesn't mean I want to make out with it."

Shepard laughed. "Touché. Although I sometimes wonder if Joker would like to make out with the Normandy, if only that were possible."

"Joker's not as much of a pervert as he makes himself out to be, Ma'am. I think he just likes shocking people."

"Well he certainly shocked me with his simulated voice recording of that asari actress Seylia. He sent it to my omni-tool. Actually, there's a word in it that I don't understand, I'll play it for you and you can tell me what it means."

"I don't..."

She waved away his objections and pressed play, and they listened to the sound clip. It was torrid soliloquy from the actress, who was telling a lover all about what she'd like to do to his cloaca.

"So, Alenko," Shepard said, when it was finished, "what on earth is a cloaca?"

He harrumphed awkwardly. "It's something that birds have at their rear end. Both sexes have it, it's like an all-in-one orifice."

"So chicken eggs come out of a chicken's asshole? Ugh, I just ate three!" She wrinkled her nose. "Eggs, that is," she hastened to add. "Not assholes. Although I've seen worse things sold as edibles here."

He chuckled. "Yes. Salarians have a cloaca as well, so her remarks are presumably directed at a salarian."

"Yuck. I had to ask."

"And you wonder why I don't want to visit fetish sites," he remarked, smiling. "Still, kudos to Joker for cobbling together such a convincing voice clip. He must have sieved through hundreds of random words from Seylia's movies."

Shepard grinned. "_I_ actually thought it was real. I figured he had somehow hacked into her omni-tool comm frequency, and I sent him a message voicing my suspicions. Here's the reply he sent me." She angled her omni-tool so that Kaidan could read the message.

_'Commander, __tapping __Seylia's __comm __frequency __would __be __demeaning __and __a __gross __invasion __of __privacy. __So __I __did._'

Kaidan laughed. "Ah, I should have known."

"That's your problem, Lieutenant. You're too eager to believe the best about everybody." She downed the last of her juice. "I'd better be off. See you on the Normandy."

He caught her elbow. "Wait, Ma'am. Can I have a quick word before you go?"

"Sure, I guess." She sat down again. "I have some time."

"Thank you. I, ah... I wanted to talk about your decision to quit using biotics."

"What? This again?" Her good mood vanished. "I thought we had resolved this."

"Not really." He looked at her steadily. "We resolved the fact that I was wrong to tell you how to live your life. But we didn't discuss the real reason that you quit."

Irritation pricked her. "That is none of your business," she said, coldly.

"We've already established that my biotic training was more comprehensive than yours. You mentioned losing control. I could help—"

"Who says I need help?" she shot back. "I've got it under control."

"Commander, I'm only saying this because I care," he said quietly. "If I hadn't pulled you out of your brain-snap on Therum, you'd be dead."

"That's a massive exaggeration on your part," she snapped. His words had begun to stir up bloody, chaotic memories, and she tried vainly to push them away.

_Your __old __crew __died __because __of __you_, a small voice whispered in her mind. _And __instead __of __getting __a __court-marshal, __you __got __a __medal. __How __is __that __fair?_

She shoved her chair away from the table, causing its legs to screech on the floor in protest.

Kaidan stood up as well. "Shepard, for a moment can we just forget that you're my commanding officer? I remember what you said in the sim room, about not being able to use biotics in the field. It's obvious that there's more to it than just 'losing control.' As one biotic to another, I'm asking you to tell me."

"You know enough." She grabbed her jacket and headed for the door. "This subject is closed, Lieutenant. Permanently."


	11. Chapter 11 Overload

"Alenko, you're driving," Shepard yelled. "I'll man the canon."

As Kaidan hauled himself into the Mako's driver's seat, he reflected grimly that those were the most words he'd heard from Shepard in days. Before Noveria, she had merely been cool towards him. Now she spoke to him only when it was absolutely necessary.

Garrus, who couldn't help but notice this change, had quietly asked him what the hell had happened.

"I overstepped my bounds, but not without reason," he had explained. He didn't add that he missed her, in spite of it all. The only time he spent any time with her was on the battlefield, where they barely spoke.

"Well, you're still her go-to biotic on missions," Garrus had observed.

This was true, though Kaidan didn't know why. The woman was unfathomable. She was also maddening and frustrating, but he still wished he could make things right with her. He just had no idea how.

He remembered the anger and desperation in her voice when she walked out on him in Noveria. There had been a hint of shame in her voice, too. It wrung his heart.

He cursed himself for letting his emotions bring him this far, and angrily slapped the ignition button. The vehicle roared into life and he drove it expertly along the narrow prothean skyway, dodging debris while Shepard fired on the geth.

Everything was going swimmingly until the Mako's shield generator shut down, flashing an error message.

Garrus threw open the console panel and tried frantically to isolate the problem. Kaidan steered violently from side to side, trying to dodge enemy fire. Shepard miraculously managed to take out most of the geth, but the colossus was still operational. It spat out a crackling bolt of energy which flashed past the port window. Too close, far too close.

"Hit reverse!" Shepard yelled.

"It's slower in reverse, we won't be able to manoeuvre as fast!"

"Then turn around–"

There was a deafening crash, a sickening lurch and everything went black.

* * *

Kaidan opened his eyes to see the white walls of the med bay. Shepard was standing over him, wearing only her armour underclothes. They consisted of a rather plain grey tank and shorts, but they hugged her lithe figure and he felt a tug of longing at the sight of her. There was a small bandage on her upper arm, but aside from that she looked unharmed.

"Hey there, sentinel," she said, softly. "How do you feel?" She gently took his hand and began to trace light patterns on his palm.

"I feel great," he murmured. God he'd missed the sound of her voice. Her real voice, not the brusque Commander's bark she used on missions.

She smiled. "I told Dr Chakwas to take a break. I wanted to stay here and keep an eye on you."

"Thank you." He slowly sat up on the edge of the bed and drank in the sight of her delicate face, unable to believe she had stayed by his side, possibly for hours, to watch over him. He felt an urge to take her in his arms and hold her close, to tell her how relieved he was that they had both made it out alive.

As if reading his thoughts, Shepard moved closer and slid her slender arms around his waist. Her warmth and nearness made his heart pound in his chest.  
|

"I thought I had lost you," she murmured. "I can't believe I stopped talking to you after our stupid arguments. I completely shut you out."

"No, I'm the one who should be apologising." He wrapped his arms around her, loving the feel of her warm, lithe body against his. "I hounded you until you had no choice but to push me away. I was angry at you, but I'm not anymore."

Instead of replying, Shepard gently took his face in her hands and kissed him. Oh, he had wanted this for so long, and it was sweet, very sweet. He deepened the kiss, savouring the taste of her, and was rewarded with a soft moan from the back of her throat.

He kissed his way down her neck, making her shiver, and she slid her hands inside his shirt, running her nails down the taut muscles of his back.

"Take your shirt off," she whispered.

He pulled it roughly over his head, leaving him with nothing on but his under-armour shorts, and saw her eyes drink him in. She moved closer and kissed his chest, sliding her hand down to trace a light, tantalising path across his stomach. She hesitated then, her hand hovering just above the top of his shorts, and then slowly her fingers moved lower. He growled and began to lift the hem of her tank top. He suddenly wanted to see her, all of her. He felt a burning desire to touch every inch of her with his hands, his tongue and his–

He abruptly stopped when he realised where this was going. Many times he had imagined making love to Shepard, but it was never like this. He had always wanted to take his time with her, to romance her, not just fuck her lights out in the sick bay. She deserved better.

"Shepard, wait," he said, between gritted teeth. "I'm not so sure we should be doing this."

She laughed, lightly. "Why, don't you want to? It certainly feels as though you do." He bit back a groan as she stroked him through the thin fabric of his shorts.

"It's just... ahh... it's just so fast, Shepard." He grabbed her hand and held it still. "I want to know that you're sure about this. I'm worried that you're only doing it because you're relieved I didn't die."

She smiled and put her arms around his neck. "Well aren't you the responsible one," she teased. "I might just have to bring you home to meet my parents."

He took a deep breath and tried to ignore the silent howl of protest from his frustrated body. "Meet your parents? Sure, I'd like that," he said, and meant it.

Then a horrible thought struck him.

"Shepard, that slaver raid on Mindoir. Aren't your parents...?"

"Dead? Yes. Utterly and completely."

His stomach gave a lurch, as though he had dropped through the floor. "I'm dreaming right now, aren't I," he murmured, feeling desolate. "None of this is real."

"That's right," she whispered, nestling her head against his chest, "and you had better wake up soon."

"I don't want to," he said huskily, holding her close. "In the real world, we're not talking."

"That may be so," Shepard said, sounding distant, "but that doesn't mean I don't need you. So wake up."

When he hesitated, she pulled away from him and slapped him across the face, hard.

"Wake up!"

* * *

"Kaidan, wake up!" Her voice sounded desperate.

"Shepard... Shepard?" He opened his eyes to see her leaning over him, wearing her combat armour. The boiling grey sky of Feros framed her face.

"Oh thank God," Shepard said, her voice cracking. "I couldn't get you to wake up."

"I'm fine," he said. He propped himself up on his elbows. "Just a few bruises I think." He felt a little better knowing she had been worried about him.

"I need you to help Garrus," she said, urgently. "His arm is at a strange angle."

She offered a hand to pull him up, but he pushed it away. He sat up and planted his hands on the dusty concrete, but when he put his weight on them he felt a stabbing pain shoot through his right wrist. He grabbed it and cursed.

"I'm sorry," Shepard said apologetically, "I didn't know you were injured. Let me help you up."

He grudgingly allowed her to lift him to his feet. "I'm pretty sure it's just a bad sprain, Commander. Let me see Garrus."

She had been right to be concerned about the turian. Garrus' shoulder was obviously dislocated. He was awake but in a daze; probably concussed.

Kaidan was in an agony of indecision. He had treated dislocations in humans, but never a turian. He activated his omni-tool and found a relevant medical article. It said the joint should be pushed back into place using a particular piece of medical equipment – one that he didn't carry in the field. The article added that, if the equipment wasn't available, it was possible for two people to push the joint in manually – provided they faced the fact that there was a risk of doing further damage.

"Garrus," he said, hoping he sounded calmer than he felt. "You have a dislocated shoulder."

Garrus nodded. "Can you fix it?" he rasped.

"I can treat pain and swelling, but I can't pop it back in joint without risking further injury to you. If you want to take the risk, I'll try. Otherwise I'll strap your arm to your body until we get back to the Normandy."

Garrus hesitated. "I guess you'd better just strap it then," he muttered. "I can shoot one-handed if I have to."

Kaidan strapped his wrist and Garrus' arm, and injected mild pain-killers and anti-inflammatories. The drugs just barely took the edge off, but he didn't dare use anything stronger. He and Garrus needed all their wits about them.

He looked up to see Shepard inspecting the Mako, which was lying on its side, gently rocking back and forth as the wind buffeted it. Shepard nodded to him and together they gave it a biotic push. Kaidan bit back a howl of pain. The powerful biotic current running through his arm made it feel as though the bones in his wrist were grinding together.

Through the haze of pain he saw the Mako fall back onto its wheels with a crash. They all piled in and Shepard took the wheel. She pressed the ignition and headed for Zhu's Hope.

Kaidan was amazed it was able to start at all. In spite of several massive dents, it seemed to be fine.

They soon arrived at the end of the skyway and were met with a cluster of thorian creepers. Kaidan trained the battered canon on them and fired. A rain of sparks flew from the canon's mouth, and then nothing. He tried again. More sparks.

"Try the machine gun!" Shepard yelled.

He grabbed the controls and fired on the creepers, but the machine gun was obviously damaged as well. It managed to fire, but at a painfully slow rate.

"I'm going to just run these bastards over," Shepard growled. She drove back and forth, smashing into the creepers and bumping over them like speed humps. The broken door, held closed with a few thin cable ties, rattled loudly and threatened to fly open. Shepard ignored it, but when Garrus grunted in pain from his arm being jolted, she pulled the Mako to a halt with a screech.

"Time to do this the old-fashioned way," she yelled. She jumped out. Kaidan followed, diving for cover behind a geth barricade. He and Garrus, hampered by their injuries, aimed and shot at the creepers as best they could.

Shepard ran ahead and flung herself into the fray, firing off point-blank shots with her shotgun, wheeling around to plant immobilizing kicks, and taking any opportunity to snap the creepers' rubbery necks.

One by one, the creepers fell and lay still. Kaidan had just decided there were no more when one of the creatures emerged from behind him, reaching for him with its claws. He jumped back and lifted it, feeling awkward and weakened by using his left arm rather than his injured right one.

However, his efforts were still enough to lift the creeper into the air where it flailed and growled impotently, groaning its desire to rend his flesh. The rat-tat-tat of Garrus' rifle rang out, and the creeper fell silent, its mouth gaping open. Kaidan felt sick at the thought that it had once been a human being.

They moved ahead and came across a large group of angry colonists firing at them. Safe behind cover, Shepard lobbed neural grenades to render the colonists unconscious.

Kaidan was glad to see them neutralised with no loss of life, but he wasn't sure their supplies would last. Shepard had made Garrus and himself promise not to kill any colonists being controlled by the thorian, and reluctantly they had agreed. _Even if they fire on us_, she had insisted. _Even if they fire on us_, they had promised.

Now though, he wasn't so sure. She had only three neural grenades left, and when they were gone, what then? If he had to chose between the colonists and Shepard, he'd shoot every last one of them.

Garrus would do the same, he was sure. It was a comfort to know he had support from that quarter.

They took the elevator to Zhu's Hope and cautiously made their way inside. The colonists and creepers were out in force, and it was hell trying to protect one while killing the other. Shepard threw her remaining grenades, but there were still more colonists left, firing wildly at them.

_Sorry Shepard,_ Kaidan thought. _These last few will have to die. It's them or us_.

Unfortunately, Shepard didn't see it that way. She hurled herself at the angry colonists, knocking the guns from their hands and using non-fatal kicks and punches to knock them unconscious. Bullets thudded against her armour.

Kaidan and Garrus looked at each other, appalled, and then opened fire on the colonists. In a matter of seconds it was all over.

Shepard was livid. "You both _promised!_" she howled. "They didn't have to die!"

"It was them or you," Garrus grated. "You can't make Alenko and I sit back and watch you get killed."

"I was taking them down, I didn't need you," she hissed. Her breathing was ragged, and angry waves of blue energy began to lick along her arms. She seemed unaware of it for a moment, but then she took a deep, shuddering breath and the blue disappeared. She glared at Kaidan, her eyes daring him to say anything about it.

"Look, just fall in behind me, both of you," she muttered. "Let's see if you can follow an order for five minutes."

They pressed on, but around the next corner there were even more colonists. Shepard ran straight into the fray as before, but this time Kaidan and Garrus did not hesitate to open fire. Promise or no promise, Shepard's life was what mattered most.

"Stop it!" she roared, beset from all sides. More colonists swarmed in, and this time Kaidan knew she must realise it was hopeless.

"Use your biotics, Shepard!" he yelled. He fired his pistol and used his own biotics as best he could, but he could she was being overwhelmed. He saw a few individuals fly outwards, shrouded in blue fire that was not his, but more colonists rushed in to take their place.

At that point, when it seemed horribly certain she would die, the air around Shepard exploded in a flash of blue light, hurling her attackers into the air.

The blast spread outwards, and Kaidan had barely time to shield himself before it reached him. The shockwave broke upon his barrier, pushing him backwards, and the toes of his boots scraped furrows in the floor as he fought to stay upright.

Garrus was not so lucky. He had been thrown onto his back and was gasping for air. Kaidan let his shield dissipate, and rushed over to him.

"I'm… OK, Alenko," Garrus managed to get out. "Shepard just knocked the wind out of me."

_Shepard!_

He turned around to see her on her knees on the floor. Around her, the colonists were scattered on the ground, ominously still. He ran to her, put her arm over his shoulder and raised her to her feet – his injuries be damned. She staggered, her breath coming in hoarse gasps.

_Oh God, she can barely stand._

He scooped her up in his arms, took her into the domicile's med bay and laid her on the narrow bed. She lay there, wild-eyed and panting, while he pulled out a stick of energy gel and tore the top off with his teeth. He made her swallow the sickly pink contents, and then gave her some water.

Garrus joined them just as Shepard managed to sit up. She looked at both of them and gave a sad smile.

"Sorry guys, I messed up big time," she said, regretfully. "I guess I'm carrying around some baggage from Torfan. The civilian casualties there were… horrendous. I didn't want to be responsible for the deaths of more colonists.

"And I suppose," she conceded, "that when everybody keeps telling you you're indestructible you start to believe it.

"From now on though, you'll have the old me back," she said, decisively. "We'll get this mission completed in the most efficient manner possible."

She took a shaky breath and managed to get to her feet. "I'm going to rip that thorian apart with my bare hands if I have to."

Kaidan reached out his hands to steady her, but she waved him away and left the domicile of her own accord. He was amazed to see her walk unaided so soon. Whatever it was that kept Shepard going, whether it was anger, stubbornness or pure adrenalin, he wanted some.


	12. Chapter 12 The fall

Returning to Zhu's Hope after the death of the thorian was a miserable task. Shepard had expected the colonists to be angry with her for causing the death of their comrades, but they weren't. Instead, they told her they appreciated the efforts she'd made to minimise human casualties.

Somehow, this made her feel even worse. Impatient to be gone, she glanced over at Garrus, who was being inspected by a medic.

"Mr Vakarian I'll just grab a scanner and see how serious this is," the medic said. He left and returned with a small devise that looked like a clamp. He positioned it over Garrus' shoulder.

"Just hold still a moment…" the medic murmured.

There was a loud clunk and Garrus howled in pain. He grabbed the medic's collar and angrily hoisted him into the air.

"What the hell!" Garrus yelled.

"I… I put your shoulder back in joint," the medic gasped.

Garrus blinked, suddenly realising his arm felt normal, and he lowered the medic to the ground. "Thanks," he said, "but next time, warn me."

The medic rubbed his sore neck. "I wanted your muscles to be relaxed," he said, his voice raspy. "If I had warned you, you would have tensed up."

"Hmmm. Well, I'm sorry about half-choking you just then."

"That's fine, happens all the time."

"Really?"

"No, not really." The medic looked seriously pissed off. "I don't care if you lot have any more injuries, you can bloody well deal with them on your own."

He left, and Shepard saw Garrus give Kaidan an apologetic look.

"Sorry Alenko," he said. "Guess you're not getting your wrist fixed."

"Don't worry about it," Kaidan replied. "And for the record, unlike that medic, _I_ would have warned you."

"Thanks, good to know," Garrus said.

Shepard walked over to them. "_I_ wouldn't have."

"Ouch," Garrus chuckled. "That's not very nice."

"I'm not a very nice person." She smiled. "Are you ready to head back to the Normandy?"

Before the boys could answer, May O'Connell ran up.

"Shepard, could you go to the Skyway Weigh Station and bring back the doctor? Our medic here is refusing to treat anyone, he says he needs a rest."

Shepard bit back a groan. She wanted nothing more than to get off this accursed planet. Aloud, she said, "Of course."

"Thanks," May said gratefully. "I'll radio ahead."

The three trudged back to the battered Mako. Garrus, who had spent the entire walk happily swinging his healed arm around like a windmill, offered to drive. Shepard and Kaidan moodily slumped into the back seat.

The Mako lurched along the skyway, rattling and creaking alarmingly, and Shepard wondered idly if the doctor would even dare to set foot in it.

"GETH!" Garrus yelled. "Juggernaut!" He set the Mako in reverse, trying to find a path out through the debris.

_What?_ Shepard looked through the window and saw it, a lone juggernaut, dragging itself along the ground. It was badly damaged, with both legs broken and useless, but in its arms it held a rocket launcher.

As if in slow motion, Shepard saw it raise the launcher and fire.

"DUCK!" she yelled.

The rocket slammed into the already battered Mako and blew it to pieces. Shepard and Kaidan were hurled into the air, over the edge of the prothean skyway.

Falling through space, Shepard struggled to create a singularity between herself and Kaidan. She tried and failed, tried again and failed. After spending the day battling the colonists and the thorian, she simply had nothing left.

Kaidan pushed himself closer to her, grabbed her arm and then focused his biotic energy downwards, presumably trying to slow their descent.

Through the swirling mist she began to make out the terrain below. Water would have been nice but there was none, save for a tiny, shallow pond. The ground was flat and rocky, with the odd small cluster of greyish shrubs poking through the swirling dust.

She looked over at Kaidan and saw he had his eyes screwed shut with the effort of maintaining downward biotic force. His efforts had slowed their descent, but they were still falling fast. Far too fast. She would have to help him.

She waited until the ground got closer, until she could make out the individual leaves on the bushes. Then she mustered all her strength and pushed downward.

This slowed their descent still further, but she knew the impact was still going to be serious. Kaidan's grip, which before had been strong and sure, began to slip.

_Christ, he's burning out_.

She looked down at the ground rushing up to meet them, and saw the small pool of water off to one side.

With her last ounce of strength she shoved him sideways towards it, and then shut her eyes.


	13. Chapter 13 Out of reach

Kaidan opened his eyes to a world of pain. He felt as though he'd been through a mincer. He stood up, muddy water streaming off him, and assessed the damage. Thankfully, it seemed to be superficial. He had suffered burns and cuts through holes in his armour, but not much else.

Then he saw Shepard's still form on the rocks and he felt like he'd been kicked in the guts. He ran over to her and found her still breathing, and heaved a massive sigh of relief. Until he noticed a large piece of scrap metal protruding from the middle of her thigh.

He cut away the armour around it, and took a better look. It was bad. He debated pulling it out, but that could cause severe blood loss and he didn't have the provisions to deal with that. For the time being, he decided to apply medi-gel to the wound and bind her leg around the metal shard.

He tried to bring up the comms on his omni-tool, but got only static. He then tried to switch on Shepard's tool, only to discover that its implant chip had been crushed when she fell.

He looked around desperately at the desolate landscape, which was shrouded in a thin mist. Rocks and rubble lay everywhere, interspersed with a few scattered, forlorn shrubs. No roads and no buildings, save for the tall prothean ruins far in the distance, and the hulking skyway pillar behind them.

Something shiny caught his eye, and he saw a piece of the Mako's armour lying on the ground, steam rising off it in the cold air.

Kaidan suddenly remembered Garrus had been driving, and his heart sank even lower. The turian would have taken the full force of the rocket blast. His friend had deserved a better end. At least he would have died quickly.

He looked back at Shepard, knowing that she would die too if he didn't find shelter and medical help. It was cold, deathly cold. Kaidan looked up despairingly at the grey, boiling clouds above, which let in little light from the suns. There was no way anyone could use that sky to navigate, and his positioning tracker didn't seem to be working either. He would just have to start walking and hope for a miracle. The distant ruins would give him a constant point of reference at least, provided the clouds didn't get any lower.

He was just about to pick up Shepard when her eyes flickered open. "Where..." she murmured. She looked up at the skyway, a thin ribbon above them. "We were hit!" she gasped. "Where is Garrus?"

"I'm... not sure," Kaidan faltered.

"We have to find him, we…"

Shepard looked down at her bandaged leg, where the large shard of metal was protruding. "Oh shit," she whispered. He saw the colour drain from her delicate features, and her breathing became fast and shallow.

_Christ,_ he thought, _she's going into shock_.

"Don't worry, I'll fix it Shepard," he said, soothingly. "It'll be OK." He administered a painkiller, and saw her eyelids droop as the sedation kicked in. Her sleeping face looked pale and vulnerable, the only movement being the strands of hair that were whipped against her cheeks by the cold wind. He had never seen Shepard look so fragile, and it shook him to his core.

He took her in his arms and started walking.


	14. Chapter 14 Blurred

Shepard opened her eyes to a world that was grey and out of focus. She blinked and shook her head, trying to clear it, but the fuzziness wouldn't go away. Eventually she realised it was the ground she was looking at, and it was moving. Or was she the one who was moving? She felt a rocking motion as though she were on a ship, only there was no water. After what seemed like an eternity, she realised she was draped across someone's shoulders and being taken somewhere. She tried to raise her head to see where she was.

"Lie still Shepard," a familiar voice said. "We're nearly there."

"Nearly where?" she croaked. She couldn't think, couldn't remember.

"Nearly at a place where we can rest," the voice said. Dimly, she recognised it as Kaidan's. That reassured her, but something still seemed wrong. Something was missing.

_Garrus_.

"Where's Garr's?" she slurred.

Kaidan hesitated. "Garrus... didn't fall," he said, eventually. "Please don't worry about him, OK? Just rest."

Garrus didn't fall. Well, that was all right then, wasn't it?

She yawned as warm waves of sleepiness washed over her. The sound of Kaidan's breathing was soothing, although even in her addled state she noticed it sounded rather laboured.

"Are you all right?" she asked. "You sound puffed."

"I've been walking for a while," he said. "Don't worry about it, just rest."

"How long's 'a while?'"

"A while," he said, shortly. "Just rest. Please."

_I guess he's not in a chatty mood,_ she thought idly. She closed her eyes and listened to the faint rustling of the wind in the leaves. She was about to fall asleep when she heard a humming sound.

She groggily tried to determine what was making the noise. It sounded a bit like the body scanner in the med bay, but she was pretty sure that wasn't it. The med bay didn't have wind and leaves.

The hum got louder and she heard strange voices. She dragged open her heavy eyelids and saw the grey outline of a hover shuttle. Ah, so that's what the hum was.

She felt herself lifted and laid on a cushioned seat, followed by the sensation of moving along at high speed. It was a soothing motion and she drifted off.

The next thing Shepard knew she was lying on a bed in a room with bright lights. She winced and screwed her eyes shut against the glare; then she heard Kaidan's voice again.

"Shepard, the doctor is going to take care of you now. When you wake up you'll be better."

"I didn't know I was hurt," Shepard mumbled. Then darkness claimed her.


	15. Chapter 15 Out of the frying pan

"She'll be fine," the nurse told Kaidan. "Our doctor is excellent."

"Thanks," Kaidan said. "I'm sure he is."

The truth was, he wasn't sure at all. Who knew what these colony doctors were like? He wrung his hands, wishing he could go inside the med bay and grill the doctor on exactly how he was going to treat Shepard. It was a completely irrational impulse, he knew; field medics like himself weren't trained in major surgery.

He accepted a cup of tea from someone, sat back and looked around the common room. This was a different kind of Feros colony, large and populous. It was also far better equipped and more comfortable than Zhu's Hope.

_Still,_ Kaidan thought, _in fairness to the Zhu's colonists, it's probably a bit hard to implement nice décor when your mind is controlled by a plant_.

A young woman approached him, carrying a small child in her arms.

"Hello, Mr Alenko is it?"

Kaidan hadn't heard himself called 'Mister' in a long time, but now wasn't the time to quibble.

"Yes, that's me," he said. "Thank you for taking us in, I'm very grateful. And Shepard will be too, when she wakes up."

"It's no trouble," the woman said. Her little boy had the same chestnut curls and merry eyes that she had, and he squirmed and reached out his arms to Kaidan.

She laughed. "Tait has always been very friendly," she explained. "I'm Sarah, by the way."

"Nice to meet you. I don't mind holding him for a bit, if you like." Kaidan felt that any distraction was welcome at this point. Sarah put the boy in his arms and Kaidan made silly faces at him. The boy laughed and tugged at the cuffs of Kaidan's borrowed shirt.

"He certainly likes you," Sarah said, pleased. "Come with me, I'll show you to your room."

She led the way out through the common room, through a mess hall and finally into a dormitory. Kaidan looked along the long hallway and saw a large number of doors leading to rooms on each side. He was amazed. Just how big was this colony?

Sarah unlocked a door marked with the number 27, and ushered him inside.

"You're lucky," she remarked, handing him the key code. "This room has its own bathroom."

He looked around. The room was simple, with one bed, a chest of drawers, a small bench and a tiny bathroom. Still, to him it looked like heaven.

"It's perfect," he said, gratefully. "Thank you."

A young man with a shock of blond hair walked in, looking irritated.

"Why does new guy get the en suite room?" he grumbled.

Sarah rolled her eyes. "It just became available, Wade. Anyway, the en suite is tiny. The communal bathrooms are much nicer."

Wade grunted irritably.

"Well," Sarah said, taking Tait back from Kaidan, "I have to get going. There's some food in the mini-fridge under your sink." She smiled at him and left.

Wade loitered in the doorway, staring at Kaidan balefully. Kaidan decided to stare back, and the man hastily looked away.

_Weirdo,_ Kaidan thought. He decided to ignore him, and went to the fridge to find something to eat. It would be a relief to eat something other than energy gel.

"So…" Wade said, at length. "What do you think of our colony?"

"It's great," Kaidan said. He found a piece of corned meat and took a huge bite. _Oh yeah, _he thought, blissfully. _Solid food. I so needed this_.

While he ate, his thoughts turned to Shepard. He wondered where the colonists would take her after her operation.

"Wade," he said, making an effort to be nice, "do you think they'd be able to put Shepard in a room near mine? I want to be able to keep an eye on her while she recovers."

"She won't be sleeping in here with you?" Wade said, puzzled. "Does she snore or something?"

"No, it's not that…"

"Oho, so she's not your wife," Wade said with relish. "One of us boys will take her off your hands then. We don't have enough women in this colony, and she's gorgeous."

Kaidan suppressed the urge to punch Wade in his lecherous face. "I don't think she'd appreciate your offer," he said, between gritted teeth.

"But if she's not your wife–"

"She _is_ my wife." _There's no way I'm letting you near her, you freak. _"I just thought she could sleep in a different room because, um… because I didn't want to disturb her sleep while she's recuperating. But I guess the pain-killers will make her sleep soundly, so it's probably fine for us to share a room."

"Well, if you're sure…"

"I'm sure," he insisted. "Anyway, we're not going to stay long."

"What? You can't _leave_," Wade said, appalled. He couldn't have looked any more horrified if Kaidan had grown a second head. "Everybody stays," he added.

Kaidan frowned. This guy was definitely nuts. "Wade, we are not going to stay," he repeated, firmly.

Wade winced, as though he had an earache.

"You _will _stay," he said. "You'll stay and join the colony. The guards won't let you leave." He winced again. "That's assuming you wanted to leave, but why would you want to?"

Kaidan froze.

_ Oh no. Not again_.

"I'm… I'm just going to get an update on how my wife is doing," he said, pushing a protesting Wade out the door. Kaidan locked it behind him and headed for the common room.

Once there, he spoke to the first person he encountered – a young man playing with two small children.

"Hi," Kaidan said.

The man looked up. "Oh hello, you're the new guy, aren't you? Alenko or something?"

"Yes. Thanks for giving us a place to stay. Hopefully we won't trespass on your kindness for too long."

"Oh, so you'll be leaving?" The man looked puzzled. "When will..." He stopped and winced in pain, and then looked at Kaidan again. "Alenko, of course you'll be staying," he said, woodenly.

Kaidan's stomach knotted. "Sure, we'll stay," he said, trying to sound casual. "Why wouldn't we? See you around."

Kaidan spun around and made a beeline for the front door. A few people turned and looked at him in surprise, but nobody tried to stop him.

Outside it was freezing cold and raining, and his shirt was quickly soaked. Shivering, he slitted his eyes against the rain and looked back at the entranceway. It was set in the middle of a crumbling prothean façade lying against a hill. From the outside it looked like a decaying ruin; you would never know that a massive living space had been excavated into the hill behind it.

He cast his eye over the exterior, looking for defences. There were a number of partially-concealed rocket turrets, a fleet of hover shuttles armed with machine guns, and five armed guards sheltering under an overhang.

He had to get Shepard out of here. But how?


	16. Chapter 16 Stuck in bed

Sarah plumped Shepard's pillows and adjusted her blanket, and Shepard snuggled into the warmth with a sigh of contentment. 

Sarah laughed. "Judging by your expression, I'm guessing they've given you some pretty potent happy drugs." 

"Yeah, they're good," Shepard said, yawning. "Kaidan says the painkillers will wear off soon though, and that I should be prepared for a rough night. I don't know where he went, he was only here for a second." 

"Actually, he's barely left your side," Sarah said. "He's been grilling the doctor on how to look after your injury, what meds to give you, dosage intervals… I wouldn't have been surprised if he'd started painting this room your favourite colour. The guy's amazing. The only reason he's not here right now is because he's checking your latest test results." 

"OK," Shepard said, vaguely. Sarah talked quickly, and Shepard's drug-soaked mind was having trouble focusing on the words. 

Clearly Shepard's monosyllabic response wasn't enthusiastic enough for Sarah. "Jane, he's even insisted upon cooking all your meals himself," she explained. "He won't let us give you any water either, he wants to boil it before you drink it." 

What? Something about cooking and boiling? 

"Uh, that's good?" she hazarded. 

Sarah smiled indulgently. "I think I'll go and let you sleep off the drugs, honey. Kaidan will be back soon." 

"Thanks for looking after me," Shepard said. "'Preciate it." 

"It's nothing." Sarah smiled and hoisted Tait onto her hip. "It's nice to have someone new to talk to. I'll see you tomorrow." 

Shepard lay back and closed her eyes. Her injured leg itched and tingled, hinting at the pain that was to come. She wasn't looking forward to it. 

She heard the door open and turned to see Kaidan coming in, rubbing the back of his neck. He looked tired, but his expression brightened when he saw she was awake. He sat down on the edge of the bed and gave her an encouraging smile. 

"How do you feel, Shepard?" 

"Dopey," she confessed. "I can't understand people when they talk fast. I have all the mental agility of a squashed grapefruit." 

"That's impressive," he said, smiling. "Most people on those drugs would have the mental agility of a squashed pea." 

"Cool." She gave him a shaky thumbs up. 

"So apart from the drop in IQ, how do you feel?" 

"Just a bit of a dry mouth," she said. "I'm not in any pain." 

He fetched her a glass of water and she sat up and took a sip. 

"Ugh, it's warm." 

"Yeah, sorry about that. I boiled it a little while ago." 

"Why?" 

He hesitated. "You know… for pathogens. There are probably bugs on this planet that our bodies aren't used to." 

"Oh." She tried in vain to remember whether he'd ever boiled water on other planets. Trying to pin down her memories was like trying to pin down a cloud. 

Kaidan sat on the bed again and she saw he was carrying several pill bottles. 

"Speaking of bugs," he said, "I'm afraid you've picked up a kelococcal infection. It got in through your leg wound." 

"Is it serious?" 

Kaidan shook a couple of tablets onto his palm. "It's not fatal but the treatment is pretty full-on," he warned. "When the bacteria are lysed… killed… they release a nasty toxin." 

"So… I'm going to get worse before I get better?" 

"'Fraid so." He looked at her apologetically. "You'll be tired, feverish and have a bad cough for a few days. The drugs will also make you a bit loopy." 

"This just keeps getting better and better," she drawled. "I think I'd rather have the bacteria." 

"You can choose that option, certainly. I just thought you might prefer not to get covered in giant abscesses." 

_Ouch._ "I see." She took the tablets he offered her and downed them with alacrity. "Can we leave tomorrow? I want to get out of here as soon as possible." 

"Shepard," he said patiently, "you'll have to resign yourself to being stuck in this bed for a while." 

"I'm not totally incapacitated," she pointed out. "I can still hobble." 

"If you try hobbling any further than the bathroom I'll tie you to this bed." 

"Pervert." 

He rolled his eyes. "That's not what I meant." He got up and went over to his improvised kitchenette. "Right now I'm going to make some soup, you are going to drink it and then you have to sleep." 

"Fine." She slumped back onto the pillows. "But just so you know, I'm hobbling out of here the first chance I get." 

He chuckled. "Then for the next few days I'll see to it you don't get any chances."


	17. Chapter 17 No way out

Going after the thorian was a bad idea, Kaidan decided. Even if he could locate the ancient plant, the thorian would almost certainly incite all its thralls to defend it. The result would be a bloodbath. 

That left escape as the only option. To that end, Kaidan examined the comm and defence systems all around the colony, under the guise of maintenance. He had earned the colonists' trust by improving their short-range comm reception, and now they happily gave him free rein to go wherever he wished. His nickname had become Mr Fixit. It wasn't a moniker he would have chosen but he didn't mind; back on Earth he'd often been referred to as 'Biotic Freak'. Mr Fixit was just fine. 

Unfortunately he couldn't find any long-range comms, which meant he and Shepard would have to escape with no outside help. He wasn't concerned about the gun turrets and shuttles – he could disable those in his sleep – but the guards would be more of a challenge. 

The biggest problem, however, was not how he and Shepard would escape, but where they would escape _to_. The skyway was inaccessible unless they learned how to fly. There were some distant, crumbling prothean ruins, but who knew if there was anything inside them besides dust and varren? 

He sat down at the bench in the room he shared with Shepard, trying to be quiet so as not to wake her, and tried for the umpteenth time to fix his omni-tool. The tracking beacon wasn't working and the long-range comm was picking up nothing but static. 

The radar was also damaged; its range had gone from 50km down to 2km. No buildings were showing up within that radius, not that he would have stopped running after only 2km anyway. He wanted to get much farther away from the colony than that. 

He sighed and looked at Shepard. She was sleeping quietly, bathed in the dim orange glow from his omni-tool. He hated to wake her but it was nearly time for her next dose. 

He found a glass and took some pre-boiled water out of the fridge. It had been a pain to have to boil water and cook every meal himself, but he didn't want to take the chance that the water and food supplies were infected with thorian spores. 

He took a couple of tablets out of the medicine bottle, sat on the bed and gently shook Shepard's arm. 

"Mmmph," she mumbled, frowning. "No, Ashley, I'm not buying you the Phoenix armour. It's garbage." 

He laughed silently, and shook her arm again. 

"I'm trying to keep you alive, not make you look fabulous." She stirred. "Huh… Kaidan?" 

"Right here, Shepard. It's time to take your medicine." 

She hauled herself up into a sitting position, grabbed the pills and water, swallowed the lot in one gulp and collapsed back onto the pillows. Then she launched into a fit of coughing, sounding as though she were about to bring up a lung. He gave her some more water, and after she had drunk it she seemed to feel better. 

"Get some rest," he said. "I'll wake you for your next dose." 

"Don't you ever sleep?" she wheezed. 

"You need the sleep more than I do, Hobble." This new nickname never failed to get a rise out of her. 

"Don't call me Hobble!" she shot back, and he couldn't help grinning. She pointed an accusatory finger at him. "Alenko, come to bed already." 

"I guess I probably should," he conceded. He set the alarm, pulled off his shoes and socks and slid under the covers. 

The only problem with going to bed, he reflected, was that Shepard liked to drape herself all over him, enjoying his warmth, and then she would promptly fall asleep. He couldn't move without waking her so he had to lie still all night, sleeping fitfully, and then wake up stiff – in every sense of the word. If he wanted a decent night's sleep he had to go to bed late and sneakily slide under the covers on the side farthest from her. 

No such luck tonight. He lay down and Shepard snuggled against him, and drowsily slid her arm over his chest and her leg over his belly. 

He couldn't imagine anything more impractical and frustrating than lying there with Shepard's supple, warm body pressed against him. She felt too good, smelt too good. 

_Ah well,_ he thought. _It is nice, just the same_. 

He traced his fingers lightly along the small of her back and tried his best to drift off.


	18. Chapter 18 Beating the system

Shepard awoke to find herself spooned against Kaidan, who had his arm wrapped around her and was snoring softly in her ear. 

She told herself she was a reasonable woman. She was OK with the fact that they needed to pretend to be married – he had told her they were in a colony of puritans, of all things – but lately he did seem to be taking the whole 'couple' thing a bit far. 

To be fair though, two days ago she had woken up to find_ herself _draped all over _him_. She supposed she must have done that herself, although she wasn't sure why. She chalked it up to the strong meds. 

Now, however, her dosage was reduced, her mind was clearer and she was in no mood for canoodling. She needed to get the hell out of this bed and figure out how they were going to escape from this nut house. 

She tried to slide away from under Kaidan's arm but he simply tightened his hold and gently pulled her closer. 

"_Agapi mou_," he murmured, nuzzling her neck. "_Mi fevgis stasou_." 

His barely perceptible biotic hum revealed he wasn't fully awake. Shepard sighed, torn between her urge to get up and her desire to let him sleep. He had spent the week working himself to exhaustion trying to find a way for them to escape, and on top of that he'd spent his nights getting up every four hours to administer her meds. The strain was starting to show. He was still as handsome and self-assured as ever, but yesterday she had noticed dark circles under his eyes and his voice had been husky. 

She decided to stay put and have a think while he slept. 

Their predicament, she had to admit, was pretty grim. First of all, they were in a cult-like colony which didn't allow people to leave. Kaidan had warned her to never discuss the taboo 'leaving' subject with a colonist, not even to Sarah. Shepard suspected there was more he wasn't telling her, but she decided that didn't matter. Likely the colonists had weird religious rituals, like worshipping scissors or having all the men get married to the same chicken. She could understand if he wanted to spare her that. 

The second problem was the armed guards. Kaidan could easily disable the colony's turrets and shuttles but dealing with the guards would require combat. If Shepard was fully recovered that wouldn't be a problem, but she was still weak. 

Thirdly, their omni-tools couldn't access long-range comms, and the colonists had no long-range comm equipment either. 

Finally, Kaidan's damaged omni-tool radar meant they couldn't search for buildings more than 2km away. 

She mulled over this last problem for a while, and then had an idea. Unfortunately, it meant she'd have to get Kaidan up. 

_ All of him that isn't already up, that is,_ she thought. _What is it with men and mornings?_

"Kaidan, it's time to get up," she said. 

"Shep'd," he mumbled, clutching at her possessively. 

"Wake up!" She shoved at his arm. 

"Huh, wha?" He blinked sleepily, and then realised he was hanging onto her like a limpet. He self-consciously extricated himself and put a pillow on his lap. Shepard looked away to hide her smile. 

"I have an idea," she said. "I want you to go on the next varren hunt." 

His brown eyes widened in surprise. "Do you think they'd take me? It would mean one of the other hunters would have to miss out. There's only room for four people on each shuttle." 

"Of course they'll take you, you're Mr Fixit. They love you, or at least that's what Sarah tells me." 

He rubbed his neck self-consciously. "I only did a few upgrades for them, it's not like I rewired the place. I don't know what all the fuss is about." 

"Either way, you've won them over," she replied. "In any case, I need you to go on a hunt and keep your omni-tool switched on the entire time. If the other hunters ask why it's switched on, just give them some tech-babble excuse." 

"And I'll be keeping my omni-tool switched on because…?" 

"Because you're going to be monitoring the radar. These hunts probably range for considerable distances." 

He sat up straighter. "Hey yeah, that could work. Especially as I've managed to boost the radar range a little. It now has a radius of 5 k's." 

"Excellent," Shepard said. She grabbed her pill bottle and was relieved to see there were only four left. Four more doses and she'd have her brain back. 

Kaidan got up and started making breakfast while she rummaged in the drawer for some clothes. It would be a relief to wear something other than the shapeless nightshirts she'd been living in for the past four days. 

"While you're on the varren hunt," she said as she rummaged, "I'm going to make a circuit of this facility and see what I can learn." 

There was a tense silence, and she knew he was trying to think up a reason to stop her. 

"I haven't left this room in days," she pointed out. "You don't want my muscles to atrophy, do you? What's wrong with me having a look around the colony?" 

"I guess that's OK," he said, slowly. "Just… try not to talk to people too much, OK? And don't mention—" 

"Don't mention leaving, I know," she said. "Stop fussing over me, will you? My wits may not be razor-sharp right now but I'm not completely helpless." 

He handed her a glass of water and smiled. "Very well. I won't try to stop you, Hobble." 

"And don't call me Hobble!"


	19. Chapter 19 Escape plans

Shepard decided that repairing armour by hand was the most horrible task she'd ever attempted. Fortunately, Sarah was happy to help. 

"So, Jane, you're planning to become a door guard?" Sarah asked, applying glue to a tear in Shepard's chest plate. "I can't think why else you'd need armour." 

"Uh, yeah, that's it." 

Shepard tried to shove a thermoplastic plate into a thin sleeve in the back of her armour. She'd had to remove a lot of plates to repair them, and they weren't at all keen to go back in. On the rare occasion that she did manage to wrestle a plate into its sleeve, it would slyly slide out when she reached for the clamps. 

She toyed with the idea of biotically lifting all the pieces and smashing them together repeatedly in mid air. It wouldn't do any good, obviously, but it would feel immensely satisfying. 

Such maniacal behaviour might alarm Sarah though, so Shepard just gritted her teeth and gave the plate another shove. She thought longingly of all the shiny new armour in the Citadel markets. She'd always vowed she'd rather die than don Phoenix armour but now she'd happily wear it, in all its loathsome pink-tinged glory. 

Now was not the time for daydreaming, however. She and Kaidan needed to find a place to escape to and, with luck, Sarah might have the answer. 

"So, have you ever been on a varren hunt?" Shepard enquired. "Or, you know, ever explored the terrain around here?" _That didn't sound suspicious, did it?_

"I explored around our old location," Sarah said, "but since we moved the colony here I haven't gotten out much." 

"You moved the colony?" Shepard was surprised. "Why?" 

"We were being exploited by ExoGeni so we moved south and hid from them," Sarah explained. "By now they've probably written us off as being dead." 

Exploitation by ExoGeni. What was new? 

"So what are the colony's plans now?" Shepard asked. 

"To wait until our ExoGeni contract expires and then come out of hiding," Sarah said. "That way, they can't take our resources. We do have a few guards to defend ourselves but if the company learns of our location we're sunk. We just have to lay low." 

"Fair enough. I'm not a fan of ExoGeni, myself." 

"Good. If you're a guard, you could help us defend the colony with your biotics," Sarah suggested. 

"What? How did you know I'm a biotic?" _Do I glow blue in my sleep or something?_

"I felt your amp when I helped lift you into bed." 

_Oh. _"Being a biotic didn't work out for me, Sarah. I don't use my amp now." 

Sarah applied some solvent to a dribble of glue. "Why didn't haven't you gotten rid of your amp, then?" she asked. 

Shepard hesitated. Sarah wouldn't understand the real reason. Kaidan, on the other hand, had never needed to ask; he'd simply understood. Interestingly, he had also stopped prying into the incident that had made her quit using biotics. Still, after her display at Zhu's Hope there was little left to explain. 

She took a deep breath. "I tried removing my amp, but..." _It felt as though the fire in my veins had turned to ashes. As though my blood had drained out of me. I couldn't bear it_. "...I decided if I found myself in a rough spot one day, I might have need of it." That was true enough. 

"I guess I can understand that," Sarah said. 

Shepard was keen to change the subject. "You said ExoGeni wanted to take your resources. What resources are we talking about?" 

Sarah didn't reply right away. "I don't really know," she said, at length. "It's all underground, and the guards are secretive about it. I do know it can be dangerous down there. My husband went and never came back." 

"Oh, I'm so sorry." 

"It's OK Jane. That was some time ago now." 

Shepard wanted to say she understood, that she had lost loved ones as well, but Sarah looked reluctant to discuss the matter further. Shepard let the matter rest and they worked in silence for a while. 

Finally, she decided to have one last dig for intel. 

"Where is your old colony site?" she asked. "Did you leave anything behind?" _Any long-range comms, for instance?_

"It's about 40 k's northwest," Sarah said. "We did leave some stuff behind but not much. Every now and then someone suggests going back to salvage parts, but so far nobody has. It's easier to strip the emergency huts." 

"Emergency huts?" Shepard squeaked. She cleared her throat. "The kind that are stocked with rations, long-range beacons, that sort of thing?" 

"Yes, but we have no need for emergency shelter," Sarah explained. "We're not silly enough to travel at night, or alone, and risk getting caught out. And we certainly wouldn't want to set off a beacon and risk being found by ExoGeni." 

Shepard busied herself with the glue gun, trying not to look as excited as she felt. "So, have you stripped all of these huts?" she asked, trying to sound casual. 

"I think there's one left to the north that we haven't stripped yet," Sarah said. She eyed Shepard slyly. "I have to tell you, Jane, these huts are very small and basic. If you're after a romantic getaway with that hot husband of yours, I'd advise you to look elsewhere." She gave a cheeky wink. 

Shepard smiled and returned to her work. 

_ You can keep the romantic part, Sarah. I just want the getaway_.


	20. Chapter 20 Jailbreak

Shepard's heart hammered in her chest as she opened the front door. Holding her breath, she silently slipped out and hid behind a crate of drilling equipment. Kaidan followed, as quiet as a wraith, and knelt beside her in the gloom. He pointed to one of the shuttles on the far side of the armed guards; it was the only shuttle that he hadn't disabled. 

On Shepard's cue, the pair emerged from behind the crate and opened fire on the guards. Two fell, then Kaidan lifted a third. 

Shepard ducked behind cover and cursed her weakness. Her leg was stiff and aching, her arms felt like lead and her head whirled. She gritted her teeth, snuck a look around the edge of the crate and managed to take down another guard. She watched Kaidan kill the final one. 

One wounded guard still floated helplessly above them, and Kaidan aimed his pistol to put him out of his misery. 

"Wait," Shepard said. "We can question him. I want to be sure about where we're going." 

Kaidan frowned. "Be quick," he said. "Some of the others may have heard the gunfire." He barricaded the entrance door and then ran to the getaway shuttle and started the engine. 

Shepard pulled the guard onto the ground. His breath was coming in short gasps and she knew he was near death. 

"We're leaving," she told him. "We've detected a small building 35 k's to the north. Is it an emergency hut?" 

"You're leaving?" the man whispered. He flinched, as though he felt a stabbing pain in his brain. Shepard wondered where she had seen that reaction before. 

"You can't leave," the man gasped. He stopped and flinched again. "You won't even try," he said, woodenly. "You will stay." 

Shepard stood up slowly, feeling sick to her heart. With a cold certainty she knew that Kaidan must have known the dark truth the whole time. 

And he had never said a word. 

"Shepard, we have to go!" Kaidan yelled over the noise of the engine. "The others will have heard us!" 

She rounded on him. "Why didn't you tell me the truth about the thorian?" she howled. "We could have killed it! What about Sarah, and all those children? Are we just going to leave them?" 

She saw the shock in his face and they stared at each other for a few long heartbeats. He took her wrist. "Shepard, there are only two of us and you're injured," he pleaded, his eyes wild and desperate. "We have to get out of here!" 

Shepard snatched her arm back. She tried to think, tried to push past the throbbing ache in her leg, the dizziness, the spots dancing in front of her eyes. There must be a way, some way, to take down the thorian. 

Suddenly the air was knocked out of her as Kaidan picked her up, carried her to the shuttle and dumped her in the passenger seat. He jumped behind the wheel and put one arm across her middle, holding her hard against her seat so she couldn't jump out. 

"I have to get you away from here!" he yelled. "We'll send help later, OK?" 

As the shuttle started to pull out she looked back and saw scores of colonists storm out of the building and run to the other shuttles. In the throng she could make out Sarah, who aimed a pistol at Kaidan, her face a mask of fury and hate. 

_Oh, Sarah!_

Kaidan slammed his foot onto the accelerator and they disappeared into the night.


	21. Chapter 21 Flight

Kaidan felt a rush of adrenalin as he gunned the shuttle, sending it hurtling through the darkness at breakneck speed. The slipstream whipped up a cloud of dust behind them, obscuring their escape.

He looked over at Shepard, who had buckled herself in and was hunched forward, trying to stay below the worst of the wind howling over the windscreen. Kaidan couldn't fathom why the colonists had opted for open-topped shuttles on an inhospitable planet like Feros. It was bitterly cold, but at that moment he didn't care. After so many days spent fighting his instinct to take Shepard and run, he felt that a great weight had been lifted off his shoulders.

He snapped his visor down, activating the helmet comm.

"We did it, Shepard," he said. "It will take days for them to get their shuttles operational."

"Thank God," she said. Her voice sounded thin and tinny inside his helmet.

"We'll send help as soon as we can," he reassured her. "The colonists won't be thralls for much longer."

"You got that right," she said, sounding angry. "I'm going to organise a crack team with neural grenades to neutralise the colonists and then we'll blast that thorian to pulp."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the thorian before," he said, apologetically.

"It's OK," she said. "If you had been the sick and injured one, I wouldn't have wanted to tell you either. It was just a shock to find out when I did. I'll feel better when we kill it."

So would he, although for the moment all he wanted was to get Shepard to shelter as soon as possible. She was shivering violently, and he suspected the wind must be driving into every hole in her battered armour. He was much better off; his armour hadn't suffered as much damage, and he also had more flesh on his bones. Shepard had lost weight during her illness, despite his best efforts to get her to eat.

Endless, undulating dust dunes stretched before them, dotted with sad, withered shrubs and menacing black hollows. The cold advanced slowly, inexorably, and Kaidan felt his body heat start to drain away like bath water. The only thing in their favour was the fact that they were making good time.

It was too good to last. Kaidan judged they were two-thirds of the way there when a group of huge boulders loomed ahead, bigger than the Mako. He hit the reverse thrusters and swerved, managing to dodge between two of them, but not without a sickening scrape along the side of the shuttle.

Feeling his heart pounding in his chest, he put the engine in neutral and looked over at Shepard. She was rubbing her neck – he'd stopped very suddenly – but otherwise she seemed well enough. Now that the engine was idling they could hear the sounds of the wasteland around them. The wind whistled between the rocks, whipping up puffs of fine dust, and far away a varren roared a challenge.

"Judging by your stunned expression," Shepard said, "your omni-tool radar didn't detect this field of shuttle-sized boulders."

"It's an outdated radar." He swivelled the floodlights to scan for a way around the field of boulders. There was none. "I've been been meaning to ask for a new one, but you've bought me so much expensive gear lately that it seemed churlish to ask for more."

"When have I ever refused to give you an upgrade?" Shepard said. "I'll get you a new omni-tool as soon as we get back, the best there is."

It was ironic, he thought wryly, that he was being offered the best upgrade money could buy, just when he was so stressed he couldn't get excited about it.

He motored forward slowly, manoeuvring around the towering rocks. Dust swirled around them, picked up by the rising wind, and the sharp edges of the boulders began to blur in front of his eyes. If the wind got any stronger, the visibility would quickly deteriorate. Kaidan hoped that Shepard, who was slumping wearily in her seat, hadn't noticed. A futile wish, he knew, because Shepard noticed everything.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw her sit up straight. She pulled out her shotgun and loaded it, but her normally fluid movements were stiff and clumsy.

"Varren," she explained. "Off to the port side. About five of them, keeping pace with us."

She fired several times and he heard yelps.

She stowed her shotgun, and then grasped the grabrail on the dash and rested her forehead between her hands. When she didn't shift from that position he began to feel faintly alarmed.

"Shepard, are you all right?"

"Yeah," she said, drowsily. "I was cold before but I've gotten used to it. Now I just feel sleepy."

Surely she couldn't be hypothermic so soon? She couldn't be.

But what if she was?

"You have to stay awake," he said, urgently.

"I know. I'm trying," she murmured. Her voice was faint.

He cast around for something to say to keep her from falling asleep. "Shepard, um..." _Think of something! _"Why do you think the thorian wanted to stop people leaving?"

"What?" she murmured. She paused for a while, and then: "So it could build an army of tenders? Or maybe to ensure no outsiders discovered it?"

"The Zhu's Hope thorian didn't try to confine us," he pointed out.

"We were helping it," she said, and yawned. "We were fighting the geth."

She sat up then, which was encouraging, but then her head began to droop.

"Shepard," he said. "Shepard!"

"Mmmph."

Kaidan felt desperate; he wanted to shake her but he needed both hands to steer. He swerved hard and saw her jerk awake. With luck, if he kept talking and swerving, he would be able to keep her awake until they got there.

He talked to her about his family, about BAaT, about planets he had travelled to and outlying places that he longed to see. He even started to talk about politics but realised that was not the smartest way to keep somebody awake. _With the possible exception of Udina,_ he thought, wryly.

Finally he saw the telltale blip of a building on his radar. He weaved through the rocks as fast as he could, feeling the cold tightening in a painful band around his middle. He kept talking to Shepard, although he was concentrating so hard on driving that he barely knew what he was saying. He thought he must sound like an idiot, chattering about trivialities, but he didn't know what else to do.

Every fibre of Kaidan's being urged him to go faster, _faster,_ but that would be suicide. They'd end up battered to bits on the rocks.

At last he saw a grey metal building ahead of them, half buried in dust. He jerked the shuttle to a halt alongside it, jumped out, and nearly fell flat on his face when his knees buckled. Somehow he got his legs to work, stumbled around to the passenger side and helped Shepard out. He carried her into the hut and the wind slammed the door behind them.


	22. Chapter 22 Alone together

The light of Kaidan's omni-tool revealed a small supply cupboard, two low bunks and what looked like an emergency beacon. A layer of fine dust lay on every surface, and the air was cold and stale.

He helped Shepard to sit on a bunk. She was shivering, which was a good sign; it meant her body wasn't shutting down. He took off her gloves and rubbed her hands, and she tried to smile.

"I feel like my arms and legs are all going to snap off," she said, shakily. "Give it to me straight, Doc – are all my extremities going to drop off? Will I end up as nothing but a torso and a head?"

The woman was incorrigible. "You're going to keep your limbs, Shepard," he replied, "though I don't think being limbless would stop you doing anything you had a mind to." He went to the cupboard and found blankets, rations and a chemical heater. He put two blankets around Shepard's shoulders and began mixing the heating chemicals in their glass canister.

"Being limbless might make it difficult to comb my hair," Shepard reflected, her teeth chattering. "And, you know, to move around. That's unless I figure out how to float everywhere on a cushion of biotic energy. Did they teach you how to do that at Brain Camp? Float around like a Thessian hover weasel?"

"Nope, sorry," he said. He put the heater on its stand and placed it on the floor at Shepard's feet. The crimson chemicals started to glow, filling the room with a dim, reddish light. "Floating like a hover weasel wouldn't help you comb your hair, anyway."

"Sure it would. Garrus is a walking comb, I'd just float by the back of his head a few times."

As soon as the words came out of her mouth she screwed her eyes shut and bowed her head.

"God, I still can't believe he's gone." Miserably she started to fumble with the zips on her armour. "I can't help feeling that he's still on the Normandy, waiting for us, though I know that's impossible."

"There's always hope," Kaidan said, and then grimaced at how empty and trite that sounded. He laid a sachet of soup on the heater. "Give this a couple of minutes and then drink it." She nodded dumbly.

The emergency beacon on the wall was like none Kaidan had ever seen. It had no VI console, just a single yellow button. He pressed it and nothing happened. No light, no sound. Nothing.

He considered opening the panel but the screws were rusted shut. Even if he had the means to force it open, which he didn't, such a move could damage the internals. He knew, with miserable certainty, that the device was beyond repair.

He walked over to Shepard and sat beside her. She looked small and pale, and he longed to take her in his arms and tell her everything would be all right.

Only it wouldn't be. Kaidan hadn't failed at much in his life, but he decided he was certainly making up for lost time. He had taken Shepard to a thorian colony, executed a violent escape plan that had whipped the colonists into a homicidal frenzy, and then he'd topped it off by bringing Shepard to a derelict shack with no comms. When it came to bad rescues, this had to be some sort of record.

He drew in a ragged breath. "The beacon isn't transmitting," he told her. "It's not giving any sign that it's broadcasting a signal."

He saw her body tense. "Maybe it_ is_ transmitting but you can't tell," she suggested. She sounded as though she wished rather than believed it to be true. "Maybe the older models are different."

"I wouldn't get my hopes up. I've never heard of a silent emergency beacon." He rubbed his temples, which had begun to ache. He hoped it wouldn't turn into anything more serious.

"We've got enough food and water to sustain us for a few days," Shepard pointed out. "Let's wait a day, and if no help comes we can go to the old colony site." She handed him the half empty sachet of soup. "You can finish this."

Kaidan downed the dregs. "And if there's nothing useful at the old site, then what?"

She hesitated. "We'll go back to the thorian colony."

"You can't mean that!" Kaidan was appalled. "The colonists would shoot us on sight!"

"That's true," she admitted. "We'd have to break in at night and try to find the thorian." She tried to open the side zip of her armour but her cold fingers couldn't manage it.

"Let me," he said. He undid the zips for her, and helped her to stand up and doff the battered suit.

"I think I know where the thorian is," he confessed. "At the end of the storage room there's a door with some guards. I asked if I could go inside to do maintenance, and they said I wasn't allowed in, and wouldn't tell me why. They were twitching like mad." He put the blankets back over her shoulders, covering her thin Alliance-issue tank top.

Shepard curled her hands into fists.

"Fine," she growled. "We'll take out the guards and then attack the creepers and the thorian." She sat on the bed with a thud and glared at the heater.

Kaidan shrugged out of his armour and sat on the opposite bunk. "Shepard, we won't make it out alive," he said, quietly.

She pulled the blankets tighter around her. "I know."

They were silent for a time, and he could tell she was thinking the same thing he was.

_At least we'll go down fighting_.__

  
Kaidan couldn't believe that all their efforts had come to this. It didn't feel real. Surely he would wake up and find himself back on the Normandy, with Shepard back to her robust, businesslike self? His jaw clenched at the thought that he had failed her, and the price for his failure would be her life.

"I'm sorry Shepard," he said, hoarsely. "I did my best."

She shook her head. "No, don't apologise. You've been amazing. You've looked after me better than anybody ever has."

She stood up, walked over to his bunk and hugged him. 

Shepard felt Kaidan's strong arms encircle her waist, holding her close. She rested her cheek on the top of his head, closed her eyes and savoured the feel of his warm breath against her chest and the slight scratching of his stubble through the thin fabric of her tank top. His biotic hum was steady and strong, like the man himself.

Comfort and familiarity soaked through her. Shepard wasn't afraid of death; she hadn't felt true fear in years. Even so, the knowledge that she'd be dead in a few days was a like a kick to the guts. She hoped her successor on the Normandy would be Anderson – someone she trusted to get the job done – but she couldn't be sure. Everything had gone to hell, and the only thing that felt right at that moment was Kaidan. She let out a shuddering breath and wished he would never let her go.

At length he released her.

"You should rest, Shepard," he said, thickly. "You're not fully recovered. You should have spent today taking it easy, not getting shot at and half frozen."

She could see the guilt and regret in his eyes, and she ached for him.

"I'm healthy as a horse," she protested. "A slightly lame horse, yes, but there's no need to shoot me just yet."

She hoped this would lighten his mood but he merely gave her a tight smile that didn't reach his eyes. "You should rest," he repeated.

"No."

He frowned, and before she lost her nerve she leaned over and kissed him. For a moment he didn't respond, and she worried that she had made a mistake, but then his lips parted under hers, warm and firm. His strong hand slipped behind her neck to pull her closer.

At that moment she forgot they were marooned on a hostile world. She forgot that they would be dead within days. All she could think about was his mouth on hers, his powerful body pressed against her, and the biotic energy that thrummed through every nerve. Her hands slid down to his chest, and through the thin fabric she could feel his hard muscles and his heart pounding. This was so right…

He pulled away, breathing hard. The sense of loss made her gasp.

"No," he bit out. "This isn't right." His eyes were dark and heated, belying his words.

She stared at him, stunned, and cold doubt started to seep into her. "Why?"

"You're traumatized," he said, harshly. He shut his eyes and she could sense the battle raging within him. "You've just found out you're about to die. What kind of man would I be if I took advantage of you at such a time?"

"Who says I'm doing this because I'm traumatized?"

"You've never shown any romantic interest in me before," he said. "I don't want you to jump into this for the wrong reasons, and then resent me afterwards."

Oh. She'd never told him about Port Hanshan.

"Kaidan, do you remember that liquor-induced dream you had on Noveria?"

His eyes widened in surprise. "Yes…"

"That wasn't a dream."

He smiled then, and this time it reached his eyes. He put his arms around her and pulled her close to his chest.

She took a deep breath. "I hope I've won you over because I don't want to stand here arguing– "

He pressed his lips to hers and the words died in her mouth. He kissed her softly and slowly, with controlled heat, and then his lips came down more firmly. When his tongue slipped past her lips into her mouth, caressing her tongue, she felt liquid warmth flood through her in a heady rush. He kissed her as though he were dying of thirst, as though he couldn't get enough of her.

She tugged at his shirt, desperate to get rid of the fabric separating them, and he pulled back slightly and dragged it over his head. The flickering light outlined a beautiful expanse of olive skin, and highlighted the dusting of hair that led down to the low waistband of his pants. God, he was beautiful… and then her train of thought was lost as he began to trail kisses down the sensitive flesh of neck.

She slid her hand between their bodies and caressed his chest and stomach, feeling his muscles tense beneath her fingers. When his trail of kisses reached the low neckline of her top he stopped and looked up at her, his breathing harsh and heavy.

In the reddish light his brown eyes looked black, dark and compelling. She saw desire and need in them, and… something more. Somehow it caused raw emotions to swirl through her, leaving her breathless.

She wanted to tell him to keep going, to never stop, but words failed her. "Bed," she finally bit out.

He gave her a dark and velvety smile that turned her knees to water. "Yes, Ma'am." His low voice, roughened with desire, sent a delicious shiver running through her.

He lay back and gently pulled her on top of him. Heat flared through her as she felt the hard muscles in his chest and stomach and… ahh… the rest of him.

She closed her eyes and felt his strong hands roam her body. At first his touch was chaste, tracing a slow path from her hips to her waist. She sat up and moved her hips against him in a slow circle, savouring the feel of his thick length pressed against her.

"God… Shepard," he growled, clutching her hips. "You have no idea what you're doing to me."

There were no more chaste caresses. His hands slid upward to skim over her breasts. She moaned and grabbed the hem of her tank, and then felt his warm hands slide it up and off. She opened her eyes to find him watching her, his dark eyes gleaming in the dim light as he drank in the sight of her. The raw lust in their dark depths made her tingle.

He pulled her down to him, bringing her breasts to his mouth. Fire surged from the contact of his lips, sending her blood racing, and she arched upwards with a moan. She could feel their biotic energies duelling, wild and fierce, causing his touch to feel increasingly hot on her skin. His charged fingers left a searing, tingling trail in their wake – something she had never felt before – and she dazedly wondered if her touch felt the same to him.

They shed the rest of their clothes, and his mouth returned to her breasts while his hand slid down, down between her thighs, and she was lost. Her world exploded into a haze of light, and just when it began to subside she felt him trailing kisses down her stomach, then lower, and… oh God.

Time lost all meaning, and everything was heat and friction, swirling need, and hard, hot flesh. When he finally rose over her and their bodies melded into one, she shuddered and clawed his back. Beneath her fingers she felt his powerful muscles tremble as he forced himself to hold still. Their gazes locked. There was so much power in him, simmering beneath the surface, held in check by his steadfast self-control. She longed to see his passion loosed.  
"Don't hold back," she whispered. "Please, Kaidan. Make me feel alive."

He kissed her in answer, a silent promise, and from that moment there was nothing in her universe but pure sensation, pulsing electricity and heat spearing into her. It wasn't until a blue film started to spread across her vision that she realised her biotic energy was escaping her control, and she screwed her eyes shut and tried to focus.

"Easy, Shepard," she heard Kaidan say, through the haze of sensation. "I have you. Just let go, _agapi mou_. It will be all right."

So she did, and it was. She let the warm river of energy wash over her, and the final vestiges of conscious thought took wing. How she could be so near death and yet feel so alive, she didn't know – but so it was.

When they finally collapsed together, sweat-soaked and sated, Kaidan gently kissed her neck and whispered softly to her. She didn't know what his words meant but it didn't matter. All that mattered was that the words were tender and loving, and meant for her.

For the first time since Torfan, she felt at peace. She snuggled into Kaidan's warmth and closed her eyes.


	23. Chapter 23 Where we belong

Shepard awoke with a start as the thundering roar of an engine shook the hut. She and Kaidan threw on their clothes, grabbed their pistols and ran to the window.

A small, short-range frigate was landing just a few metres away. It wasn't an Alliance vessel. Shepard armed her pistol and held her breath.

As they watched, the frigate's side door opened and a familiar figure stepped out. Someone who wasn't meant to be alive.

Shepard threw open the door, ran to Garrus and gave him a bear hug. She couldn't speak, could hardly breathe. Kaidan wrung Garrus' clawed hand, and gave the turian such enthusiastic pats on the back that Garrus coughed.

"Take it easy, you two," he said, chuckling.

"We thought you were dead, buddy," Kaidan said. He stepped back and cast a critical medic's eye over Garrus. "Are you hurt?"

"I'm healing up." Garrus gingerly rubbed the right side of his head, which was roughened and discoloured. "Still, if I take one more hit to the head I'll probably need a skin graft. My scales are barely hanging on."

"I should berate you for taking your helmet off in the Mako, but I'm just too happy to see you," Shepard said, her voice cracking. "Where's the Normandy?"

"Outside Zhu's Hope. This is their frigate. Do you want to go now?"

"Hell yeah."

They climbed aboard and Garrus took the wheel. "Where's your armour?" he asked as he started the engine.

"Alas," Shepard said, "it took one too many hits and has gone to that big armour factory in the sky."

Garrus looked puzzled. "The Elkoss Combine factory on Talis Fia?"

"Er, not exactly." She saw the corner of Kaidan's mouth quirk up. "Let's just say I don't want it anymore." She leaned back in her seat and suddenly realised how exhausted she was. "So how did you survive?"

"Honestly? Because you told me to duck."

"Are you serious?" Kaidan said, incredulous. "You just _ducked_? That's it?"

"Pretty much. The missile broke through the air intake, passed through the space where my head had been and then blasted out the back of the Mako. Everything from the rear doors back was blown to pieces, but the front half stayed mostly whole. I got some burns to my face and broke my wrist, and my damn shoulder dislocated again, but nothing worse than that. I contacted Zhu's Hope and they sent help right away. The medic threw a tantrum and refused to see me, so Dr Chakwas patched me up."

"What about the geth trooper?" Shepard asked.

"Oh, I had to kill him, obviously. I took a pot shot around the side of the driver's door, he never saw it coming."

"And Saren?"

"No fresh leads. The real question is, what happened to you guys? We searched for days but all we found was blood and wreckage."

Shepard bit back a yawn. "It's a long story. I was unconscious most of the time, so Alenko should tell it." She looked pointedly at Kaidan. "There's no need to wax lyrical on how much I drooled and snored, OK? When you have a bacterial traffic jam in your sinuses, snoring is par for the course."

"Don't worry, I'll leave that part out." Out of Garrus' line of sight, Kaidan threaded his fingers through hers. She leaned back and shut her eyes, hardly able to believe where they were. Safe. Alive.

* * *

Dr Chakwas had made it clear she didn't like her med bay being turned into a temporary conference room, but Shepard had refused to be examined without meeting with her officers first. Chakwas said health first, debriefing later. Shepard said over my dead body, Chakwas said it might come to that, and finally a reluctant compromise was reached.

The med bay was only just large enough to hold them all. Kaidan, squashed uncomfortably between Wrex and Tali, wished Shepard hadn't been so impatient. The room became hotter and stuffier as the meeting went on, though Shepard didn't seem to notice. She gave orders for the Alliance to send a squad to rescue the colonists, detailing the situation with her characteristic thoroughness. Kaidan, who could feel a dent forming in his leg from Wrex's pointed tail, was glad at least that Shepard wouldn't be performing the rescue herself.

"That's all guys," she finally said. "Dismissed. Oh, except for Williams and Alenko."

Ash and Kaidan approached the bed, where Shepard was fidgeting, anxious to be up and about. Dr Chakwas, who had been examining the Commander's leg, gave up in despair and went to the adjoining lab.

"Ash," Shepard said, "despite all of Pressly's virtues, you're better at reading people than he is. I want to get a sense of where the crew's at, and I want Kaidan to hear it as well."

Ashley looked thoughtful. "Everybody has been stressed. We didn't know whether you were alive or dead and we didn't know what was going to happen to us. Pressly copped a lot of heat from the Alliance brass – they wanted him to abandon the search and reinstate Captain Anderson. Pressly did a great job of stalling but we knew he couldn't keep it up forever.

"Not that we don't like Captain Anderson," she added, hastily. "We just didn't want to give up on you."

"It sounds as though it's been rough for you all," Shepard reflected. "I'll let everyone have a day off at the Citadel while I re-stock the armoury. That should help morale."

"Joker needs a day off more than anyone," Ash went on. "He's been a bit distraught. He doesn't cope well with being grounded, and I think he was more worried about you two than he'd care to admit."

Kaidan was surprised. "I've never seen Joker distraught. He's always so cavalier."

"Not lately. He's been cooping himself up with his omni-tool, causing havoc on the extranet." Ash looked around to make sure Dr Chakwas was out of earshot. "This morning he decided to hack into a hanar government site so he could replace their religious texts with his own version of events."

Shepard sat up. "Ash! If that were traced…"

"I didn't have the authority to stop him, Commander, and I was reluctant to tell Pressly. I didn't want Joker to get into trouble."

"I'll see Joker right now." Shepard made to get off the bed but Chakwas came back in and stopped her.

"Not yet, Commander. I need to take one more scan. The others were blurry because you were fidgeting."

Kaidan activated his replacement omni-tool chip. "Let's look at the hanar site," he offered. "Maybe Joker didn't manage to breach the security." He found the religious doctrine page, maximised the screen and they all read it.

_'The First Enkindler complained about being alone, and this whining angered the mighty Shep-Hard, Goddess of Head Butting. Shep-Hard's wrath was terrible, and she turned the First into a spaghetti noodle because noodles don't complain. However, Alenk-Ho, the God of Eating Too Fast, took pity on the First. Alenk-Ho created a second Enkindler to end the First's suffering and solitude, and also to provide sexy times._

_'"Are you happy now, ye foolish Enkindlers?" Alenk-Ho asked of the First and its new mate. However, both being noodles, they spake not a lot. Alenk-Ho was wroth with their silence, and verily he blasted them into little bits…'_

"Oh crap," Shepard groaned. "Ash, find Joker and tell him I said to change it back right now."

"Aye-aye Ma'am." Ash was out the door in a flash.

"Am I good to go?" Shepard asked Chakwas. "Clean bill of heath?"

"Yes, although if you'd kept still I would have been done a lot quicker."

"Sorry about that." Shepard slid off the bed and stretched. "Lieutenant, a word in my office?"

He had been expecting this. He followed her to the captain's office and moved to close the door behind them, but she stopped him.

"Leave it open," she said. "I want to be still for a moment and just listen."

From the open doorway he could hear the soft, low hum of the engine, the happy chatter of nearby crew, the swish and click of the doors. The air was cool and clean.

"I'm just drinking it in," Shepard said, blissfully. "No more warm, stale air from too many people. No more children crying, or sweaty, smelly colonists."

"No more colonial clothing, either," he remarked. "It's good to see you in civvies again."

She smiled. "Right back at you. You always did look good in civvies." She flushed and looked away, and then silently went to the door and closed it. She turned and looked at him, and the atmosphere grew tense. Kaidan didn't know what to say. What did you say after you'd fallen into bed with your commanding officer?

"I just wanted to say..." she swallowed hard. "We have, er, got a new assignment, another Cerberus operation. We can expect to encounter experimental subjects – husks and the like – and I don't expect it will be easy."

This was unwelcome news. While Kaidan felt fit and confident that he was up to the challenge, he suspected Shepard wasn't. He'd noticed that her slight limp had vanished the instant she had set foot on the Normandy.

"I know Chakwas gave you a clean bill of health," he said carefully, "but can't you wait a bit longer before accepting a combat-heavy assignment?"

"I'll be fine," she assured him. "I'm not as fit as I was, but a few hearty meals and gym sessions will fix that."

He raised an eyebrow at this vastly simplistic view of physical rehabilitation, but he didn't argue the point. "I notice your limp is gone," he observed.

She looked faintly embarrassed. "It was a stiffness limp, not a pain limp. Like I said, some gym time will sort me out. I'll be careful on the assignment, don't worry."

His throat tightened at the thought of her cornered in a Cerberus lab, exhausted and wounded. He pushed the thought away. "I would like to be on the squad, Ma'am, if I may."

"Sure. I was going to bring you anyway."

"Great. I'll try to keep the heat off you and we can–"

She held up a hand. "There'll be time to discuss details later. For the moment I just want to relax and savour the feeling of being back on my ship, in the company of my crew instead of crazies who want to trap me."

She didn't look particularly relaxed, however. She looked uncomfortable and unsure. Would she ever mention the night before, or would she just pretend it had never happened? He wondered if he should raise the issue himself, but he didn't feel it was his place to force her to discuss it. The chain of command had blurred on Feros, but on the Normandy it was different.

"About last night," she began, and then hesitated. "We can't let anyone find out."

Not exactly a declaration of affection, but at least she had acknowledged what had happened.

"I understand," he said. "What we did... it can't change anything, Shepard. This is a good crew, the finest I've served with. I don't want to mess it up."

"We're agreed then," she said, sounding relieved. "It's for the best." She looked at the floor and began idly scuffing the carpet with her boot. "Just so you know though, I'll be tracking your shore leave."

"I was kinda hoping our shore leave would be joint."

"Done. Consider my schedule cleared." She looked up and smiled, and the look in her eyes was unmistakable. He wondered if she knew the effect that look had on him, or if she was aware that her civvies clung to her slender curves like a second skin. With an effort, he forced his thoughts away from carrying her to the bed and making love to her then and there.

"Just one more thing," she said. "I want to thank you for saving my life about a dozen times on Feros, and for getting me out of that colony. I'll be giving you a couple of special commendations to add to your resume, stellar though it already is."

"Don't give me all the credit for getting us out," he said. "It was a team effort."

"Yes, to which my contribution was bacterial incubation and periodic sneezing. I'm sure that input was invaluable."

"You kept me sane, Shepard. You gave me a reason to keep trying to find a way out, even when it seemed impossible. If it wasn't for you I might have given up."

"I doubt that, but it's nice of you to say." She smiled. "You performed above and beyond the call of duty. Well done, Sentinel." She held out her hand and he shook it. The formal gesture felt strange.

Shepard frowned. "That felt weird," she said.

"Yeah, it did." He rubbed his jaw self-consciously. "So much for not letting last night change anything."

"It _doesn't_ change anything," she said. "Not when we're in public, anyway." She looked at him with her wide, clear eyes, speculatively. "I'm starting to wonder though, is there any point in maintaining the charade when we're alone?" She moved closer until she was just inches away, close enough for him to feel the warmth of her body. "There's no surveillance in here, after all."

They were both silent then, gazing at each other. It was a tense moment of decision, a moment when common sense warred with desire. A voice inside him said, _Stop this before it goes too far_.

The next moment she was in his arms, kissing him, and heat surged through his body. The kiss was electrifying, engulfing his senses. He should stop now, tell her the risk was too great, but her supple, warm body was melting against him and the taste of her was intoxicating. He wanted to kiss every inch of her, to take her to bed and lose himself in her silken, soft heat. To hell with regs.

She jerked away from him, breathing heavily. "God, I'm sorry," she gasped. "I can't do this to you."

Kaidan's heart was pounding in his chest. "It takes two to tango," he heard himself say. Where was that iron-clad self-control he had always prided himself on? Shepard, with her passionate and impetuous nature, made a man lose his head.

"Kaidan, you're the one who'd come off worst if we were caught," she told him. "You don't have spectre status protecting you."

He could still see the hunger burning in her eyes, and he knew he could win her over if he tried. However, he also knew she was right.

The intercom buzzed. "Commander, Navigator Pressly has requested to see you on the Command Deck."

"I'll be right there."

She turned back to Kaidan. "I have to go." Her gaze flicked down to below his belt. "You can stay here for a couple of minutes if you like."

He knew what she was too tactful to say. "Don't worry, Ma'am, I won't walk out in this state." He took a seat at the table with a sigh. "We don't want people getting the wrong idea."

"More like the right idea." She smoothed her dishevelled hair and opened the door.

"True." Kaidan rested his head on his arms and prepared to have a long, hard think about bathroom mould, tax returns and female krogan.

"Hey," Shepard called back through the open doorway. He looked up. "So, Alenko, there's no such thing as a silent beacon, eh?"

He dropped his forehead back onto his arms. _Smartass_.


	24. Chapter 24 Ash, the romantic

An easy assignment would have been nice. Preferably on a warm, sunny planet where the most dangerous organisms were butterflies. 

Instead, it was another damned Cerberus assignment. Shepard wasn't looking forward to it. Her first instinct had been to take her primary team of Kaidan and Garrus, but she didn't want any of her alien crew members to see humanity at its worst. Better to take Ashley and Kaidan. 

Shepard started unpacking the latest delivery from the Citadel, unveiling a gleaming array of firearms and body armour. She smiled in satisfaction. 

"Now there's a beautiful sight," Ashley said, sighing happily. "It even has that new armour smell." 

"Enjoy it while it lasts." Shepard passed a new set of heavy armour to Ash, who took it as though it weighed no more than a fish stick. 

"Are you sure you're recovered enough for combat, Commander?" the Chief asked.

"My fitness isn't optimal but I'm not going to let that stop me."

"It's amazing that you're up and about after the fall and the fever." Ashley unfolded her armour and ran a hand over the shining expanse. "The LT must have taken good care of you."

"He did. If it wasn't for him I wouldn't be standing here."

Ash looked at her sidelong. "You two must have gotten pretty friendly on Feros. The question is, was it just friendly, or was it very, very friendly?" She gave an extravagant wink.

Shepard felt her cheeks going hot. Hell, why couldn't she have Kaidan's complexion?

Ashley's jaw dropped. "I was just kidding!" she blurted. Her voice dropped to a conspiratorial whisper. "I didn't think you had actually… you know."

"We thought we were going to die," Shepard protested. "Our emotions were in turmoil and it just… happened. It doesn't mean anything. Well, aside from the fact that he and I are going to have a shore leave that's 'very friendly', as you put it."

Ashley raised an eyebrow. "Does the LT know it doesn't mean anything?"

"Of course. He told me so."

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely. He said he didn't want that night to change anything, and said the Normandy crew was the best he'd served with and he didn't want to mess it up."

Ash rolled her eyes in exasperation. "That doesn't mean he's not crazy about you, it just means he wants to keep your relationship separate from work. The guy has adored you from day one."

Shepard hadn't considered this. It was an unsettling thought.

Ash frowned. "Judging by your silence, you're not thrilled by what I just said."

"I'm just hoping you're wrong." Shepard began filling an ammo pack with shotgun shells, feeling worried. "If he wants more from me than I'm able to give, I could lose him as a friend. He means a lot to me, I don't want to hurt him."

"You're not the commitment type, I take it?"

"I'm N7 and a spectre – the Alliance and the Council own me," Shepard explained. "Kaidan must know that a long-term relationship is out of the question. Spectre missions can last an Earth year or more and, depending on the location and classification, communications could be barred as well."

Shit. She shouldn't have slept with him. She shouldn't even have kissed him, but he was so damned gorgeous and sincere.

"You wouldn't be the first couple to have a long-distance relationship," Ash pointed out, encouragingly. "My parents were apart for a while early in their relationship, and look how they ended up: happily married with three kids." 

"Kids?" Shepard was alarmed. "Who said anything about kids? My life plan is to serve on the front line for as long as I'm physically able, or until I check into the Body Bag Hotel." 

Ash sighed. "Settling down and having kids might not be so terrible. Don't you ever feel clucky?" 

"Sure, sometimes. Whenever I get that feeling I put 10 pounds of diving weights around my waist, squirt my favourite rug with ketchup, and spend a night getting out of bed every hour to transfer 500 credits to a diaper manufacturer." 

"Come on, it can't be that bad." 

"Sure it is. Each credit transfer requires a retina scan, it's a pain in the ass." 

Ashley groaned. "You know what I mean. Anyway, if your life plan is to roam the galaxy alone and die in a blaze of glory, that's your prerogative – but you need to tell the LT." 

Ash was right, of course; it was foolish to simply assume Kaidan understood everything. Shepard supposed she had gotten into the habit of it, as he tended to pick up on her feelings and motives without being told. The guy probably knew her better than she knew herself. 

_Yeah, he's perceptive, but he's not a mind-reader_, she told herself. _You need to tell him you can't stay with him_. 

That thought gave her pause. Shepard hadn't considered what her life would be like without Kaidan in it. The future suddenly seemed empty and bleak, an endless bloody merry-go-round of kill or be killed. It had never seemed that way before. 

It couldn't be helped, however. When she became a spectre she became a representative for the entire human race. A responsibility of that magnitude was more important than her personal life. 

She couldn't bear to lose Kaidan yet though. She needed his calming influence, his quiet understanding. The peace he gave her felt like a soothing balm on her scarred, restless soul. 

And God, she wanted him. She couldn't forget the way his lips had felt against hers, the delicious fire of his touch on her bare skin, the simmering power of him, over and around and within. If she could spend just a few days alone with Kaidan on shore leave, maybe that would be enough. Then, when she returned to her emotionless military existence, she'd have the memories to nourish her soul. 

That would be the plan, she decided. A few passion-filled days on shore leave before a fond farewell. Kaidan would understand, he would know her career must come first. He was a career man himself. The Chief was an incurable romantic, it was understandable she'd look for happily-ever-afters in the most unlikely of situations. 

"All this talk of commitment is crazy," Shepard said, decisively. "We're blowing this out of proportion. If Kaidan had wanted to get serious he would have mentioned it by now. If I call him to my office and grandly announce I can't have his babies, he'll think I'm insane." 

"We girls do have a tendency to over-analyse things," Ash conceded, but she didn't sound convinced. In fact, she looked positively miserable. Shepard leaned over and gave the Chief's arm an encouraging rub. 

"Don't look so sad Ash, nobody has died." 

"I had just hoped you two would end up together," Ash confessed. She managed a rueful smile. "I guess I watch too many romantic vids." 

"I don't do that whole love thing. I don't know how." 

"It's not something you learn, it just happens," Ash said with conviction. 

Shepard knew there was no point in arguing. "I'll talk to Kaidan after the assignment, Ash. He'll understand, you'll see."


	25. Chapter 25 Taking on Cerberus

Kaidan slammed the door so hard that a hydraulic line broke free and splattered him with blue fluid. Shepard and Ashley put their backs to the wall, their guns trained on the door to the next room. The trio held their breath, listening for signs of hostiles, but there was no sound save the hiss of acidic water dripping off their armour onto the metal floor. The broken door control sputtered and fizzled; Shepard had been forced to blast it from the outside. It wasn't a smart idea to fiddle with a lock in an acidic thunderstorm. 

"Same drill as before," Shepard instructed. "I'll sneak into the observation room and disable the containment field while you two wait by the door." Wisps of vapour drifted up from her wet shotgun barrel. She tried to wipe it clean with her gloved hands, but rivulets of corrosive water ran down her sleeves and soaked her gloves. 

"Do you think this plan will work a third time?" Kaidan asked. He dug around in his pockets and found an oily rag. He tore it and gave pieces to Shepard and Ash, and they all dried their guns as best they could. 

"There is a chance everything could go pear-shaped," Shepard admitted. "That's why you and Ash will be ready to cover my retreat. 

"This time, let's not kill everyone," she added. "I have some questions that need answering." 

She stowed her heavy shotgun – her favourite firearm – and retrieved a lightweight pistol. The significance of this wasn't lost on Kaidan. 

"You're tired, Ma'am. I should be the one to go in." 

"No. Stay here." Shepard inched her way to the door, hugging the wall, and then disappeared from view. 

Kaidan saw Ash staring at him with eyes like saucers. For a moment he thought his suit might be melting, but then he realised what had shocked the Chief: he had disputed an order from his commanding officer. 

He grimaced. He shouldn't have spoken out. Still, as misdemeanours went it was fairly minor. There were far worse transgressions, such as, oh… fraternisation. 

Hell. What was he going to do next? Start punching admirals? 

He took up his position next to Ash. "Shepard's not at full strength," he explained. "I'm just trying to keep her alive." He risked a look into the observation room. In the space of a heartbeat his trained eye took in five scientists, six commandos, a containment field and very little cover. He couldn't see Shepard. Dammit, where was she? 

"Don't stress," Ash soothed. "She's not made of glass." 

They were silent then, listening to the calm murmurs of the scientists. Kaidan wished, not for the first time, that Garrus was there instead of Ashley. Kaidan and Garrus worked in perfect tandem, a result of countless hours on the field together. Ash was an excellent soldier and a good friend, but Kaidan had had little field time with her. 

In fact, he realised, the Cerberus assignments were the only time Shepard had paired him with Ashley. He wondered why. Perhaps Shepard had thought an all-human squad would provide better negotiating power with the Cerberus operatives. If that had been the case she was sorely mistaken. 

The hush suddenly exploded into a cacophony of gunfire and sharp cries. Shepard ran through the doorway, nearly bowling Ashley over in the process, and shut the door behind her. 

"Rachni workers," Shepard gasped, leaning on the door. 

"No rachni soldiers?" 

"None that I could see." 

They waited and listened. At the previous two labs the plan had gone like clockwork: turn the field off, wait a few minutes for the hostiles to kill each other, then pick off the survivors. 

This time, however, the sounds of battle quickly subsided, replaced by an eerie silence. Kaidan looked at Shepard, who was watching her scanner, frowning. 

"Those bastards have switched the containment field back on," she said. "They're clustered in front of this door, waiting to mow us down." 

"Dammit," Ashley whispered. "What do we do now?" 

"Both of you move well back and get behind cover," Shepard said. "I'll take the edge off them. Follow me in when I've kicked down the door." 

Kaidan stepped back. "Yes, Ma'am." 

What was going on? Why did she want to kick down the door? What made her think she was _capable_ of kicking down a steel door? And how did she plan to 'take the edge off' a score of commandos by herself?

From his protected vantage point Kaidan watched Shepard retrieve a grenade from her belt and pull the pin with the ease of long practice. However, instead of opening the door and lobbing the grenade, she simply stood there, holding it. 

With a start, Kaidan realised she was waiting for the fuse to burn down so the commandos wouldn't have time to escape the explosion. 

He felt beads of sweat break out on his forehead as he watched her silently count the seconds. After what seemed an eternity, she opened the door a couple of inches, threw the grenade through the gap and let the door slide shut. 

There was a deafening blast and the door shuddered and came loose from its tracks. Shepard kicked it down and ran inside, and Kaidan followed her with Ash hot on his heels. 

Inside there was chaos – swirling smoke, fire and maimed bodies. The floor was slick with blood, making footing treacherous. 

The survivors were scattered and in disarray, and he realised they were mostly scientists, not trained commandos. They didn't hesitate to open fire on him, however, and he was forced to kill one of them before lifting another. 

Shepard and Ashley dispatched the remaining scientists and came to stand beside him, watching the floating man. Kaidan noted that Shepard was pale and streaked with blood, but otherwise unharmed. 

"Drop him," she said. Kaidan released the field and the man fell to the floor. He got to his knees and put his hands behind his head, glaring at his captors with cold ferocity. 

"You're fools," he spat. "You've destroyed valuable research designed to protect humanity's interests. You're traitors to your race." 

"Traitors, are we?" Shepard said, coolly. "We're not the ones turning innocent colonists into husks. We were there on Chasca, we saw your handiwork." 

Kaidan remembered Chasca, though he wished he didn't. In his mind's eye he could see the rolling green hills, the crystal-clear skies, and the dragon's teeth glittering in the sunlight, beautiful and sick like doomed Benezia. Shepard had used incendiaries on the husks, and the smell of seared blue flesh and burning circuitry was a stench he'd never forget. 

"We have no plans to continue transforming colonists," the man insisted. "We always planned to stop after the third colony outpost was transformed." 

Shepard stepped closer and pressed the muzzle of her shotgun to his temple. 

"You can't expect us to believe you were going to stop making husks," she growled. "I should shoot you right now." 

"All right, all right," the man gasped. "We were going to keep making husks, but not from colonists, I swear. We were planning to use cheap prisoners from Purgatory, and older slaves who had become mentally impaired. People like that are no good for anything else." 

Ashley turned pale at this cold admission. "I have never felt so ashamed of the human race as I do now," she murmured. Kaidan, feeling sick with disgust, was glad at least that Garrus wasn't there. 

He turned away from the scientist and surveyed the centre of the room through the containment field. Something captured his eye amongst the rachni workers, something distinctly human shaped. If he didn't know better, he'd say the man was wearing an Alliance uniform. He moved slightly away from the group to get a better look. A rachni soldier tracked his movements, but didn't impede his line of sight. Through the haze of the containment field, he recognized who it was. 

"Oh hell," Shepard said, bleakly. Her arms dropped to her sides. 

"Just how well connected is this Cerberus organisation?" Ashley wondered. "I didn't think it was possible to find an Alliance admiral who didn't want to be found." 

"I thought Kohoku was just being paranoid," Shepard said. "I had no idea Cerberus had the resources to track him down, but _he_ knew all right and he still helped us." 

She bowed her head and rubbed her forehead wearily. The scientist took this as his cue to creep away, but he had barely moved before Shepard planted her booted foot in front of him, blocking his path. He froze. 

"Why did you kill Kohoku?" she yelled. 

"You know why," the scientist said. "Humanity isn't ready to know the truth about what we're doing, even though it's for their own good." 

"It would do humanity more good if I killed you," Shepard grated, "but today's your lucky day. I'm going to arrest you, kill the rachni, and then you'll face trial." She hauled him to his feat, grasped his wrists and retrieved a zip tie from her belt. "I'm warning you," she said, "I won't hesitate to knock you out if you give me any trouble." 

"No! Don't kill the rachni!" the scientist cried. He began to struggle. 

"That," Shepard said, "qualifies as trouble." She felled him with a solid right hook, and went to the controls to disable the field. 

Out of the corner of his eye, Kaidan saw the prisoner drag himself up onto his hands and knees. "Don't kill the rachni," the man croaked. "They're too valuable." 

Shepard ignored him, disabled the field and the trio began to pick off the crazed, acid-spitting workers. Kaidan killed two in quick succession, and then nearly shot the scientist when the man threw himself upon the last surviving worker. 

"Don't kill it!" he wailed. "It's out of venom, it's helpless." He gasped as the rachni's acid started to burn his skin. 

"Get off it, you fool!" Shepard shouted. "If it was out of venom it wouldn't be burning you." 

The man clung on stubbornly for a few moments longer and then, with a howl of pain, he rolled off. In a heartbeat the rachni turned and spat a lethal dose of acid in the man's face before slumping to the floor, riddled with bullets. 

"Looks like there won't be a trial after all," Ashley said, resignedly. 

Shepard holstered her pistol. "What a mess." 

"We came out of it unscathed, at least," Kaidan said. 

It wasn't until they went to access the data terminal that he noticed Shepard's limp had returned, and the bloodstain on her thigh had grown larger.


	26. Chapter 26 Stay

"I've wanted to get you into my bed for ages," Shepard drawled, stuffing another pillow behind her head. "Finally, that day has arrived."

"I'm sitting _on_the bed, not in it." Kaidan flipped the top on his med kit. "Please keep your leg still, Ma'am."

Shepard felt the cooling touch of medi-gel on her wound, numbing the pain. She closed her eyes and gave a contented sigh.

"Is hiding from Dr Chakwas going to become a habit for you, Commander?" Kaidan inquired. "If I'd known you were avoiding her I wouldn't have waited until today to treat your leg."

"I was worried that if Chakwas saw my leg she might declare me unfit for combat." Shepard shuddered at the thought. "I know you'd never do that."

"I might." He began wrapping a bandage around her thigh. "Never say never."

"Oh? Should I be worried?"

"Not in this case; you're healing fine. I'll strap your leg securely so the wound won't split again… provided you don't kick down any more doors."

"So what kind of ailment would force you to report me as being 'unfit for combat'? I suppose insanity would be a no-brainer. Eh? Get it?"

He didn't rise to this. It was the second time she had tried to get a smile from him, and failed. She wondered what was wrong.

"Some people might think your fighting style verges on the insane," he observed. "Just yesterday you counted down a grenade."

"Bah, that's not insanity," she scoffed. "Look at Captain Hallan, he went completely nuts last year. He thought he was a carrot."

"True, that is pretty crazy. Still, carrots don't blow themselves up."

"Neither did I. It was never going to happen." _Well, probably never_.

"If it was 'never going to happen'," he said evenly, "why did you order us to get behind cover?"

"So you wouldn't be demoralised by the awesomeness of my door-smashing kick."

He turned to face her. "I'm being serious."

"So am I. It was a massive roundhouse that would have taken both your heads clean off."

He raised a dark eyebrow and said nothing. Shepard threw her hands out in exasperation. "There was a small chance the fuse would be faulty, or that I'd misjudge it, OK?" she said. "I don't like sharing risks. If there's a risk to be taken, I want to be the one to do it."

"So I've noticed," he murmured, almost to himself. He fastened the last of the tapes, stood up and looked at his handiwork. "Is it too tight?"

Shepard got up and took a few experimental steps. "That's perfect. No pain at all."

She sat back on the bed and watched him as he repacked his med kit.

"You seem a bit subdued today," she ventured. "Is something wrong?"

"No. Not really." He stood up and rubbed the back of his neck, watching her with his coffee-brown eyes. "I should go."

"Stay a few minutes more," she urged. "It won't raise any suspicions, not if you walk out calmly with your med supplies like a dutiful medic. If you ran out and yelled 'Score!' and high-fived everyone, that would be a different story."

He smiled in spite of himself, and she took his hand and pulled him to the bed. "Pretend this is a couch. Lie down and tell Dr Shepard your woes."

He sat on the edge and stared at the floor, looking self-conscious. "I have heard," he said, "that psychiatrists usually conduct their interviews while wearing clothes."

She looked down at her plain, military-issue tank top and underwear. "I _am_wearing clothes."

"You're not wearing pants…"

Shepard suppressed a smile. "Did you expect me to leave my trousers on while you treated me?" she asked. "What was I supposed to do, puncture the side pocket and make you perform keyhole surgery?"

"Of course not, I just… I thought we were going to maintain a professional distance."

Their eyes met. The heat in his gaze was unmistakable; keeping a professional distance was the last thing he wanted. For a brief, wild moment Shepard considered pushing him back onto the bed and starting shore leave early, but she decided she had better not. Instead, she sat next to him and gave him a reassuring smile.

"There's no need for professional distance in my office," she assured him. "Now then – aside from my state of undress, what's bothering you?"

"Nothing dramatic." He breathed out roughly. "It's just been too long since we've had a lead on Saren. We coast around the galaxy, killing time with mercenary assignments, and every day we lose is a day Saren gains. Everyone is feeling on edge – the officers, I mean."

She nodded. "By the time we find Saren, we may well be sticking our heads in a trap. Still, if we're alert…"

"We're fighting this battle _alone_, Shepard," he said. "I don't know if you've thought about what that means. If we had the Council on our side we might have a fighting chance, but they don't want to see what's coming. You're running risks like there's no tomorrow, when the fact is you're our only trump card." His gaze sought hers, and the worry in his eyes made her throat tighten.

"The Normandy is our trump card, not me." She put her hand over his. "As to my risk taking, well… the Alliance chose me because I get results no matter what. The 'no matter what' part usually involves dicing with death." She gave a wry smile. "You have chosen the absolute worst person in the galaxy to be the recipient of your protective instincts."

He groaned and flopped back on the bed. "I know."

She lay beside him and they were silent for a while, thinking about the threat that waited on the edges of dark space, soulless and terrible.

"What's morale like?" she asked, finally. "The officers, I mean."

"We're not strung out, if that's what you're thinking," he said. "We're uneasy, yes, but we're focussed and ready for whatever comes."

"I can't promise we'll win," she told him. "I can say this though: I have never yet failed to achieve a mission objective. I rarely get the job done in perfect textbook style, I admit, but I get it done."

"Textbooks are overrated, Ma'am," he said, with conviction. "No textbook can tell you how to think on your feet." He threaded his fingers through hers. "There's no textbook entry on how to fight reapers, either."

She gave him a fierce grin. "There will be when we're done with them."

He gave one of his rare laughs, a husky chuckle that could make a woman melt like warm ice-cream. Shepard swallowed hard and forced herself to silently repeat the words 'professional distance' several times.

"One thing I'm unsure about," she confessed, "is whether I was right to keep the rank-and-file in the dark. Every day I do the rounds and talk to them, make sure they feel valued, but I haven't told them what's really happening. I will have to ask a lot from them before we're done, one way or another. Maybe they deserve to know."

"It's too soon to leak word of the reapers," Kaidan reassured her. "You are right to wait."

Shepard was suddenly tired of talking about the mission. She rolled onto her side to face him, propped herself up on one elbow, and traced her fingers along his chest. She loved the feel of his solid muscles beneath her hands, the strong drumming of his heartbeat, the quiet, steady hum of his biotics. His warm energy swirled with her own and lapped over her in soothing waves.

He put his hand gently over her wrist, stilling her hand.

"Shepard, we shouldn't–"

"Hey, what's a little canoodling between friends? It'll do us both good."

She shouldn't have said that. She'd had every intention of _not _asking him to get touchy-feely in her office, ever.

But all her stress and doubts were melting away because he was so close, and oh, she wanted them gone – if only for a short while. The longer she had to wait for news of Saren, the more unsettled she became, and the prothean message in her brain only added to her sense of foreboding. It wasn't so bad when she was busy, but when she was in bed the alien words and images swirled and clashed in her mind, anguished and insistent. They urged her to act but didn't tell her how.

All in all, she told herself, nobody could blame her for wanting a pleasant distraction.

Her pleasant distraction hesitated, torn. She felt his heart racing beneath her palm. "People might suspect…" he faltered.

She doubted it, but decided not to argue. "Yeah, I guess it's better to be safe than sorry." She sighed resignedly and pulled her hand away. "I have to prep for Virmire anyway."

She sure as hell didn't want to prep. She wanted Kaidan's mouth on hers, his muscular weight pressing her to the bed, sweat shining on his olive skin, stormy heat filling his eyes. Since she couldn't have that, she contented herself with giving him an awkward hug and a quick peck. As far as Shepard was concerned, such a pathetic pseudo-kiss should be reserved for elderly aunts. It was a crying shame to use it on the hottest sentinel to ever hypercharge an amp, but who ever said life was fair?

In the next instant her world shifted as he pulled her on top of him and kissed her. A_ real_ kiss, soft and slow and sweet. She was stunned, and then realised she was wasting time being stunned when she should be kissing him back.

What started out as being sweet, chaste kisses soon turned deep, slow and hungry. The feeling of Kaidan's tongue stroking over hers made her head spin. When he moved down her jawline and started trailing warm, nibbing kisses down her neck, she nearly moaned aloud.

"I knew," she bit out, "that you'd come around to my way of thinking."

"You have that effect on me, _agapi mou_," he whispered, his breath hot on her neck, his hands warm and strong around her waist. He came up for another deep, slow kiss, and she wondered if she wanted this to progress past mere kissing. Her brain insisted that sex had never been the plan. Her body told her brain that the no-sex plan sucked, and that it was now time for Plan B.

With every inch of Kaidan's hard body pressed against her, and his heart pounding against her breasts, Plan B was starting to sound mighty good.

Shepard grabbed the hem of his shirt and began dragging it up. If she kept things moving fast, she wouldn't give him time for second thoughts.

Her omni-tool chip chose that moment to emit a loud buzz, making them both jump. Shepard buried her face in Kaidan's shoulder and muttered a curse.

"Important message, Ma'am?"

"No, it's an alarm I set. I have to get ready for the Virmire drop."

She sat up and let out a shuddering breath. "Man, I hope we meet some hostile resistance today because right now I'm frustrated as all hell."

"They won't know what hit them, Ma'am." He reached up and stroked back the hair that had fallen over her eyes. "So do you make a habit of getting this personal with all your crew?"

She laughed. "No, no I don't." She reluctantly got up and went to her wardrobe. "I'd better get dressed. Time for my latest dice with death."

Kaidan sat up and stretched. "You know," he mused, "monopolising risks is an unusual attitude for a commander."

"Most would call it irresponsible. It probably is." She dragged on a shirt. "I just don't like delegating risks. When you delegate, you lose people. I've lost enough." She pulled on some shorts and threw open her sock drawer.

"For that reason," she continued, "I've decided I may be better suited to being a lone agent. When this mission is over, I'll ask the Alliance if I can accept a long-term Spectre mission and disappear into the Terminus systems for a few years. Infiltrate a slaver ring or two, that sort of thing."

He blinked, looking stunned. "Are you serious?"

"Absolutely. I think I'd be damned good at it."

"Where does that leave me?"

"Climbing the ladder. You'll probably outrank me by the time I return." She pulled on a shirt. "I'll miss you." _You have no idea how much, Kaidan._"Still, I'm a big girl, I'll deal."

"I can't believe I'm hearing this," he said, with a flash of rare anger. "Were you planning to just use me and leave?" The pain in his eyes made her heart give a little twist.

"No! It's not like that," she protested. "It's just… you know how hard it is to have a relationship at this level of command. It's even harder for me – I'm N7 and a spectre."

"You're not even going to bother to try?" His gaze swept over her face, searching her eyes.

"Kaidan, think back to how your last couple of relationships ended. I'm willing to bet it's because your career always came first."

She could see by his expression that she had guessed correctly.

"You're right," he admitted, "but this time it's different."

"What makes it different?"

"You."

They looked at each other for a long moment. "You don't mean that," Shepard faltered, her stomach knotting. "You don't know what you're saying." She tried to recapture that calm certainty she'd felt when explaining herself to Ashley, but it had deserted her.

"You might have told me you weren't interested," he said coldly, "after everything I said to you on Feros."

"I didn't have a clue what you were saying," she protested. "Alliance auto-translators only decipher alien languages, not human ones."

He looked surprised for a moment, and then gave a short, mirthless laugh. "Yeah, I know they do. I just wasn't thinking straight at the time." He heaved a rough sigh. "I'll go now, Ma'am. There's nothing more that needs to be said."

"Don't say that!" Shepard cried. "Just because we don't have a future together doesn't mean we can't enjoy what we have now. The fact that time is short is all the more reason to savour it."

_ I'm not ready to lose you yet_.

"I'm not going to have a fling with you, Shepard."

"Why? Do you have a moral objection to short-term relationships?"

"Not at all. If both people know the score, it's fine."

"But you won't have one with me."

"No."

She began pacing back and forth, trying to think of a convincing argument. One look at his steely expression, however, told her it was hopeless.

"Fine," she finally said. She wasn't fine at all, and she turned away so he couldn't see it. "I'm used to being alone."

"No," he said firmly, "you're used to shutting people out. You never let anyone get close to you."

She spun around, burning with righteous anger. "That's not true!"

"Prove it," he challenged. "Tell me what happened at Torfan. It's obvious there's more to it than just a biotic overload, and it's eating you up."

Shepard flinched as dark memories stirred in a deep compartment of her brain. She tried to wall them off, but guilt and self-loathing trickled through the cracks.

"You have no right to ask me," she choked.

He looked at the floor. "Perhaps not," he said quietly, "but you should tell someone."

Barely able to push words past the constriction in her throat, she said, "At least tell me we'll stay friends. After all we've been through, I don't want to lose you as a friend."

He didn't look up. "I'll always be your friend, Shepard."

"Good," she said. "Then we can forget Feros," though she knew she couldn't, "and we'll go back to what we were," though she knew they wouldn't.

"Yes, Ma'am." His expression was closed-off, unreadable. "May I go now?"

"I… Yes."

When the door had closed behind him she slumped into a chair and put her head in her hands.

_Were you planning to just use me and leave?_

_No! It's not like that._

Wasn't it?

She looked down at the bandage on her leg. Slowly and deliberately, she unclipped the meticulously fastened straps and pulled them tighter. Then she stood and took a few steps. With every stride her leg ached as though she'd taken a bullet, making her grit her teeth against the pain.

Good.


	27. Chapter 27 Too many

Kaidan put his head in his hands. "I always had a bad feeling about Virmire," he groaned, "but I never expected us to suffer so great a loss. Where did we go wrong, Garrus?"

The turian shook his head. "I don't know," he said, miserably. "It's terrible. Shepard doesn't seem to care, either."

"The Commander has other things to worry about, I guess."

"But—"

"We have to face facts, Garrus. Shepard isn't a techie. She simply doesn't understand that it's a sacrilege to drive a high-performance vehicle through saltwater without giving it an oil wash afterwards."

The pair fell silent and looked the salt-encrusted Mako, now sitting forlornly in the shallows. Garrus ran a loving talon over its machine gun. "This is a state-of-the-art military vehicle," he said. "It doesn't deserve to be treated like this."

"I know."

"I had just _calibrated_ it."

"I know, buddy. I know."

The faint sounds of Shepard and Kirrahe arguing floated down the beach.

"The odds will be against Ash on this mission," Garrus observed, quietly. "Shepard isn't happy about letting the Chief go with the salarians."

"Ash isn't thrilled either. She said she'd gotten used to serving under Shepard."

"We all have," Garrus agreed. "Shepard is the best there is. She might take some insane risks, but when you hear a geth drop ship overhead and you know there's no backup coming, you feel damned glad she's there."

This time she wouldn't be there. Not for Ash, at least. The Chief would be fighting with the salarian STG, which was reported to be more of a spy agency than a military operation. And that wasn't the worst of it.

"Ash's squadmates are going to be forced to shoot their own friends," Kaidan told Garrus. "Those missing salarians have almost certainly been indoctrinated."

Garrus kicked a tire, causing an avalanche of sand to cascade off it. "You're right. Salarian morale will be low. And Ash won't have the confidence that comes with serving under a commander who never loses. Serving under someone else takes some getting used to."

"It's something we'll all have to get used to after the mission."

"Not me," Garrus countered. "I'm going to leave the military and become a freelancer."

Kaidan was disappointed but not surprised. Garrus had all the intelligence, military skill and leadership qualities to be an admiral or a spectre, but somehow his heart wasn't in it. Regulations annoyed him, legal constraints frustrated him, and he chafed under the Council's rule.

"I can understand that you'd want a break after all you've been through with C-Sec," he told Garrus. "What I don't understand is why Shepard wants to leave." His throat felt tight. _We _had_something. __Why __does __she __want __to __throw __it __away?_

Garrus rubbed his mandibles thoughtfully. "Maybe she just wants to get away from everything," he suggested, "like I do."

That wasn't very heartening, but Kaidan kept his expression neutral. "Whatever the reason," he said flatly, "she's made her choice and that's the end of it."

Kaidan firmly told himself that Shepard wasn't the type to settle down. He reminded himself that he was a career man, and that he and Shepard hadn't known each other very long anyway. Her decision to leave was, he told himself, probably for the best.

These arguments, sensible though they were, didn't stop him feeling like his heart had been ripped out of his chest. Why did she have this hold on him?

In his heart, he knew. In all his adult life, before he met Shepard, every human he had met had focused on the fact that he was a biotic. Even other biotics got hung up on the fact that he was an L2 – they were either wary that he was damaged goods, or were in awe.

Shepard was the first person to look past all that to see the man inside, and to make him feel like a human being rather than a walking weapon.

But that chapter of his life was closed. Courageous, resourceful, impetuous Shepard, who loved to make him laugh, was about to walk out of his life.

"It's probably for the best," he told Garrus. "My life will be a lot less chaotic when she's gone."

He looked around at the palm trees and sand, and tried to imagine that he was enjoying a quiet shore leave on an Earth beach. He could almost fool himself; the water was a clear aquamarine, the foam was feathery white, and he could taste the salt in the air. But there was no tide line – there was no moon to create one – and therefore no intertidal life. The sterile waves lapped the part of the beach over and over, in a cycle of listless monotony.

Garrus looked at Kaidan searchingly. "We're all a product of our past," he said, quietly. "Imagine that nearly everyone you've ever cared about has been killed because you couldn't protect them. Wouldn't you want to go it alone, to avoid holding any more lives in your hands?"

Shepard chose that moment to call everyone over for the mission briefing. The assault was about to start.

* * *

The fuel tank exploded, blasting Kaidan with a blistering heat. A piece of shrapnel slammed into his abdomen, causing a hot punch of agony that made him gasp. Through the haze of pain he could see a crack in his armour plating. He applied a quick smear of omni-gel along the crack, hoping that would make it last just that much longer, and then focused his attention back onto the battlefield. Shepard was pulling out cracked glass from her visor and dumping it onto the smoking concrete. Her eyes were slitted against the smoke.

His comms crackled with a transmission from Kirrahe. "Draw them out, Williams."

In the background of Kirrahe's transmission Kaidan could hear faint shouts and screams; the salarians were taking devastating losses. In his mind's eye he saw the dead and dying salarians scattered on the ground like so many discarded toys, their warm blood seeping into the concrete. Ash was in real trouble – or she would be soon.

Shepard pressed ahead, looking cool and determined – to the casual observer, at least. Kaidan could see the strain around her eyes, see her pushing herself to run faster every time a new transmission came through.

Even Garrus, always the stoic one, seemed to be affected.

"Kirrahe is a decorated soldier," the turian reminded Shepard. Garrus sounded as though he were reassuring himself as much as anyone. "The Chief is as safe with him as with you."

More geth emerged, barring their way. One of the machines levelled a rocket launcher at them.

"In other words," Shepard muttered as she slid into cover, "not very safe at all."

They huddled behind a guard rail, which creaked and shuddered as the bullets thudded into it.  
Shepard started unclipping grenades from her belt, swearing all the while.

"This is the last time I leave someone behind," she vowed.

* * *

"You want me to leave you behind to arm the bomb?" Shepard asked Kaidan, incredulous. "Let me suggest a course of action that _isn__'__t _insane: return to the Normandy with Garrus and guard our retreat while someone else arms this oversized toadstool. You've taken a hit to the abdomen – you're favouring your left side and there's a crack in the plating. If you take one more good hit to the guts it will floor you."

Kaidan stepped away from the bomb. He knew everything she said was true, but it didn't change anything.

"The only other people with the expertise to arm a jury-rigged bomb are Tali and Garrus," he explained. "Garrus is wounded and Tali is sick. Anybody else might make a mistake."

Shepard ground her teeth in frustration. He could see the mix of emotions flitting across her face – impatience, anger, concern.

Liara and Wrex silently watched this exchange, not understanding why the efficient, decisive Commander Shepard was dithering. It was unheard of.

She didn't dither for long.

"Take my energy gel," she told Kaidan, pressing the thin sachets into his hands. "Just in case."

He didn't for a moment consider taking her supply; he wasn't about to let her walk into a firestorm with no gel while he cooled his heels in an area cleared of hostiles. She was no longer an adept, but even latent biotics burned calories.

Kaidan opened his mouth to say he still had some gel in reserve – not true, but she didn't need to know that but Shepard had already turned away.

"Don't bother telling me you have some left," she called over her shoulder. "I know you don't."

After ordering soldiers to take up defensive positions around him, she ran towards the krogan breeding facility with Liara and Wrex.

Kaidan turned back to the bomb and knelt in the water to better examine the wiring. The ad-hoc explosive had no authorization codes, so it would be simple for the geth to disarm it. Fortunately, there were none in sight.

A flash of red flickered across his vision, and he barely had time to throw himself on the ground before a sniper's bullet ricocheted off the concrete wall behind him, splattering him with pieces of concrete and dust.

He dragged himself to his feet and drew his pistol. A geth sniper fell from the ledge above, killed by a bullet from one of the Normandy crew.

Kaidan quickly positioned himself in front of the bomb as more geth came over the top of the causeway – too many to be taken down by conventional weapons. Kaidan's senses sharpened and his heart beat faster as his survival instincts kicked in. Dark energy rippled through every nerve in his body, boosted by his amp to blistering levels. This was the work he was made for.

He created a huge anti-grav envelope around the machines. The geth rose and flailed in the air, struggling in vain to find a foothold while the crew picked them off. More machines rushed into the fray, and he reached out and warped the fabric of space-time to create another rippling field.

The super-charged rush from the Savant amp was incredible – a massive surge of heated dark energy singing in his blood. He knew he had never before created such powerful mass effect fields, nor so many.

Unfortunately, like a high-rolling gambler placing massive bets, he knew he would soon be bled dry. Already the ground seemed to pitch and roll under him as his brain struggled to cope with forces it hadn't evolved to withstand.

Somehow he clung to consciousness, and when the last airborne geth fell he let the field drop and sank to his knees in the water, gasping for air. The cold seeped through his armour, soothing his fevered skin as he fumbled for the energy gel. His hands were shaking so much he couldn't open the sachets, and had to tear the packets open with his teeth.

He had just swallowed the last dose when the quiet was shattered by the roar of an engine that was not the Normandy's. The sunlight was blotted out as an enormous drop ship passed overhead, releasing dozens of geth. Kaidan's limbs felt like lead but somehow he got to his feet and created a barrier. As the first squad of geth appeared, he hurled them over the edge of the building.

The comms crackled. "Geth drop ship headed your way," Ash warned.

"It's already here," he bit out. It was an effort to speak.

In the next instant a rocket-propelled grenade slammed into his barrier with the force of a cargo carrier. His biotic field muffled the sound waves, making it sound to his ears as though he were in an underground bunker, listening to a nuclear war raging outside. More rockets blasted into the barrier, and he stumbled and fell to his knees.

_God __help __me,_ he thought. _I __can__'__t __keep __this __up_.

The bomb would be in the geth's possession within minutes. He would be captured for indoctrination, or killed. And Shepard–

_When __you __delegate __risks, __you __lose __people. __I__'__ve __lost __enough_.

Shepard would risk everything trying to rescue him.

His eyes lit on the bomb.


	28. Chapter 28 Discovery

The sky had turned a heavy greenish grey, and the lighting was starting to draw closer. Liara kept looking nervously at the clouds as if she expected lighting to strike her at any moment.

"Commander... this is rather a bad time... to be running around... with a large krogan cracking with static," Liara panted, as they ran. "Wrex, can you tone down your biotics please?"

"I'm sorry," Wrex said, not sounding sorry. "When I'm angry I can't suppress them."

"If you could just think _happy_ thoughts—"

"Enough," Shepard said. "We have to focus on getting to Ash as quickly as possible."

Shepard was tired, and everything was going wrong. Ash was taking heavy fire, Kaidan had to be left behind, and the mission was taking too long. She couldn't wait until she had everybody safe aboard the Normandy so they could hit the afterburners and leave behind a pile of rubble.

More than anything she wanted to be alone with Kaidan, to talk to him and repair the damage she had done. The only problem was, she didn't know how. She remembered the hurt in his eyes and her stomach twisted. Ash had indicated he was an all or nothing guy, but Shepard didn't have an 'all' to give him. Over the years bits of her had been chipped and cracked away, leaving behind nothing more than a battered instrument of war. No relationship could be built on that.

And Kaidan seemed to think that dragging her dark, bloody secrets into the daylight would help her. He didn't know she was beyond help.

_I __have __gone __too __far __and __there__'__s __no __going __back_, she thought. She didn't know whether she meant Torfan or Kaidan. It didn't matter.

At least she had ensured that he was comparatively safe at the bomb site. Kaidan had the backup of the crew and, unlike herself, he wasn't being worn down by running around the compound. Armed as he was with the new Savant amp and the energy gel she'd given him, the man was a walking dreadnought.

Shepard spotted a krogan ahead and hunkered down behind a guardrail, signalling to Liara and Wrex to do the same. She snuck a look around the rail to check for more hostiles, but her vision was blurring from the splatters of orange krogan blood trickling into her eyes. She wiped her forehead and looked down at her blood-soaked glove. The orange stains were tinged with red, which meant some of the blood was hers. _Shit.  
_

Wrex was fidgeting in an agony of impatience. "Let me charge him," he growled, grinding his teeth.

"There's a geth dropship headed to the bomb site," Ash reported. Shepard felt angry. Those damn machines were proving to be a real pain in the ass.

"Can you hold them off?" she asked Kaidan, not really doubting that he could. She saw another krogan emerge from cover, and she let Wrex loose and cocked her shotgun to fire.

"There are too many," Kaidan said. "I don't think we can survive until you get here. I'm activating the bomb."

Shepard felt ice trickling through her blood. The sounds of battle faded as her reality shrank to a concentrated, silent bubble.

"What the hell are you doing Alenko?"

"Making sure this bomb goes off, no matter what. Get Williams and go."

Shepard barely heard the Chief's reply over the white noise roaring in her ears. She felt as though she had been sucked into a vacuum, with no oxygen and no gravity to support her. In that moment the truth hit her with perfect clarity.

She couldn't leave him behind. Not because he was a more valuable to the team than Ash was, but because she loved him.

"Alenko, tell Joker to meet us at the bomb site." Shepard tried to focus through the whirling fear and shock that was clouding her mind. "I'll be coming for you too, Ash."

_ Oh Ash!_

"I think we both know that's not going to happen, Commander."

Shepard knew it was the truth, and her anguish turned into anger. For a second she nearly gave in to her boiling rage. Oh, Saren would _pay_. A white-hot, murderous fury filled her, blotting out her pain.

Just when a crackling blue film began to distort her vision, she realised she couldn't afford to give in to rage. Kaidan's survival hinged on her ability to retain her self-control, to be as focused and fast as possible.

She fumbled in her belt and found vial of stim that she carried for emergencies, and hastily injected the lot. She felt a thin trickle of cold as it flowed into her bloodstream, and then a dizzying rush that made her gasp. The feeble sunlight suddenly became unbearably bright, forcing her to squint her eyes against the glare.

She turned back towards the breeding tanks and started running. Her body was singing; her muscles were awash with a heady mix of oxygen and glucose, and her biotics fiercely crackled along her nerves, charging the air.

"I'm not stable," she told Wrex and Liara. "Keep your distance."

She could have saved her breath, as they couldn't have kept up if they had tried. Shepard reached the bomb site in under two minutes, and only the thinnest thread of self-control kept her from rushing headlong into the fray. She put her back to the hulking, concrete doorframe of the breeding grounds, braced her shotgun against her shoulder and snuck a look at the bomb site.

The closest geth were a prime and a destroyer, advancing in a united front. Shepard took a deep breath, threw her last grenade at the machines, and backed it up with a biotic throw. As the destroyer got to its feet she pounded it with tungsten rounds, ignoring the increasing heat of the barrel beneath her fingers. By now the wounded prime was under a dual assault from Wrex and Liara; that was one less to worry about, at least.

As the destroyer hefted its shotgun, Shepard didn't stop to think but stepped in close and brought her blue-wreathed fist up to connect with its torso. It staggered and its arms fell to its sides. Shepard spun on the ball of her foot and planted a kick in its abdomen, smashing its power cells. The machine collapsed into the water and lay still.

From that moment on Shepard fought in a dream, carried along on a heady flood of adrenalin and serotonin, watching the geth fall before her in slow motion. It all began to feel effortless.

It wasn't until she began pounding Saren's shields that the blood started to trickle into her eyes again, obscuring her vision. It was only her finely-honed instincts that caused her to dive out of the way of Saren's grenade, and the force of the blast still knocked her flying. She struggled to get to her feet, rubbing her eyes.

In the next instant Saren had her by the neck, slamming her against the wall. Resisting the instinct to clutch at the iron talons gripping her throat, she pulled her arm back and slammed her fist into his armoured face. It felt like hitting a tank, but she forced herself to hit him again and again until she felt herself fall. Gasping for air, she looked up and saw the blurred outline of Saren making good his escape.

She staggered to the bomb where Kaidan lay.

* * *

So Shepard has finally realized some home truths. What do you think - should she tell Kaidan how she feels? I don't know if she has the quad to fess up... and I think we'd all agree that D&Ms aren't exactly her strong suit! Unless by D&M you mean 'Damage & Mangling', in which case she's all over it. :)

By the way, in response to feedback from Sibella, I have tweaked chapters 8-10 to make Kaidan more... well, Kaidany. It all adds up to more pure Kaidany goodness for all!


	29. Chapter 29 In the open

Kaidan sat up on the narrow bed in medbay and blearily looked at the time. He had been asleep for nine hours. He dimly remembered walking from the meeting to the med bay, where Dr Chakwas wanted to keep him for observation, but after that everything went black. He must have passed out as soon as his head hit the pillow.

The loss of Ash was a dull ache, but there was nothing he could do about it. What he could do was talk to Shepard. He should never have accused her of abandoning poor Ash.

He slid off the bed and walked the short distance to the captain's cabin, and found the door open. Shepard was sitting at her desk with her head in her hands.

"Excuse me, Commander," he said softly.

She looked up, and he waited for her to call him in. Her jaw was taut, her hands clenched, and she had dark circles under her eyes. She was clearly suffering the early effects of a massive stim come-down: she was exhausted but couldn't sleep; she needed food, but couldn't bear to eat; and even a light touch on her skin would feel to her like hot sandpaper. To top it off, she had an angry-looking rash along one side of her face and neck.

The comedown was only one reason why stim was restricted to N7 operatives, who used it only as a last resort. It was all too easy to get hooked on the high, and the body built up a resistance over time, making the drug less effective. The agonizing comedown was the icing on the cake.

Shepard had clearly never taken stim before. If she had, she might have known to force herself to eat and rest.

"Commander, I can see you haven't slept," he said. "You need to take a strong sedative to counteract the stim."

She frowned. "Sedation is not an option. I need all my wits for this council meeting. I can sleep when the negotiations are done."

She looked down at her shaking hands. "I guess you'll want to talk about Ash, but… oh God, Kaidan, I can't. If I focus on what happened to her it will _drown_ me. I have to focus on the mission."

"I understand. We'll grieve for her afterwards."

"I need to know you're OK, though," she said. "How are you dealing with… with what happened?"

_Shattered, _he thought. _Ash died because of me. Because of us... or the memory of us. _Out loud he said: "Dealing, Ma'am. And I'm sorry for what I said earlier. Adrenalin."

"Don't worry about it." Her eyes were sombre, wide with sorrow, and it took all his self control not to take her in his arms, to give the comfort she needed. The comfort that they both needed. But any touch would be unbearable for her.

She shakily indicated the chair next to her. "Take a seat. There are other things we need to talk about."

"Yes Ma'am." He sat down.

She exhaled slowly.

"Kaidan, Torfan was a disaster from the start. I should have aborted but I refused to do so. I had told myself that the slaver lord was the same one responsible for my parents' deaths. In reality I didn't know for sure, but I wanted to believe it."

Kaidan was astounded she was finally telling him. He forced himself to stay silent, worried that anything he might say would cause Shepard to change her mind.

"The underground base was huge," she continued. "We were outnumbered and lost a lot of marines in a very short time. My commanding officer, Major Kyle, couldn't handle the stress. He had worked with the crew for many years; he had told me they were like his family. I knew only two of the crew, both of whom survived the initial assault, so I didn't take the early losses as badly as Kyle did.

"After a while he started hyperventilating and babbling that we were all going to die. I was terrified he'd give the order to abort. We _had _to get to the base. I was prepared to forcibly relieve him of duty if I had to, but the resulting conflict and upheaval would put my authority to a severe test.

"Fortunately a stray concussive shot knocked him unconscious. I got the medic to take him back to the entrance tunnel with the other wounded. From that point on, I was in charge."

* * *

Shepard took a deep breath. Now for the hard part.

"Things only got worse after that," she told him. "We made progress, moving further in, but we were dying like flies. I should have aborted the mission. I had plenty of chances. But I didn't."

She looked away, trying to hide the shame that engulfed her.

"Kaidan, I don't think you can understand what it's like to be driven by revenge and... and blind fury. It's all-consuming, it controls everything you do." She couldn't find the words to express how it felt. She certainly couldn't explain to him that the fury felt _good_ – addictive, even. It was a kind of razor-sharp elation, a burning, bright music in her blood as she faced down her destruction. On Virmire she had resisted it. On Torfan she had welcomed it.

Her mouth was dry and she felt cold and sick. She hugged herself, wincing at the abrasive pressure on her skin, and felt her body shaking violently.

"Why can't I stop this shaking?" she said. "And I can't stop grinding my teeth. Hell, I can't go to the meeting like this."

Kaidan looked relieved. "If I give you a small dose of sedative you'll be able to sleep, and it should wear off by the time you get to the Citadel." He hesitated. "More or less."

She narrowed her eyes. "Which is it, 'more' or 'less'? Sedatives make me loopy. It might be a nice change to go to a Council meeting while off my head, I admit that. However, I won't represent humanity very well if I crawl up the stairs, leaving a trail of drool behind me, and announce to the Council that I'm Sybil the Magic Snail."

"You won't, I promise."

Shepard sighed and resignedly rolled up her sleeve.

* * *

When Kaidan returned he found her awake and nibbling feebly on an energy bar. She was pale but no longer shaking.

She looked up as he entered. "I guess I should tell you the rest," she said quietly.

He pulled out the chair next to her. "Only if you feel up to it."

"I'm starting to think I shouldn't tell you," she answered slowly. "The information is incriminating and could put you in a difficult position."

A silent moment passed between them, and his brows drew together. "Would you agree that a 'difficult position' could be defined as not knowing whose side to take?" he asked.

She blinked. "Yes..."

"Then you don't have to worry about putting me in one."

She gave him a small, sad smile. "Alright then."

"I knew only two other marines in the Torfan assault team," she told him. "Hallan and Byrnes were colony kids like me, and we always stuck together.

"I ordered the rest of the squad to create a distraction so we three could sneak into the main compound. The distraction worked... for the most part. By the time the three of us reached the compound, Byrnes and I were hypoglycaemic and Hallan was bleeding internally from a shot to the abdomen. I gave him blood thickeners and told myself he'd pull through, but deep down I knew he wouldn't survive the mission.

"My plan was for us to crawl along the ventilation shafts while I followed my scanner to the slaver lord. When I found him I would lift up a ceiling grate, attach a silencer to my pistol and quietly shoot him. Easy, right?

"It turned out to be a shitty idea. The ventilation shafts were rusted through and we fell into a room full of bodyguards."

Shepard shut her eyes and let the memories flood back in.

_The ventilation shaft was narrow and dank, lit only by her omni-tool scanner. She heard the floor of the shaft creak beneath her hands and knees, and then the rusted metal gave way._

_The room had a low ceiling so she was able to land on her feet, dropping into a crouch and rolling forward to absorb the impact._

_Out of the corner of her eye she saw Hallan roll behind cover; he knew how difficult it was to hit a fast, low target._

_Byrnes wasn't quick enough. A concussive shot hit him squarely and hurled him backwards. As Shepard scrambled behind a crate she heard his desperate cry on the radio._

_"Shepard, I'm hit!" he screamed. "He got me Shepard. Oh God, he's finished me."_

_Shepard looked to the corner of the room and saw Byrnes lying in a tangle of concrete reinforcing, his blood splattered against the wall._

_A hail of bullets whipped past Shepard's head, and she quickly pulled back behind the crate._

_"Sit tight," she yelled. "I'm coming."_

_"No, leave me. That bastard has ripped a hole through my chest. Just go, go now!"_

_More bullets thudded into the crate. It started to crack under the onslaught._

_"I'll come back," she promised him. "I'll come back for you."_

_There was no answer from Byrnes. She called to him again. No answer._

_Shepard felt as though all the oxygen had been sucked from the room. She gasped for air as the sounds of battle melted into white noise, and crackling blue fire flooded her vision_.

Shepard took a shuddering breath. "Byrnes was the first friend who had been killed under my command, and I completely lost it. My biotics took over. The energy exploded out of me. It was like... well, you know. You've seen it.

"Hallan didn't stand a chance. I woke up on the floor, surrounded by dead slavers, and saw him slumped against the wall. He'd received a fatal head wound, blunt force trauma. I was the one who had given it to him.

"I was a bloody, feeble mess. I could hardly walk, could barely think. I knew if there were any pirates left I'd be in no shape to fight them, so when I stumbled across some mining explosives I didn't waste any time. I set the charges, stumbled out and blew the base to rubble. I don't know how many pirates were left in there, or whether they would have surrendered. I didn't think about it at the time.

"I dragged my sorry ass out of there and climbed aboard a shuttle with Kyle and other soldiers who had been wounded in the initial assault. I thought the distraction team would be waiting for me, but they weren't there. They had been annihilated."

His dark eyes widened in shock, and her chest tightened. God, that look. He must think she was a monster. It took all her willpower to keep talking.

"Afterwards Kyle went to a mental hospital, and I was a hero. I had won a great victory for the Alliance, and the brass loved me for it. They didn't know I'd ignored opportunities to abort. They didn't know I had lost control of my biotics and killed one of my own soldiers. They _did_ know I had blown up the slaver compound and everyone in it – which in my book makes me a war criminal – but they didn't care. Truth be known, I think they were pleased. It makes me sick just thinking about it.

"I knew if I told the brass the truth about Hallan and the others, it would immediately be hushed up. Instead of being court-martialed, I would be discreetly discharged and put on a very generous pension. Any controversy would tarnish the great victory I had won for the Alliance. You know what they're like. You know I'm right.

"I shut myself away, refusing to talk to anybody, and tried to figure out what to do. The Alliance kept sending a PTSD psych expert to my apartment; I think they were worried I'd throw myself from a window or something. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't considered it.

"In the end I did the only thing that made any sense – I removed my amp and signed up for soldier training. I resolved to keep fighting until I died on the field, like my friends had. They never got the chance to settle down or retire, so why should I?

"Soldier training was more brutal than you can imagine, but I succeeded in the end… except for one thing. I couldn't cope without my amp. Downgrading was the most I could bear.

"So." She turned to him. "Now you know. You have a kind heart, so I suppose you'll want to tell me it's all OK and that I shouldn't beat myself up over it – but don't. I know perfectly well it's not OK."

"I won't lie to you," he said carefully. "You did act for the wrong reasons when you refused to abort. You let yourself be blinded by your vendetta. However, you have to remember that by wiping out such a massive slaver ring, you saved many more lives than you lost. Your squad didn't die for nothing."

"But if I had been less impatient... if I had dug in and taken it slow..."

"That might have given the pirates time to bring in reinforcements. Who knows?" He leaned forward with his elbows on his knees, and looked at her earnestly. "Shepard, the past is like a vid. You can watch it as many times as you like, but you can't alter it. You can agonise over all the different ways the vid could have ended, but that won't change the ending.

"The only thing you can do with the past is learn from it, and use that knowledge to become a better person. I believe you've done that. Now you have to let go of the past and move on with your life."

_I can't,_ she wanted to cry out. _I can't let go. I don't know why_.

Then, in a flash, it hit her: all this time she had been searching for forgiveness. Ever since Torfan she had always applied for the most dangerous missions, spent her shore leave in weapons training, worked herself to exhaustion, waiting for some kind of sign that she was forgiven. A sign from the universe, from God, her dead friends... someone.

But the universe couldn't offer absolution. Dead friends couldn't provide forgiveness. The only thing she could do, she realised, was to forgive herself.

"I'll try," she told Kaidan. "I promise I'll try."

* * *

Only one more chapter to go...


	30. Chapter 30 Found

Shepard hunched over her desk and scrolled through her mail without really seeing it. She had no idea how to stop Sovereign, and if she didn't figure something out they were royally screwed. She wished she could talk to Kaidan, but that would be dangerous. Any alone time with him could result in her breaking down and confessing that she loved him. It wouldn't be fair to Kaidan to dump all her emotions on him the night before a crucial battle.

On the other hand, seeing as they might die soon, why not lay her feelings on the line? There was a chance he might love her back. It might not be likely, in light of her war criminal past, but it was still possible. Right?

_Snap out of it,_ she told herself_. If you really loved him you'd let him go. Give him a chance to meet someone clean and whole, who hasn't killed innocent people. Let him find someone who can give him a normal life_.

Just the thought of it made her feel like a rusty knife was being dragged through her chest.

She gritted her teeth. If these were going to be her final hours, she sure as hell wasn't going to spend them wallowing in self-pity in her office. Better to do the rounds of the ship. She marched over to the door and nearly ran into Kaidan. _Shit._Fortunately, all the years of suppressing her feelings didn't desert her.

"Come in," she said brightly. "I'm feeling much better. Stim-free." She walked back to her desk and casually leant on the edge, trying to look as though she hadn't a care in the world.

"Glad to hear it, Ma'am. I was worried about you." Her traitorous heart was instantly glad to hear of his concern, but she nipped the feeling in the bud. _Don't let emotions get into this. Keep it light._

"My rash is fading," she babbled. "It's a pity, it was useful for scaring people. I looked like a walking bioweapon."

He ran a critical medic's eye over the fading redness, and gently ran a fingertip along her cheek. Shepard told herself he was just checking for rough patches, or some other rash-related thing, but she couldn't suppress a shiver at his warm touch. She dragged in an unsteady breath.

"This rash can't have been a stim side effect because it's only on one cheek," he said, clearly unaware of her reaction to him. "I can't figure it out."

"I got splashed with krogan blood and vomit on that side of my face," she explained. "Apparently it's a bad chemical mix."

He looked stunned. "How did you get krogan _vomit_on you?"

She waved a hand dismissively. "I kicked one of those tank-grown things in the guts and he lost his lunch, and some of it landed on my cheek. The toxic combo of krogan blood and puke gave me a case of hives. I have decided," she added, "to call it 'krives'."

"Krives?" The corner of his mouth twitched. "Interesting name."

"It was about time someone thought of a name for it. Up until now, krive-afflicted persons were forced to suffer in silence. Now they can hold their heads up high. Oh, don't laugh. I am proud to be a poster child for krives, and I always—"

"There's a cream that'll get rid of it."

"What? Where?"

He retrieved it from the medicine cabinet, and she had the cap off in a nanosecond. Kaidan folded his arms and smiled. "What happened to being proud of your krives?"

"Huh? Oh to hell with that. That rash was damn itchy."

*******************  
Shepard was surprisingly upbeat considering they had just stolen the Normandy and were about to take on a reaper with no backup. Kaidan wondered if the Commander had stopped to think about how much trouble they were in.

"Have you thought about what happens if this doesn't work out, Shepard? We mutinied. That's very serious."

Shepard shrugged and put the tube back in the cabinet. "Perhaps the judiciary will go easy on us," she said hopefully. "You know, because of our sterling military records."

"We did steal the Normandy," he reminded her.

She looked offended. "We _borrowed _it. We'll give it back."

"Technically we also kidnapped all the crew," he pointed out.

"Bah, they won't press charges."

"And last week you landed on a prohibited sanctuary planet and drove the mako over a large endangered beetle."

"There's no proof I did that, nor that I enjoyed it immensely. Anyway, I just wanted to see what kind of a crunch it made. It was an awesome crunch, you have to admit that. Equivalent to 10 megatons of corn chips."

He chuckled. "I won't tell the judiciary."

She grinned. "Your silence is appreciated." She turned to her desk and picked up what looked like a silicon chip. "There's something I want to show you," she said, and tossed it to him.

He caught it. It was a bio amp, an older model.

"It's my old Kassa amp," she explained. "I downgraded again. No more exploding."

"That's wonderful," he said, and meant it. "Do you feel OK?"

"Downgrading isn't a joyride but it's not so terrible. The hardest thing was persuading the vendor to sell it to me. He was the same guy who sold me your Savant X, and he just about cried at the idea of selling me a feeble Solaris IV. He couldn't have been more horrified if I'd asked him to sell me a dead rat." She took the old amp back from Kaidan and tossed it into the trash. "Anyway, now you can stop worrying about me exploding, and focus all your attention on hurling dark energy at anything that moves. Max out that Savant like I know you can."

He didn't reply immediately and Shepard gave him a quizzical look. "Is there a problem?"

"No. This is just the first time you've ever mentioned my biotics."

Her eyes widened in surprise. "I didn't think you needed affirmation. Don't get me wrong, you're the best non-blue biotic I've ever seen—"

"It's OK, I've never wanted affirmation. It's just... I never told you this, but you're the first human I've met who hasn't seen me as a biotic first and a person second. People are either put off by the biotic thing or in awe of it. Even other biotics are preoccupied with the fact that I'm an L2. Some are worried I'm unstable, or else they are fixated on how high I spike or how hard I can throw."

"They're idiots, don't let it get to you.

" "I don't. I don't blame them or resent them for seeing me that way. I'm a freak of nature and I know it. But you treat me differently from the rest, as though I'm a regular guy."

Shepard blushed and looked at her feet. "It's no big deal, so do Garrus and Tali and–"

"They're aliens, it's different. Shepard, you're the first person to make me feel… human."

Shepard did her damndest not to melt into a puddle. "Happy to help," she said, brightly. "Maybe you should do another stint with the Normandy when the mission is over. The crew and I wilI keep you feeling human." She was talking faster, using the sound of her own voice to distract her.

He put his head on one side and stared at her silently for a long moment. "Does that you won't be taking a long-term Spectre assignment in the Terminus?"

She kept her gaze firmly on the floor. "Correct. I've decided to stick with Alliance missions."

"Why the change of heart?"

Why indeed? Deep down she knew the real reason: if his life was ever in grave danger she wanted to be able to come to his aid, and for that she needed Alliance communications access. There was no way she was going to work undercover in a remote pirate bolt-hole if that meant not knowing where he was – but she could hardly tell him so.

She shrugged. "I'm not needed to hunt pirates in the Terminus. All the Council has to do is put out rewards for information leading to pirate arrests, and the whole pirate problem will be solved."

Kaidan raised an eyebrow at this vast oversimplification of the war on organised crime, but he didn't argue the point.

"So why did you come to visit me?" she asked. "I hope you don't want to talk tactics because I haven't come up with anything. Well, aside from plugging Sovereign's exhaust outlet with the galaxy's largest potato."

"Actually, Ma'am, I was hoping we could talk about us."

"_Us?"_she squeaked. She cleared her throat. "There's an 'us'?"

"You tell me." She started to back away but he held her gaze.

She opened her mouth to lie, but the words wouldn't come. The idea of taking the choice away from him, which had earlier seemed so noble, now seemed deceitful. He had a right to decide for himself.

"I... want there to be an us," she admitted. "When you told me you were arming that bomb, I realised I lov—" She caught herself but it was too late; one look at his amazed expression revealed he knew what she had started to say. "I realised I couldn't leave you behind," she went on, hastily. "But being with me is not what's best for you."

"Why?"

"I'm not the person you thought I was. You know what I did on Torfan..."

"Shepard, listen to me. It's not what you've done that matters, it's who you a_re_that counts."

He reached out and cupped her face in his hands. "I said I loved you on Feros, and I still do."

He kissed her. Gentle and tender, a silent request for her to trust him. His hands stroked over her skin, calm and sure, and peace soaked into her.

Filled with a dazed joy – so_ that_was what he had whispered to her on Feros – she took his hand and walked backwards to the bed, pulling him after her. When the backs of her knees hit the edge of the bed, she stopped. She had to give him one last way out.

"Are you sure you want a future with me?" she asked, searching his eyes for any hint of hesitation. "I don't know what I've ever done for you besides cause you aggravation." "If I told you everything you've done for me we'd miss the Ilos drop."

He smiled and tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. "And I could well ask you the same thing: apart from being aggravating, what have_ I _ever done for you?" He was smiling, teasing, but she took his question seriously.

"It's hard to explain," she said, looking at him speculatively. "When I look at you I see everything I've lost. And that's a lot. I had lost almost everything... until I met you." She frowned. "I'm not making much sense, am I?"

His forehead creased in concern. "I think I know what you mean."

"Let me put it this way: do you remember that lake of guilt and despair I've been drowning in? My plans to throw my life away in a blaze of glory?"

He nodded, and his grip on her tightened. She smoothed his worry lines with her fingertips, and smiled.

"Well," she said, "you saved me."

* * *

_The end! Did you like the story? Dislike it? Not sure? Whatever your feelings, I'd love it if you could submit a review to let me know what you think. :) _

**_Kaidan and Shepard's story continues in my second fic 'So Close', set in ME2._**


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